Vanderpump Rules: Tom’s Apology Video Made Me Deny Citizenship

*Picture Chosen on Purpose

The “I’m Embarrassed For You” Fight:  This was one high-hat and 808 from turning into a breakdance fight.  I’m surprised there weren’t toy knives and leather jackets with spikes on the shoulder pads.  Luckily, Tom was still sporting his Maya Angelou turban and Maude shawl so at least there was that.  I found myself yelling at my television, “Don’t hurt that delicate old lady!”  I actually couldn’t tell if this was a real fight or more of a shoving match between broads in heat (Tom/James).  It would have helped if Bravo edited in some Batman “POW” and “BAM” callouts.

Tom Owns a “Caboodle” Doesn’t He:  I’ve never wanted to deny citizenship quite as much as having to watch Tom put on a face full of makeup like he was ready to work the corner of Hollywood and Vine.  Ariana was trying to pretend that the dude she’s boning isn’t putting on rouge, making big eyes and tight lips in the mirror as he tries to cover his battle wounds.  I mean, I’ve seen more believable scars on the zombies on The Walking Dead.

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The Apology Video Heard ‘Round The Hills:  Fine.  Watching Tom’s “apology video” that he sent to Scheana  was enough for me to finally agree with the terrorists.  It’s like, “You’re right.  We are a terrible country with horrible people in it.  Welp, have at it!”  I don’t even care if Tom created that video as a way to plug the show.  He’ll never land a job at Kinko’s with a past like that.  Oh, and because I’m even more of a loser than I let on here on this blog, I watched the full 1 minute and 48 second video of Tom’s apology and, well, it gets worse.  Apparently he pushed Scheana’s brother and punched her dad.  I found it more shocking, however, that a girl like Scheana has three men in her life.  She’s only missing the baby and/or little lady depending on which version of the movie you’re watching.  Watch Tom’s apology video below:

Don’t Tattoos Hurt:  It only makes sense that as Jax is dating a new chick he gets her name (Carmen) tattooed on his bicep.  Since he’s currently getting his Stassi tattoo turned into a black rose I think it’s fine that he’s left with one girls name.  And if/when that relationship fails he can always turn the name Carmen into an ad for the popular candy bar of the 80’s; Caramello.  I mean who doesn’t love nougat?

Is “Pump” a Bowling Alley:  For reasons that are not known to me, Lisa is having the staff of her new bar, Pump, dress like lesbian comedienne’s circa 1987 with pink button down silk shirts and skinny black ties.  You totally know our resident lez, Tom, is punching up his resume as we speak.

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The Time The Same Thing Happened Last Year:  Since the fight took place and Schwartz is trying to figure out his role on the show, he’s scared that Lisa won’t hire him to work at Pump just like she cut him from working at Sur this same time last year when he got into another fight at Scheana’s birthday.  I mean, it’s like the SNL sketch that they do over and over and over again with slightly different jokes.  Even Jax is still meeting his mistresses in Vegas.  We’ve been there/done that.  It really makes me miss Laura-Leigh and her shaky-sober-spaz behavior and references to her behind-bars-daddy.  #SimplerTimes

Katie’s Still Here:  Katie is clearly desperate for air time (as I would be) so we get to witness her slow jog out of Sur to follow Lisa and speed walk up the street with her and continue to beg for Lisa to give Schwartz a second chance at Pump.  She’s winded.  I was like, “Why is Lisa walking 15 blocks when she owns 17 cars?”  Either way, what was Katie talking about Schwartz having a ton of success with modeling jobs?  Modeling what?  Does she mean like the “modeling” video Tom sent to Scheana?  Like, that kind of modeling?

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Pizza > Televised Breakups:  With all the girls Jax has dated you’d think he’d have the breakup down to a science.  Like, Mr. Wizard-like science.  By that I mean I expect explosions and a creepy old man to oddly touch a young child’s shoulder.  Just me?  Either way, Jax made the decision that he wants to only focus on his Vegas girl and throw up the deuces (do “the kids” still say that?) to Carmen, you know, the girl whose name he recently branded into his arm.  Instead of taking her somewhere nice and not embarrassing her on national television, he decides to bring her to some slimy pizza place and break her heart over greasy food that will clog her heart.  Overall, Carmen’s heart ain’t (ai-not) gonna be in good shape after this scene.  Jax made it seem like he was doing her a favor by breaking up with her because “she deserves better” and “she’s going to law school.”  I mean, not any more I’m assuming.  I actually felt bad for her.  I would have been like, “Just text me your thoughts next time and deliver the pizza to my house.”  When all was said and done she got up an left and Jax brought his leftover pizza outside and ate it on the sidewalk as he looked into traffic.  Can’t blame the guy for not finishing his pizza.  There are starving kids in certain parts of the world that would kill for pizza.  Like, the Valley.

In The End:  Lisa makes sure to have a staff meeting in her new bar so she can give it some extra press.  She calls Kristen (dry-heave) and the rest of the Garbage Pale Kids “trash” and then suspends Tom and Kristen and faux-fires James.  I wonder why Tom didn’t “hold him” when that happened?


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