Everyone make sure your have a direct line to your local clinic because it’s time for Scheanna’s bachelorette party in Miami! Super original. The only cliche missing from this trip was a stopover at Planet Hollywood for a sampling of Demi Moore’s Cap’n Crunch Chicken Salad and to purchase a shot glass from the gift shop. I mean, that’s my dream but perhaps it’s yours as well? Either way, there’s a lot of Hills drama this week with who’s going on the trip, who’s not, who’s rooming with whom (?) and also important questions like why are we being forced to watch scenes of Pandy-Pants trying to manage Pump whilst everyone else is away? Poor Pandy. Like my sister regularly texts me when Pandy is in an episode, “Every time I see her I want her to be pretty. I really do.” Usually there’s a sad face emoji at the end of that text.
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No one is more excited than Scheanna to head off to Miami. Two quick questions. (1) Isn’t she 30 and (2) Were those cork-board picture collages hung up in her bedroom like its her freshman year dorm room? Thought so. Moving on. If you’re keeping track at home Jax’s girlfriend, George Glass, will not be attending the trip because of a variety of different reasons that everyone discusses, but never matches up with Jax’s story. I believe he said he told her not to come because he didn’t want her to have to ask for the day off from work. So, yeah, there’s that. Stassi also won’t be attending because she’s still trying to figure out what her role on this show is and she’s most likely just holding until Andy gives her a spin-off or she breaks up with her boyfriend and then appears in an episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker. By the way, did anyone see the episode with Jill Zarin? I miss her.
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Once everyone gets to Miami it goes pretty much as we all thought. People are playing musical chairs with which room they’re staying in, Lisa surprises Sheanna with the penthouse suite, her mom surprises her by decorating her hotel suite like it’s an 11 year old girls birthday party, and the guys all act like they’re boyfriends and, truth be told, I’m pretty sure two of them are. Also, what’s up with being able to show ass on television these days? So you can just do that now? I guess the public blinding that took place in 1993 thanks to Dennis Franz has been lifted? Moreover, I don’t even want to get undressed in front of my bathroom mirror, let alone a camera crew. And they’re making it seem like everyone has to share rooms in order to save money. Please, you’re on a television show (3rd season), if you can’t afford your own room it’s time to start reconsidering that porn career. I mean, that can apply to any of your life dilemmas, to be honest.
Overall while I truly believe this show is now heavily scripted with made up storylines about everyone cheating on each other (these people, like me, are desperate for fame) the one thing I actually do believe is accurate is how drunk everyone is getting. It’s refreshing actually. It’s usually the only time I can tolerate Kristen and her dry-heave demeanor. Plus, you can totally tell that exact moment when Jax is in that zone where he’s looking at women like he’s about to either bang them or slaughter them and toss them into a rusted out dumpster behind Sur (most likely where Taylor from RHOBH lives!). Speaking of which, Vail. What’s her deal? Now I’m all about embracing yourself and the way you look as-is, but if she doesn’t remove that mole from her lip/face I’m going to have a hard time paying attention (puh-lease) to what in the holy hell is going on. These chicks will buy boobs like they’re picking up milk at the supermarket, but God-forbid they scrape off the face herp. And how drunk did Vail get? For real, I cringe. Not because she’s being that bad but because I start to sweat imagining what I would be like if I was ever drunk on camera. Honestly, I’d never watch it…or drink again…or live in America. I’d be like is ISIS hiring? I jest. Is that a thing? I’m not great with the map and/or social studies.
Anytrash, they all give Scheanna a list of bachelorette party activities she has to do and it’s as lame as you thought. Basically walk to the back of your local mall’s Spencer’s Gifts towards the poster section and just do whatever it says on the poster with all the shots and boobs all over it. She has to take pictures with guys showing their abs, motorboat a d**k, get some random man’s underwear, and have a spontaneous abortion. I don’t know. Did I mention her mom was there the whole time witnessing all this? I mean, my mom doesn’t even read this blog…let alone ever dream of taking part in my friends shenanigans! Scheanna does get some totally drunk guy to give her his underwear and then she signs his ass. I guess she’s ready to get married now? Like, that’s what they make you do at City Hall when you get your marriage license right?
In the end, the girls have their own dinner and the guys have their own dinner. Fun. Fun? The guys leave that little British weasel guy behind at the hotel and he has to find his own way to the restaurant. I would quit the show/life. Whilst there apparently the guys are going to “dish” like they’re a bunch of chicks on their period about Jax cheating on his girlfriend and then Tom “apparently” doing something with some chick whilst in Miami the last time. The little British dude is texting Kristen all of this information while she’s at dinner with the girls. Surprisingly Kristen read these texts, but doesn’t say anything to the table. She does go to the bathroom and Vail ends up taking her phone and reading the texts to everyone. I call BS. No way in hell anyone in America doesn’t have a code on their phone. I live alone and I still lock my phone. I don’t need the ghosts reading my texts! This is all so fake. I can’t take it. I jest. I’ll be back next week.