Vanderpump Rules Recap: Second Verse Same as the First

It’s another week of The Hills Reunion and I couldn’t be happier. Eh, I could be happier if Elodie Otto stopped on by to knock some sense into these chumps like she did with Heidi circa 2008, but I digress. This week all the guys will be playing the role of the girls and all the girls will look like they’ve ruffied themselves and are trying to “come to” by chugging White Zin. You know the look.

Tom Schwartz is getting his bangs curled (literally) by Katie because he has a big audition in a few days so he needs plenty of time to try out various hairstyles. I sure do hope he settles for The Rachael. Text your vote to 227 to see what he chooses. Also, by “audition” does he mean “uploading a photo to Instagram?” Because there’s a difference.

Meanwhile, Jax is back on the therapy couch to see if (1) he can get the National Associate of Psychologists (NAP) to revoke this therapists license and (2) find out why he’s a sex addict. I think the obvious answer is that he may or may not have been diddled by a certain Jackson as a youth and, hence, the nickname Jax. See how that works? Either way, he uses up his hour session to talk about how he cried watching The Green Mile the night before. The Green Mile? Uh, did he rent that at West Coast Video and forget to return it? And why was he crying and, more importantly, admitting it to this Goldilocks lookin’ mother f’er? You wanna know what movie I cried at? Erin Brockovich….because I thought it was Pretty Woman Part II without the sex. Plus, I was like “is that old bag lawyer Richard Gere?” So many questions, so little time. Although I do add in a little “we brought that water in from Hinkley” joke on the regular.

Since Kristen is trying to clean up her image of “crazy garbage truck” she decides to invite Stassi over to some dump to have a drink and half-apologize to her all whilst looking like she was going to do the standard Kristen-mid-dry-heave look that she’s so cleverly mastered. I have two quick questions (1) At what point does Kristen just throw in the towel and give up waitressing/Hollywood and (2) what technically is Stassi’s gig on this show these days? She doesn’t work for Sur and doesn’t even write for Pandy-Pants’ blog anymore. Perhaps she’d like to contribute here? Stassi we have an opening. What are your thoughts on beaver jokes?

Now don’t get me wrong, I like some nice mindless reality television as much as the next punk, but this whole storyline with Katie and Tom is driving me crazy. It’s legit the same storyline as Kristen and Tom from last year and even Jax and Scheanna are in the mix. Do you think before they started filming this season they all met up and were like, “So who wants to take the cheating storyline this year? Katie? Your turn.” The only thing is that Katie and Tom are the least interesting people on planet earth. Although I do hear they kill it on Mars. And something tells me Tom kills it on Uranus. Hey oh! Gotta love a classic 4th grade Uranus joke. Ahhh. Thank God for science.

Kristen has been spinning her wheels to tell everyone and their mother about these rumors that apparently Schwartz (I’m just going back and forth between his first and last name at this point…keep up) cheated on Katie’s scar once in Vegas where he banged Jax’s girlfriends friend and another time 1 year ago when he made out with Scheanna’s friend at a party. As Katie and Tom sit out in the nasty ebola filled alley behind Sur and talk this out at a dirty table that always has a ton of half drunk glasses of whatever….Tom admits to kissing someone a year ago, but not to banging some girl in Vegas. So for those of you playing along at home, this is exactly where we were with Tom and Kristen last season and then Jax and Stassi from the season before. Next season Guilermo is going to deny kissing Giggy’s walker in Reno.

Poor Katie. Literally. Someone get her some tissues (and a brush) and dry her eyes. Tom admits to kissing someone when he was soooo drunk last year because they were in a giant fight. That makes sense. He prob just wanted to know what it was like to rub chins with someone who hadn’t been slashed. Too soon?

Later, Lisa is having a party at Pump for 50 gay mayors across the United States. She’s like a political attractavist. Next year she should should for 50 gay midgets and then, of course, 50 lesbian Bratz dolls. The guys have to work the event and pretend they don’t want to. Meanwhile Lisa is busy in her back room counting all that bloody money! See what I did there? Why is her office made of plywood? It’s like she’s working a construction site in Landford, Illinois.

In the end, Tom isn’t mad at Jax for making up rumors of him banging some chick in Vegas because, well, it’s helping him get a decent amount of airtime. Katie on the other hand is still crying into her White Zin and box of Dominos over the fact that she’s not sure that Tom really wants to marry her in three years. Uh, ya think? Suddenly in the remaining seconds Tom shows up, unannounced, with flowers for Katie. What will happen? We don’t know because we just officially got the “Who’s the Boss” to be continued…

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