Vanderpump Rules is back! I don’t care how much of it is fake and how much of it is real because, to me it’s pretty much like a continuation of The Hills, but with the innocence of Laguna Beach. Also, I don’t know what that means. Either way, if it’s one thing I love about VPR (as no one calls it) it’s that they really don’t give much away during the season preview clips. Every time I’m like, “Oh this season looks lame” and then BAM someones ding-dong is exposed in someone else’s coochie-oochie-susan-lucci. And this season is likely to be no different.
1. The Slow Motion Scarf Throw Heard ‘Round the World: By the way, what the hell is up with the opening credits? Did they just photoshop in Lisa throwing a scarf instead of her purse at the end? The producers were like, “This is season three so let’s class it up with fabric.” Also, I’m sure in all the takes they had to do when she threw her purse Brandi was probably hiding under the table to scoop up all the loose change that fell out. And that, my friends, is what I like to call a traditional Vanderpump Pinata. Ole!
2. Company Meeting: And how many people are working at Sur these days? The “group” photo at the end of the opening credits consists of about 56 people. I’m always looking to see if that little crackerjack Laura-Leigh is hiding somewhere in the mix. It’s like playing Where’s Waldo for adults. And why does that one business owner lady need to be in the shot at all? Doesn’t she just make the schedule and tell on people when they do sex in the public restroom? Of course you know I’m just jealous because I want to be one of those faces in the mix but, you know, sporting a white feathered wig so I can pretend I’m Ken’s British long-lost twin brother, Ben.
3. Who is This New & Improved Kristen? Wow so Kristen really cleaned up her image this season! I’m jest. She’s just as bat sh*t crazy as last year, if not worse. Also, why does she always look she’s mid dry-heave? I find myself not really being able to eat whilst watching because it always looks like one of the zombies who just turned from The Walking Dead is trying to communicate with me via the magic of my video talk box.
4. If Stassi’s Back, Is Pandy-Pants Dead? It’s nice to see that Stassi’s back again this season. I was worried for a minute because it seemed as if she quit the show and moved to NYC to be with her new boyfriend. But then I was like, “Oh wait, no, she’s been on two other reality shows prior to this so she’s got this down to a science.” Moreover, she cut her hair in a way that really makes her chin pop on camera. Truth be told, I kinda like her. Sure she’s hell on earth, but so am I. Plus, she writes a blog…and I write a blog…we practically run in the same circles, you know, if those circles were troll conventions which, spoiler alert, they are.
5. Everyone, Stop Calling it “Social Media” Thanks: Back to Kristen being nuts. I know everyone is up in arms about Kristen being all 6’s and 7’s on the regular, but let’s be honest…we’ve all be a little “Kristen” back in the day. We hate her because when we see her it reminds us of that time we hated ourselves for stalking our ex’s online and coming up with 17 dozen scenarios of us getting the last laugh. The tricky part is that Kristen brings it all to a whole new level of crazy where she actually reaches out to strangers on Instagram to ask them if they slept with her ex-boyfriend, Tom. Sure, seems normal. Someone posts a picture of a sunset on Instagram and Kristen “likes” it and comments, “Beautiful view. DM me because I want to know if you banged Tom.”
6. When’s the Rumor Where Tom’s Banging a Dude? The rumor this time around is that Tom allegedly banged some rando chick he met when he and “the guys” went to Miami. Evidently Kristen got in touch with the alleged girl and “said girl” provided Kristen with a variety of details, including but not limited to: (1) Them banging and (2) Tom making her prove she had her period by ‘showing him.” I mean sounds like a typical night out for most of us. Plus, this girl is totally bricks, right? Who divulges this info via “the Internet.” She’s the kind of girl who wires money to the King of Tajikistan because he’s on his death bed and needs to transfer some funds so that he can make her his queen. Yeah?
7. The One Where Kristen Dates Her Son: Kristen’s new boyfriend is some British DJ dude who was BFFs with Tom until Kristen banged him in Tom’s bed whilst Tom was out dying his hair jet black and shaving his forehead because, you know, gotta scrape off the crazy! I think his name is James. He seems cool. I mean. He does take selfie’s on a used BMW so clearly he’s living the American dream. Also trying to keep up with who’s banging who and when really makes my genitals itch. I can only image what all their parts must be like. It’s gotta be like one permanent neutron dance down in Kristen’s underoos.
8. Oh, Hey Katie: It’s nice to see that Katie got rid of her orange fright wig and went back to her natural hair color. I think it’s called, “Chin Slashed Brunette.” I’m not 100% sure though as I don’t know all the colors out there.
9. Jax is a Modern Day Three’s Company: This time around Jax is dating two girls at the same time. One lives in LA and the other lives in Vegas and they both know about each other. I’m not sure how much Jax actually tells each girl about the other or if the crabs are just so advanced that they can carry on a full human conversation over cafe ole. I loved how when Jax was confronting Kristen about not getting involved and how everyone has cheated, his new girlfriend was like, “Cheated? Everyone? When? Like, recently?” I mean the writing is on the wall for that chick. P.S., you’re not just late…it’s an issue.
10. And Then There’s Maude: For reasons that don’t make sense to me, Tom arrives to Sheena’s birthday dressed as Bea Arthur from her days on Maude. For real I was like, “Why does he look like a lesbian fortune teller?” Miss Cleo must be rolling over in her grave….unless she already had a hunch he’d look like that?
11. Tom & The Truth Will Come Out: Tom and Ariana are both totally cool with cheating rumors because, let’s face it, when your self esteem is in the toilet and you’re getting some good air-time you’re willing to bite the bullet and play dumb until “the truth comes out.” By the way, that’s the official “phrase that pays” this season. Every time someone says “the truth comes out” I believe Spencer Pratt grows another white face pube.
12. The High Impact Chin Push: In the end, when Tom goes to confront Kristen (whilst wearing his Lane Bryant wrap-around sweater in ‘moring snowfall white’) about getting involved in his business, Kristen decides she doesn’t want to talk and her boyfriend James gets all ballsy and up in Tom’s face. Tom gives him that creepy non-blinking look that really says, “I may be on a watch list” and then pushes James’ head back and a fight breaks out with alcohol spraying to and fro and Kristen looking like, per usual, she’s mid dry-heave. No offense, but why does Tom only hit guys when they least expect it? He’s pretty much one more sweater away from pulling their hair and kicking them in the shin on the playground.