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The Funniest Hills Recaps Ever

We will never forget our love for all things "The Hills." Read through our favorite Hills recaps of all time!

The Hills Series Finale Recap: So That Ending Was Specifically For Me, Right?

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: July 14, 2010

Join Me on Facebook! I have no words.  Ok, I have a few.  I’m feeling many mixed emotions now that The Hills is over and I’m having a hard time articulating exactly how this makes me feel.  I researched the brilliance of William Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, Socrates, and Aristotle to help me find the […]

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The Hills Recap: The One Where the Producers, Writers, and Directors All Give Up

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: July 8, 2010

Join Me on Facebook! Remember on The Hills when LC and Heidi’s friendship was on the fritz and Heidi was going to move out and no one knew if they would be friends again and it was really interesting to watch the drama unfold?  Yeah, well that’s just a distant drunken memory because now we’re […]

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The Hills Recap: Costa Rica, Where the Sun Never Shines.

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: June 30, 2010

Join Me on Facebook! Here’s what went down, last night, on The 100th episode of The Hills (sorry): Ay yi yi yi yi!  Grab your maracas if you’ve got ’em because all the kids from The Hills have taken time off from their strenuous jobs and have headed to Costa Rica, which I believe is […]

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The Hills Recap: Happy 25th Birthday, Teefs!

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: June 23, 2010

Sellout Opportunity: Vote for Me Here for MTV TJ (just fill out @ibbb).  Back to your regularly scheduled programming… The Hills has been on for about 15 years and Audrina is just turning 25?  Was she a fetus when they cast her?  A fetus with beaver teeth, of course.  This time around the whole gang […]

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The Hills Recap: The One Where Lo and Steph Go Food Shopping (Yup)

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: June 16, 2010

Join Me on Facebook! Welcome back to your weekly Hills recap!  Here’s what went down last night on another crapisode of The Hills: We kick things off with Stephanie, Lo, and Audrina sitting around talking about the war, taxes, health care reform, and the rising homeless situation in America.  I’m kidding.  They’re talking about Steph’s […]

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The Hills Recap: Why is Allie Lutz in Our Lives?

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: June 9, 2010

Like These “Hills” Recaps? Check Out Some More Recent Reality Show Recraps! [ubergrid id=15366] Join Me on Facebook! Heidi and Spencer are still missing.  I’m busy hanging up “missing” signs on all the telephone poles, but here’s what went down on the latest crapisode of The Hills: Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are getting […]

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The Hills Recap: The Return of Justin Bobby!

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: June 2, 2010

Join Me on Facebook! Like a slow motion car accident you start to brace yourself in preparation for the big hit and it seems like it takes forever before you actually smash into the car in front of you….here is what what down on last nights crapisode of The Hills: “Friends with benefits” is the […]

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The Hills Recap: Meet McKaela (aka LC 2.0)

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: May 26, 2010

Join Me on Facebook.  You’ll Hate It! That’s right folks.  It’s time for another episode of The Hills.  Will Audrina not smile whist talking?  Will Lo get interesting?  Will Heidi and Spencer melt and conjoin in the hot LA heat?  Will Kristin makeout with Stacie?  All of these things are not answered on last nights […]

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The Hills Recap: The Matrix is Safe. Whatever it is, Heidi is Apparently Not in It. So, Rest Easy America!

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: May 19, 2010

Join Me on Facebook! Well it’s time for another crapisode of The Hills.  Like a homeless holding a cardboard box sign with a lot of writing on it, I just can’t not stop and look at it.  Here’s what went down last night on The Hills: We kick things off with HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag […]

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The Hills Recap: Happy Pointless Birthday, Enzo!

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: May 12, 2010

Join Me on Facebook!  Spread the Word! Annnnnd we’re back to Enzo.  Just when we thought it was safe to ride the drug wave with Kristin we are heading back into “Enzo territory.”  Enzo, which I believe is Spanish for “anyone gets to be on this show,” is getting a birthday party planned by Heidi […]

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The Hills Recap: How Do You Know Who’s Not on Drugs?

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: May 5, 2010

Join Me on Facebook! Like they said on a very special episode of Saved By the Bell, “There’s no hope with dope!”  Well we’re back to sit through another crapisode of The Hills…an episode where we’re downing as many beers as we can in 30 minutes all whilst punching ourselves in the nuts repeatedly until […]

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The Hills Recap: It All Began With Water Balloons in Heidi’s Bra

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: April 28, 2010

Check Out the Latest Episode Recap of The Hills Here! The. Hills. Is. Back.  Slap your Momma in the face and shake the booze out of your Daddy’s broken hand because it’s going to be a season to end all seasons.  Literally.  Since this is the last season (wink wink, we ai-not fallin’ for it, […]

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The Hills Final Season Preview: The Role of Heidi Montag is Apparently Being Played By Teri Hatcher Wearing a Walgreens Fright Wig

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: March 31, 2010

Seriously, when did Heidi Montag turn into Teri Hatcher?  Ay yi yi.  Anycrap, The Hills final script is hot off the scripted press and scriptedly ready to script the nation with scripted words, scripted tears, scripted scenes, scripted drug scenarios, scripted divorces, scripted anger management, scripted teeth, etc.  The one thing that is real?  Eye […]

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The Hills Recap: Season Finale: Surprise, Heidi is Enzo's Biological Mother! Just Kidding, Nothing Happened in This Episode Either.

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: December 2, 2009

 Remember when there was always a cliffhanger on the season finale of The Hills?  Well the Teefs Fairy ain’t real and neither is The Hills.  There I said it.  During the last episode we get to painfully watch all of the horrific story-lines come together.  Will Heidi admit she’s the mother of Enzo?  Will Jayde […]

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The Hills Recap: What Happens in Vegas, is Staged in Vegas.

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: November 25, 2009

Oh kids.  Oh my little children.  Blah.  Here’s everything that happened in last nights episode of “The Hills.”  Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender went to Vegas and Justin Bobby showed up/was contractually obligated to go. Stacie the Pointless and Kristin kissed.  J Bob slept over and probably got to second base and Steve Sanders […]

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The Hills Recap: Heidi’s Plan to Trick Spencer Into Fatherhood, I Believe, is Illegal and Punishable By Law. I’m Voting Death Penalty.

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: November 18, 2009

    So we only have 3 episodes left of The Hills this season and, hopefully, for life.  The thought of the cast consisting of Jayde and Stacie the Pointless Bartender may be more than my little brain can handle.  Here’s what “happened” last night on The Hills: In keeping with the tradition of Season […]

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The Hills Recap: Brody's Mom's Face Looks Like Spencer's Vasectomy Procedure.

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: November 11, 2009

 IBBB Disclaimer:  This episode is so bad, I just basically ramble.  Read at your own risk. Last night on “The Hills”…. Kristin and Brody are out on a big “date.”  Their “date” lasts just long enough for them to say the following “Hills Catchphrases”: on-a-break, Jayde, broken up, Mrs Bobby, and fight.  They need to […]

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The Hills Recap: The "I'm Done" Tour Pushes Forward and Possibly Coming to a City Near You!

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: November 4, 2009

Well folks, we are in what I can only assume is the 15,000th episode of The Hills this season.  Somewhere in a barber shop getting her mustache shaved off, Lauren must be laughing at how horrible this season actually is.  There are only so many times Kristin can say “whatever dude.”  After the 16th time […]

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The Hills Recap: Holly's Intervention Part II: Stephanie Pratt Helps Lead the Intervention. Those Who Live in Anorexic Houses Should Not Throw Scones. Oh!

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: October 28, 2009

This week Holly Montag continues to entertain us with her drinking, her dancing, and her “drink dancing.”  We should all feel very lucky because without this the episode would consist of a conversation between Audrina and LOser and a conversation between Heidi and Steve Sanders.  Here’s what went down last night on Da Hills: We […]

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The Hills Recap: Someone Dust Off Candy Finnigan Because Drunken Holly Montag is Getting the World's Fastest Intervention!

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: October 21, 2009

  This week on a very special episode of “The Hills,” Kristin provides mosquito nets to children in third world countries, while Lo decides to donate her salary for the year to a homeless family, and Audrina contemplates enlisting in the US Army. Oh, wait, that didn’t happen. Holly gets buzzed, which everyone thinks is […]

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The Hills Recap: Apparently They've Decided to Just Go the Sex Route

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: October 14, 2009

Today’s Hills recap is brought to you by the letters: A, N, O, R, E, X, I and A.  And also by the numbers 9 and 1 lbs.  If you’re like me and were tuning in just to see Kristin Cavallari get a drink thrown in her face by Jayde you will be crying meth tears […]

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The Hills Recap: Remember When on "Who's the Boss" All of a Sudden That Little Kid, "Billy," Showed Up for a Season? Well, He Lives Next Door to Heidi and Spencer Now.

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: October 7, 2009

Oh you’re welcome for the photoshopping this week.  Just to pre-recap the recap, nothing happened on this episode.  Well, that’s a lie, Audrina stared at stuff…like a lot.  I’m not even sure if she was alive or if they were just pulling a “Weekend at Bernie’s” routine with rope, a pulley, and some peanut butter.  […]

Filed Under: celebrity gossip, the hills recap

The Hills Recap: The Script is Back

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: September 30, 2009

  I mean, I don’t want to say that I’ve finally trumped my photoshopping skills, but apparently I have.  It is officially as ghetto as this site.  Score.  Anyway, the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  The Hills is back and after praying to my Jesus Claus, he finally brought Kristin Cavallari back into our […]

Filed Under: celebrity gossip, the hills recap

The Hills Season Finale: Lauren is Dead…to Me.

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: May 31, 2009

Remember where you were when the Berlin Wall fell?  September 11th?  Jesus came back to earth to send Bindi Irwin directly to hell?  Well me too.  Similar to those important days in history you will always remember where you were when Lauren Conrad left “The Hills.”  It’s a sad day for everyone.  If Heidi and […]

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The Hills Recap: Hey Lauren, Yeah It's Spencer. So, Um, Er, Uh, Yeah…Sorry About that Whole Sex Tape Thing.

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: May 26, 2009

  We are officially just two crapisodes away from the season finale of The Hills and Lauren’s last episode…ever.  I hope they retire her mustache and raise it up to the rafters.  Maybe she’ll pass her mustache on to another cast-mate.  Perhaps Darlene Montag.  She’d look nice with it.  Anystache, here’s what went down last […]

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The Hills Recap: Introducing Bill Montag, the American Version of Juan Valdez

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: May 19, 2009

    Yeeee Haw!  Bill Montag is coming to town!  Heidi alerts Spencer that her “real dad” is coming to town to meet him and that he’s a real life cowboy who will probably bring his shotgun with him to LA.  Really?  Are you allowed to bring a shotgun with you on the plane from […]

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The Hills Recap: The Episode Where Everyone Goes to Work

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: May 12, 2009

You know they’re hitting tilt on the “desperate-o-meter” where the majority of The Hills episode is based on Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Heidi, and Stephanie working.  And come to think of it there aren’t 5 more deserving girls who should hold down employment.  Here’s what went down last night on The Hills: The opening scene was […]

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The Hills Recap: Jayde and Her Bottle of Jager Really Class Up the Crapisode

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: May 6, 2009

Not only did I forget the Heidi works at Bolthouse again, but I forgot that Kimberly, her co-worker, was alive.  It’s nice to see her again.  I bet she wrote to the producers asking them to have her back on the show since she grew her bangs out.  Why she’s dressed like a little sailor […]

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The Hills Recap: Hawaii 5-Ho and the Case of the Biblical Virgin Twins

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: April 28, 2009

  The surprise that everyone has been waiting for.  The girls in their Hawaiian dresses/shirts (Lauren in her plaid boys toddler shirt) sneak up on Brody and douche crew who are laying down and drinking beers.  First off, the girls can’t really sneak up on them because Audrina is with them and her teeth can […]

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The Hills Recap: Stephanie Pratt is the World's Worst Intern….and Person.

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: April 21, 2009

The Hills is back and it’s already going down hill (pun sorta intended, and sorta not used in the right way) and by “already” I mean “since season 2.”  Will Audrina use her teeth on Brody?  Will Sandy Sanders sink Pubic Revolution?  Will LC’s ‘stache get hired as an even newer intern?  Will Jen Bunney […]

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The Hills Recap: Kelly Cutrone Saves the Show….Again.

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: April 14, 2009

Who loves the new opening of The Hills?  I do, but mainly because I’m pretty sure they’re making fun of them in almost every shot.  And, obviously, I like that.  Here’s what went down last night on The Hills…. The crapisode kicks off with Sandy Sanders stopping by Casa de Chin to discuss Heidi’s ex-boyfriend […]

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I Have 2 Words For You: The Hills Season 5 Premiere is Back! Recap Time!

Author: Patrick Varone
Last Major Update: April 7, 2009

Heidi’s been practicing chasing seagulls for months.  Lauren’s black mustache has grown in just right.  Audrina’s teethhave been filed down slightly smaller than a beavers overbite.  Steve Sanders (Spencer, for those of you who are quick to forget) has both his hair and Santa Pubes beard freshly frosted.  Sandy Sanders is newly out of a […]

Filed Under: the hills recap

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