Funny Real Housewives of New Jersey Recaps Like You've Never Read Before

Well folks, it’s back.  It seems like just yesterday Milania was dragging around her siblings by their hair and here we are again watching Milania drag her siblings around by their hair.  We’ve really come full circle.  For the season opener everyone is up in stubby arms over Teresa’s random cookbook in which she has […]

Wow I can’t believe this is the last episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey already!  It seems like it just started 14 months ago and now we’re wrapping it up.  So what will happen?  Will Lauren finally be charged for the brutal strangling of Ashley?  Will the Brothers Manzo get a spinoff show that’s […]

I can honestly say I have no idea what the hell is going on with this show anymore.  Everyone is still in the Dominican and Caroline is still in bed for the 4th consecutive day.  She doesn’t even have the will to try and pretend she gives a Shasta what’s going on between Teresa and […]

I’m not sure what happened to this train-wreck, but it’s certainly not the same show I remember and loved where tables were flipped and everyone was afraid that Danielle Staub was going to kidnap their kids and enter them into a life of prostitution (whore).  This season is filled with Kat’s desserts and Caroline’s kids.  […]

RHONJ and Jersey Shore all on the same night?  Yowza!  I love when there are only shows about New Jersey on “the television!”  Here are some important topics to go over from last nights Real Housewives of New Jersey (ingredientses sold separately): Rosie is Totally Boober from Fraggle Rock  – I only want to live […]

Spoiler Alert:  Most of this episode is about Bonk Ashley again, so as opposed to skipping this entire recap for a second week in a row, let’s review some of the things we learned this week on “Real Housewives of a Place Where People Use to Punch at Each Other, Now They Just Attend Lame […]

42 minutes of a mix between Ashley being a douche and the Manzo family getting in shape?  No thank you.

Like a teen mom in trouble, I’m late.  Regardless, here are 7  things worth discussing from last nights Real Housewives of New Jersey: Caroline Rules is My Actual Physical Literal Hell – Are they kidding me with this?   We’re starting with a segment of Caroline Rules?  And the topic actually is “New Years Resolutions: Do […]

I’m not entirely sure why this is the 15th Christmas episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey but, alas, it is. No joke the first 35 minutes of this trash dump is people opening presents on Christmas morning.  I just kept thinking, but what the hell do I recap?  I mean, how many wrapping paper […]

Progamming Note: Join the Celebrity Twitter Bomb and tweet this recap to: @kellyripa @bravotv and @bravoandy You can use this shorter URL to cut and paste: http://bit.ly/qDmf1F “Twat Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Gorga marbled-out house not a creature was stirring, except for Kim G’s duck-lipped mouth.  And the Italian midgets […]

Christmas in New Jersey is a theme that I would like to find a way to apply to every aspect of my life.  If it’s not dipped in gold, made out of ice, or burning my retinas then I don’t want any part of it.  This week Christmas continues and we get to see Tre-bagger […]

After a nice 10 day vacation or “vacation” as they say in other similar languages to Spanish, I’m back! Sure I missed about 15 episodes of RHONYC, but at least I’m up to date with RHONJ. Let’s just move on. Here’s what went down last night on Real Housewives: Remember lines like, “Let me tell […]

Remember when Danielle used to be on this show and in every single episode you assumed someone was going to get killed…by her? I miss those days. Oddly enough they seemed like simpler times. Well this weeks episode seemed to follow suit with RHONYC where the entire 1hr and 15 minutes was a complete circus. […]

I tell ya, these Sunday night episodes sneak right up on you like Melissa’s knitted berets from hell.  I have a feeling the inside of it smells like  Nutella stuck in Gia’s braces.  Anyway, this week is all about two things; Teresa trying to make peace with Melissa and Doozer and Caroline on the God-for-saken […]

Way to F up my Sunday night schedule of getting into bed at 7pm whilst I regret the entire weekend and shake.  Now I need to stay alert to watch people from New Jersey entertain me and make me feel better/worse about my life or as people in some other countries say, “mi vida.”  I’m […]

I’m glad we live in a world where Real Housewives Tourettes is becoming part of my every day life. I’ve already incorporated “take steak” on the regular and now, thanks to Tre-bagger, I find myself just shouting “Unattended?!” whenever times get a little quiet…like when a car doesn’t let me, the pedestrian, have the right […]

Apparently we’re already at the part of the season known as “down time.”  Therefore, we have to all sit back and wait for the next Italian fight to take place, hopefully sometime before the end of the season.  Therefore, we kick things off with Teresa’s latest cookbook, which I believe is called, “My Four Hairlines.” […]

It’s Halloween for the gang of RHONJ and I’m sure it’s a safe bet that somewhere in a rusty dumpster Danielle is carving “b*tch” across her forehead with a broken wine bottle.  However, the rest of the housewives and their children are carrying pumpkins back and forth across Jacqueline’s estate for some inexplicable reason.  Seriously, […]

Get Social: Follow Me on Twitter & Facebook! I mean Bravo is churning these out like Disney on Ice, but I kinda have to admit I still find myself only wanting to watch television shows about people from New Jersey.  Sometimes I take the Path train just for sport.  Anytrashbags, I immediately thank both Jesus […]

Join Me on Facebook! Well tip your 40 because another full season of RHONJ has come to a close and so has the 2-part reunion.  It’s rude that Bravo has ignored my letters and requests that this  show be aired 7 days a week for 6 hours a day and include a special Christmas chuckie […]

Join Me on Facebook! Now I don’t want to oversell this, but the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion (Part 1) episode may have been the best piece of television that my eyes have quite possibly ever seen.  I basically sat hypnotized in front of my television with about 1 gallon of pee and poop […]

Join Me on Facebook! The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion is going to be in two parts.  I’m breathing slowing as I’m typing this because I want to open up my apartment window and yell out, “I love you America, I love you!”  The gang filmed this in Atlantic City, which is just basically […]

Join Me on Facebook! Well, well, well, it looks like our journey ends here.  We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we didn’t do much of anything else.  How is it already time for the season finale?  I’d like to thank Jesus Claus for bringing in new characters to my life like Kim G and Kim D.  I’d […]

Join Me on Facebook! Well we’re finally getting off the SS Guidette and Joe/Barney Rubble must have forgotten to take his Flintstone’s chewables and wash them down with a big glass of milk because he is throwing one of the best temper tantrums we’ve seen in a while.  Everyone else left their luggage in their […]

Buon natale, Dominic the Donkey, and chicken parmigiana!  Those are all ways to say “welcome” in Italian, I believe.  Fasten up your bedazzled seat belts because the crew is heading to Italy and from the first scene to the last scene this crapisode is an absolute sh*t show and every minute is worth watching.  Who […]

It’s the crapisode we’ve all been waiting for when, not only, is Dina back for a spell, but also because Kim G has an altercation with Danielle and swears a truck-driver in heat.  Me gusta Monday nights!  Here’s what went down last night on RHONJ (as “the kids” call it): Santa Christ on a horse.  […]

Join Me on Facebook.  Fugazi! It’s fitting that Teresa, Barney Rubble, and the “Fabulous” sisters are all playing Monopoly at the start of the crapisode.  It’s really a window into their current financial situation.  I think it’s good that they start teaching their girls things like “Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go.  Do […]

Join Me on Facebook! We kick things off at Casa de Foreclosure where everyone is in a frenzy trying to get out the door so that Barney Rubble can take the girls to some karate class.  Teresa makes sure to brush the sh*t out of their hair and, like a true New Jersey trash heap, […]

Join Me on Facebook!  Calm Down! I mean, come on.  Was this crapisode not all it was cracked up to be and more?  I think it’s hard to compare it to the “table flip” of last season as that consisted more of heated exchanges about this past, while this episode it was more of a […]

Join Me on Facebook! Real Housewives of New Jersey Recaps Every once in a while I turn off the TV and decided to interview someone who brings such joy to my sad, pathetic, yet interesting (ish) life.  This time around I’ve chosen Kim Granatell (Kim G) from the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Kim G […]

Join Me on “The Facebook.”  You’ll Love It! Here’s what went down last night on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: There can’t be enough Caroline Manzo siblings in my opinion so I’m psyched that we get to meet two more of Caroline’s sisters who are named Frannie and Cookie.  I mean, come on.  Brilliant.  […]

Danielle Staub “Real Close” Where do we even start?  Where?  Should we tackle the fact that Danielle was sitting at the piano while holding a microphone and not technically playing the piano?  Nah.  How about we start with Danielle keeping her eyes closed 90% of the time?  If you’re not a blind piano playing R&B […]