Well if that face doesn’t ring in the New Year, I don’t know what does! Danielle Staub from the Real Housewives of New Jersey celebrated the New Year with her alleged boyfriend, Dr. Michael Fiorillo at the China Club in NYC. Random drunken sources are also claiming that her boyfriend is also her plastic surgeon […]
Funny Real Housewives of New Jersey Recaps Like You've Never Read Before
The new season of RHONJ is finally back on 10.4.17! So why not get all caught up on your favorite trash-bag friends from Jersey and welcome back Danielle Staub with open tanned arms.
Prostitution Whore Wins in Court
Obviously there’s gotta be somethin’ else! And you know what? There was. Our very own prostitution whore, Danielle Staub, from Real Housewives of New Jersey has won a little court case that, wait for it….wait for it….was all caught on camera by the folks at Bravo and will be seen during the next season of […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: You Can Take Away Their House, But You Can’t Take Away Joe Guidice’s Ability to Do Splits (These Will Come in Handy in Jail)
Remember when Danielle used to be on this show and in every single episode you assumed someone was going to get killed…by her? I miss those days. Oddly enough they seemed like simpler times. Well this weeks episode seemed to follow suit with RHONYC where the entire 1hr and 15 minutes was a complete circus. […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: Rosie Teaches the Kids About Scissors
When the hell is the last time this show has been on? I’ve been worried sick about Lauren’s dieting and if she’s finally in her “size 4.” I wasn’t aware that Hanes Husky ran that small and, yes, it’s going to be that kind of recap. Things start off pretty normal in this episode, meaning […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey. My Mind Just Imploded!
I don’t want to oversell this, but the best show that has ever been created is going to air on May 12th. I, of course, am talking about The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I’m almost speechless. Almost. To me, the Real Housewives of New Jersey seems like it’s going to be “The Naked Gun” […]
RHONJ Recap: Calm as a Cucumber with a Hedgehog Hairline
I’d like to place an order. Yeah, I’d like a large Italian sub with no tomatoes and no hots. How much is that? How long will that be? End scene. Also, and scene. I can honestly say that each week the Real Housewives of New Jersey is on I always want an Italian sub. Always. […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: If Mary Knew This Is What Christmas Would Have Turned Into I’m Sure She Would Have Turned Down the Immaculate Conception
Christmas in New Jersey is a theme that I would like to find a way to apply to every aspect of my life. If it’s not dipped in gold, made out of ice, or burning my retinas then I don’t want any part of it. This week Christmas continues and we get to see Tre-bagger […]
RHONJ Recap: Hurricane Sandy Missed a Few
Is it too soon for Hurricane Sandy Duncan jokes? I’d assume “no” but I am typically sans social graces. We’ve finally arrived to the season finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey so that can only really mean one thing; we are ready for the fist-fight to end all fist-fights. Watching the tall-challenged throw […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: The One Where Everyone Tells Each Other to Get Back Inside the House
Progamming Note: Join the Celebrity Twitter Bomb and tweet this recap to: @kellyripa @bravotv and @bravoandy You can use this shorter URL to cut and paste: http://bit.ly/qDmf1F “Twat Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Gorga marbled-out house not a creature was stirring, except for Kim G’s duck-lipped mouth. And the Italian midgets […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Jersey is the New Black
What seems like the amount of time it takes for Mad Men to come back on the air, RHONJ is finally back! And the first thing I want to know is the same as what everyone else wants to know. Where can we get Kathy’s cannoli? I jest. We won’t be seeing as much of […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: Milania, the Lucille Ball of Our Generation (assuming Lucille served time in Juvie)
Like a teen mom in trouble, I’m late. Regardless, here are 7 things worth discussing from last nights Real Housewives of New Jersey: Caroline Rules is My Actual Physical Literal Hell – Are they kidding me with this? We’re starting with a segment of Caroline Rules? And the topic actually is “New Years Resolutions: Do […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Anti-Semite Norwegian Storm
Spoiler Alert: Most of this episode is about Bonk Ashley again, so as opposed to skipping this entire recap for a second week in a row, let’s review some of the things we learned this week on “Real Housewives of a Place Where People Use to Punch at Each Other, Now They Just Attend Lame […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Recap: “Do NOT Bring Up My FAMILY” is the new “And It Wasn’t Not Funny!”
Join Me on Facebook! Now I don’t want to oversell this, but the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion (Part 1) episode may have been the best piece of television that my eyes have quite possibly ever seen. I basically sat hypnotized in front of my television with about 1 gallon of pee and poop […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa and the Amazing Technicolor Fur Coats
RHONJ and Jersey Shore all on the same night? Yowza! I love when there are only shows about New Jersey on “the television!” Here are some important topics to go over from last nights Real Housewives of New Jersey (ingredientses sold separately): Rosie is Totally Boober from Fraggle Rock – I only want to live […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Return of Kim G and the Case of the Cameltoe Cat
It’s Halloween for the gang of RHONJ and I’m sure it’s a safe bet that somewhere in a rusty dumpster Danielle is carving “b*tch” across her forehead with a broken wine bottle. However, the rest of the housewives and their children are carrying pumpkins back and forth across Jacqueline’s estate for some inexplicable reason. Seriously, […]
RHONJ Recap: A Nut Biting Black Hairspray Shoe Polishing Good Time!
Celebrity Twitter Bomb Update: I was tipped off that Rebecca Romijn is a huge Housewives fan and is new to Twitter as of yesterday to I say let’s Twitter Bomb her this RHONJ Recap. Ole! So please Tweet this recap to @RebeccaARomijn and @ibbb and maybe we can get her to actually read this here craptastic blog and invite […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: “Ingredientes” and Formal Letter Writing: A Phonics Lesson With Teresa Giudice
Apparently we’re already at the part of the season known as “down time.” Therefore, we have to all sit back and wait for the next Italian fight to take place, hopefully sometime before the end of the season. Therefore, we kick things off with Teresa’s latest cookbook, which I believe is called, “My Four Hairlines.” […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: Who Knew People from Jersey Could Read Books?
Well folks, it’s back. It seems like just yesterday Milania was dragging around her siblings by their hair and here we are again watching Milania drag her siblings around by their hair. We’ve really come full circle. For the season opener everyone is up in stubby arms over Teresa’s random cookbook in which she has […]
RHONJ Recap: When Ellen Met Rosie
It’s amazing how quickly you can get bored when people aren’t throwing punches and rubbing their shoe polished head all over the place. It’s week 2 of the New Jersey Peace Treaty and I’m not entirely sure what this crapisode was about. One thing I do know for sure is that Sizzle Tans has an […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Gia Losing the Gymnastics Meet is Breaking Her Family Apart, I Think
Way to F up my Sunday night schedule of getting into bed at 7pm whilst I regret the entire weekend and shake. Now I need to stay alert to watch people from New Jersey entertain me and make me feel better/worse about my life or as people in some other countries say, “mi vida.” I’m […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: Rosie, the Mrs. Garrett of Our Generation (with a Beverly Ann Hairdo)
Sorry this one was a little late today. I was too busy writing countless (de lesepps) letters to Congress demanding that they give Rosie and Milania their own show. I’m confident this is what Congress is for. I’m less confident that I’m supposed to be capitalizing the word “Congress.” I’ll write a letter to ask. […]
RHONJ Season 8 Premiere Recap: Danielle Staub is Back, Baby!
The Real Housewives of New Jersey is officially back (genuflect). We’ll be crapping the ever-loving shiz out of the season. Let’s go! RHONJ is back and here’s everything we need to discuss from the season premiere! 1. Death Makes it Tough to Make Jokes: As we know by this point, Tre’s mom passes away and […]
The New Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 8 Taglines are Bananas
Because we’re all ready to finally dive in to the newest season of RHONJ! And the Real Housewives of New Jersey taglines for season 8 have officially arrived and, well, they don’t really disappoint! As we know there’s a new member of the cast, Margaret Josephs, and she’s really summing up what we can expect […]
Watch Now: The New Season of RHONJ is Here and Teresa Flips a Chair!
I couldn’t be more excited that FINALLY the newest season of Real Housewives of New Jersey is here! It’s debuting on October 4th and there’s a new cast member we’re already scratching our head over. It seems like this season Dolores and Siggy are ready to throw down, Danielle Staub is back (!!), Theresa and […]
Real Housewives of New Jersey: Why Won’t Christmas End?
I’m not entirely sure why this is the 15th Christmas episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey but, alas, it is. No joke the first 35 minutes of this trash dump is people opening presents on Christmas morning. I just kept thinking, but what the hell do I recap? I mean, how many wrapping paper […]
RHONJ Recap: Christmas Before Prison Never Been Sicker
We’re celebrating the Christmas season (and no other religious celebration) in New Jersey this week. Truth be told, every day is like Christmas when you’re in New Jersey. I mean, I just hear that. I will, of course, never set foot in that state as I am allergic to hair gel and gold chains. Allegedly. […]
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: To Puke or Not to Puke?
Join Me on Facebook! You’ll Hate It! Open up your kitchen garbage bag and scatter the trash all over your couch; grab a 6-pack of Zima, a small bottle of Chambord, and a huge plastic crazy straw; and spray yourself with a mix of your 1988 free samples of Exclamation and Drakkar Noir because it’s […]
Teresa and Joe’s Sentencing…as Told by RHONJ Teresa Gifs!
1. When I woke up and remembered sentencing started at 10am, I opened up every piece of social media and was like… 2. And then I waited…and waited. And then waited some more. Then I waited again and was like… 3. Then I read the Tweet that Joe’s sentencing was ready to begin and I […]
RHONJ Recap: Why Amber’s Crying May Impact Her Tomato Sauce Supply
We’re on Week 8 of “We Already Know You’re Going to Jail, We Just Want to Know for How Long.” Even though RHONJ is taking a hit in the ratings I’m still on for 2 reasons. (1) I want to see what the behind-the-scenes is really like and (2) I haven’t had a life since […]
RHONJ Recap: From Chicken Coops to Dunkin Donuts Shaming
If it’s one thing we can all relate to, it’s never humiliate someone enough that they’re embarrassed to show their spray-tanned face at the local Dunkin Donuts. For those of you reading this in the parts of the world where Dunkin Donuts doesn’t exist, first off, hi Tajikistan (!) and second, Dunkin Donuts is basically […]
RHONJ Recap: The One Where Everyone Dresses Like Sluts and Pulls Hair
Well I’m officially back from vacation and am trying to remember how to type and form sentences so bear/bare/beer with me whilst I recover from numbing my brain with sun and booze. Also, by the time I got back to my apartment my DVR was on fire. Apparently I recorded a lot of bad reality […]
First Look at the Real Housewives of New Jersey July Premiere (Video)
Christmas has come early for those “sans life” like me! Bravo has just released a video preview of the new season of Real Housewives of New Jersey that’s slated to premiere on July 13th, 2014. I hear that they’re still waiting to shoot the sentencing of Teresa and Joe and, well, I’m all in for […]