real housewives of beverly hills

As long as there’s a chance that Kim is doing dismounts off her wagon, I’ll be here to recap this junk again. As soon as she goes on the straight and narrow I’ll reevaluate my life in its entirety. This week we continue on with the poker fight from last week. Kim is still being […]

Was anyone else as psyched as me to get to this episode finally?! If you answered “yes” then I look forward to seeing you in the losers meeting this coming Friday. Say hello. Anygarb, this week we continue on with Yolander’s childhood tour in which she can show the girls two things: (1) How to […]

I’m not going to lie. I barely understood what this episode was about. I feel like the producers drank an entire bottle of bourbon and then just started piecing scenes and ideas together. I want to meet the person who was in the pitch meeting and was like, “So we’ll air, like, 35 minutes of […]

Is it wrong to say that even though Kim may be on a substance…or off a substance…or even under a substance…she still looks good. In fact, I’d wager a bet to say that this is the best she’s looked since this pesky little show started. Apparently Bravo is shelling out brush money these days. Good […]

Well look at us. Back together. For the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Now I haven’t recapped a RHOBH episode in a while as I had a firm stance on the show not being worth while anymore once Kim sobered up. Personally, I feel like a life of sobriety is one lacking bad decisions and, […]

Thanks to all who joined me for a little live-tweeting of the season premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And a special thank you to Andy Cohen who retweeted me during said event. And by “Andy Cohen” I of course mean “his assistant who controls his Twitter account.” Speaking of which, join me on […]

Grab the tissues…and try to choke yourself with them because this episode of Real Housewives where Yolanda’s daughter and Kim’s daughter go off to college make me want to take a dirt-nap immediately, if not sooner. Things kick off with Day 27 of the Puerto Rico trip. Everyone is wondering where Lisa has gone since […]

In typical Housewives fashion, everyone is taking a group trip and this time we’re going to the place that apparently Joyce owns, Puerto Rico. Obligatory “ole!” I truly believe that no one is more excited by this trip than Kim Richards, who is busy telling stories to us in Spanish that consist of her liking […]

If it’s one thing I’ve always wanted during any season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills it was to have actual intercourse with some of their houses. Like, I’d play dippity-ding-dong with the conservatory in Lisa’s home for example. This urge has never been more apparent than with Mohammed’s house. Is it a house, even? […]

I’m pretty sure it’s time to end the season. Here’s why. When a lunch meeting is being set up between Joyce, Carlton, and Carlton’s tucked ding-ding to discuss possible spells and other witchcraft that may or may not have been used on Joyce’s husband the previous night…you know it’s time to throw in the towel. […]

I’m starting to think that not only is Carlton hiding a penis on us, but she’s also hiding the fact that she’s slowly turning into the new Kim Richards. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ready for Andy Cohen do give her the boot but at least for now we can make penis jokes all the […]

Right off the bat we’re all stamping our Bingo cards because Carlton is having women come over to try out as pole dancers for her annual pool party. You wanna know what I was doing at my family’s annual pool party? Peeing in it. Either way, if it’s one thing we all know Carlton loves […]

Everybody loves a comeback story, especially starring Kim’s wiener taking a ride first class up to witch mountain. This week we get to sit a spell (not to be confused with Speak-n-Spell) and watch the Richard sisters get their gentlemen greeters waxed whilst holding a wide variety of dildos because, well, Russell killed himself two […]

I’m back from vacation/delivering gifts to all the rotten girls and boys in the United States and awkward parts of both Mexico and Canada. And New Mexico. Ole! With that said I got a case of the frights that missing two weeks of Real Housewives would leave me lost and confused. The good news is […]

We pick right up where we left off last week with Brandi slurring her way to freedom. Kim is still trying to figure out what “bullying” means and Yolanda is most likely adding the finishing touches to her Swiss Miss all whilst Joyce is flipping her hair from one side of her body to the […]

Stamp your passport and clean up the beav because white women are going to Palm Springs for a relaxing weekend on Joyce’s dime. Before we can depart, however, we’re forced to watch Brandi give us a heads up about her next book that, per usual, deals with sex. I wonder if she gives women tips […]

Welcome back, everybody! After a nice Thanksgiving break I’m ready to pick up where I left off before which is basically the gutter. Join me, won’t you? I’m still on the edge of my seat after last weeks episode where Joyce pulled Lisa aside to discuss the incident where Lisa asked that Joyce not fix […]

If you’re pressed for time let me take you through this recap in two short statements: (1) Discussions about Lisa fainting takes up 43 minutes and (2) Carlton may be a lesbian and a witch, but may not be a lesbian witch. For those of you who have more time on your hands, let’s get […]

I’m still coming down from my high of Monday after an article I wrote was published over at Haper’s BAZAAR and then later picked up by Cosmopolitan. If you haven’t gone to those sites and Liked/Tweeted and Commented on my article, you’re dead to me. However, thanks to all of you who have been super […]

Obamacare, shmobamacare! All that matters is that the Real Housewives of Beaverly Lakes is back! If you think your 1% raise from last year increased the quality of your life that’ll all be put in check when you’re forced to watch scenes with rich women complaining about trust issues all whilst sporting clothes that cost […]