The Olsen Sluts are in the process of writing a coffee table book that will feature “the most interesting, challenging, creative people we know” – said one of the Olsen’s. It doesn’t matter which one said it. What’s ironic is that I’m currently in the process of writing a coffee table book about how I […]
mary kate olsen
Don’t Look at Me Like That, My Little Olsen!
Look at her looking at me. It’s like you can cut the sexual tension with a knife…..a Play-Doh knife because, you know, Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen is not old enough to use a “big peoples” knife. She will be in big trouble, mister! The indistinguishable Olsen, dressed Fraggle head to dwarf toe in Kelly Cutrone black, hit up […]
My Mail-Order Olsen Bride Finally Arrived!
They promised me 5-7 business days, but my mail-order Olsen bride actually arrived on my doorstep in 3 business days, which was a refreshing surprise. I haven’t been able to tell, yet, if this indistinguishable Olsen is alive or dead but, frankly, it doesn’t matter. We’ve been running lines from some of my favorite Full […]
My Own Personal Two-Headed Olsen Monster! Just In Time for the Holidays!
I do believe in Two-Headed Olsen Monsters! I do believe in Two-Headed Olsen Monsters! I DO believe! Indistinguishable Olsen’s were all creeptastic smiles and bug-eyed glares whilst they attended the NYC premiere of “Nine” at the Ziegfeld Theatre last night. So I’m almost certain that the Olsen Monster on the left snuck into Aunt Becky’s […]
Uh-Oh! Looks Like Little Michelle Tanner Got Into Aunt Becky's Stuff Agaaaaain!
An indistinguishable Olsen was all “creepy face” as she attended the Tim Burton Tribute at the Museum of Modern Art in New York City the other night. If Papouli was still alive and knew that his little Michelle was rummaging around in Aunt Becky’s personal makeup collection (from Walgreens) he would be rolling over […]
Is My Little Olsen Sassin' Me?
Ohhhhhh the Olsen Sluts are pissed! From the looks of it, it looks like they just knocked over a 7-11. I bet their bags are filled with hot dogs and Slurpee’s. Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen and her sister, Shecky Olsen, were all angry looks and side-eye huffs as they made their way through LAX over the weekend. I […]
An Indistinguishable Olsen Wears the Entire Dining Room Table
Looks like someone hit the jackpot at the “Papouli Checks Out of Earth” funeral yardsale. Oopa! Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen tossed on Papouli’s old doily and his John Lennon sunglasses (he was a real hit in the 70’s) and headed out to perform victory laps all over the streets of New York City. Maybe she was looking for […]
My Little Olsen, Slut Lips Olsen, I Like to Brush Her Curly Hair
Now here’s an Olsen for ya! I’m not sure which Olsen this one is, but I’m going to guess, “Shecky Olsen?” Shecky Olsen smeared on her whore-red lipstick, permed her hair like Kimmy Gibbler, and headed out to the 125th Anniversary of the Metropolitan Oprah House in Lincoln Center, NYC, yesterday. 125 years? Isn’t America […]
Is My Little Olsen Going Grey?
I’m going to be in very big trouble, mister, for saying this, but I think my little Olsen is starting to go grey. I’m noticing a little skunk patch on the top of the indistinguishable Olsen. If you recall, Michelle Elizabeth Tanner lost her shiz when she was turning 5 and Danny Tanner and crew […]
An Indistinguishable Olsen Smokes and Kisses. Looks Like She Learned A Lot from Gia's Makeout Party!
Papouli must be rolling over in his grave right now. Oppa! Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was caught smoking and making out with someone on the streets of New York City over the weekend. Looks like someone learned a thing or two from watching reruns of the Full House episode titled “Gia’s Makeout Party.” Even though Stephanie never wanted […]
Hey That’s My Olsen!
Hey, that’s my Olsen! I’m not sure which Olsen this actually is, so I’m going to guess it’s the secret triplet Olsen named “Shecky.” Shecky Olsen attended The Cinema Society’s Screening of “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.” Boring. I think it’s more interesting if Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen was attending the “Michelle Tanner Finds Multiple Reasons to […]
Who in the Holy Hell Knocked Up My Little Olsen? Please Leave Me Your Name.
Sing along if you know the tune: “My little Olsen, pregnant Olsen,I love to brush your Tanner-like hair. My little Olsen, knocked up Olsen,I can’t take you anywhere.” Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen is allegedly “with child.” Have mercy! This is all according to the National Enquirer because the Olsen in question is said to have gained weight lately […]
The Olsen’s Sign Copies of “I’m the Cute One” in New York City
Oh, no? That’s not what they were signing? Well thank Jesus Claus I didn’t end up calling in sick from work to go see The Olsen’s because I almost considered it. My friend thankfully alerted me that both Olsen Sluts were going to hold a public signing at Barnes and Noble in NYC and I […]
Michelle Tanner Got Her License?
Well will ya look at that! Michelle Tanner finally got her license. You totally know when she passed her driving exam her instructor let her know that she passed by saying, “You got it, dude” and then handing her her license. Michelle better realize that driving is a privilege and not a big joke just […]
A Hitch-Hiking Gutter Olsen Slut
How come there’s never a hitch-hiking gutter Olsen Slut on the side of the road when I’m driving by? Life is so unfair. I blame the terrorists, global warming, and the underground railroad for this. Anyhouse, an indistinguishable Olsen was sporting her best Danny Tanner button-down flannel shirt as she was leaving a Radiohead concert […]
An Olsen Does Stuff, Like Walking, For Example
An indistinguishable Olsen was walking the streets of NYC with her friends over the weekend. It’s was only about 80 degrees this weekend in the Big Orange, so it clearly makes sense the Olsen in question was wearing black boots and a flannel shirt wrapped around her Tanner-like waist. Supposedly the dude to the left […]
Wait, There Really are 2 Olsen’s?
Stop the f’n press. There really are 2 Olsen’s? I always assumed it was like the Michael/Janet Jackson thing. I guess I just assumed there was 1 Olsen who played the role of 2. Hmm. Interesting. Anyway, the above photo is from the Olsen Sluts new book called, Influence, which will be available to buy […]
An Olsen vs. Spencer Pratt? It’s like “Sophie’s Choice” for Me!
What does one do when their two favorite worlds collide? You first pray to your Santa and then you write a letter to your Jesus. That’s what I do and it always seems to provide me with a sense of peace. An indistinguishable Olsen and Spencer Pratt are getting into a bit of a faux-fight […]
Meet Olsenkowasaki!
I’ve been hitting the Olsen lottery lately! An indistinguishable Olsen was at The Cinema Society and Sony Cierge Host a Screening of “The Wackness” the other night. Who cares, right? Exactly. Except this is one of the best Mary-Michelle-Ashely-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen sightings of ALL time, for me, because this Olsen is dressed all Japanese and stuff AND […]
Hey That’s My Olsen!
What a great way to start my Monday! I’m not sure how old these are, but here are some killer photos of an indistinguishable Olsen from someones party that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden also attended. Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen had on a traditional Winehouse headpiece that I believe is native to the land called “England.” The Olsen […]
Don’t Sass Me, Unidentifiable Olsen!
Why you sassy little Olsen bitch, you. Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was recently interviewed by Elle Magazine and I don’t like her attitude one bit! I’ll wash that little Olsen mouth out with soap! Ok, well it wasn’t that bad but I still have dreams of sticking a bar of soap in Olsen mouth. Anytanner, Elle asked the […]
Hi You’ve Reached Ashley Olsen. I’m Either on the Phone or Away From My Desk. Please Leave a Message and I’ll Return Your Call Shortly. Thanks.
Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was technically at the CFDA Awards last night in NYC and was all creepy smiles, but by the looks of her she could have also been posing in front of Conference Room B (which is directly across from the fax machine). She’s had a busy day “dialing for dollars” and has to give her […]
Olsen Eyebrows Cause Olsen Smiles
Finally! The secret has been uncovered! People used to always wonder why The Olsen Sluts never smiled, but now we can be pretty sure that it’s somehow tied to their eyebrows. Perhaps it’s a twin thing that traces all the way back to the birth canal. Olsen birth canal….gross. Anyway, new Olsen eyebrows tend to […]
Hey! Who Slashed My Olsen?!
Uh oh! Who in the hell slashed my Olsen? Mary-Michele-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen was with her sister, Tootie Olsen, at the Met Costume Gala in NYC the other night and looks like she got attacked by Comet. That crazy dog! I also think it’s about time to update their old award winning song from “I’m the Cute One” […]