american idol recap

(Please sing the next 3 sentences to the tune of “How Much is that Doggy in the Window”) How much is that pedophile in the window, the one with the stringy perm. How much is that diddler in the window. I do hope that diddler is registered. Seriously? What the hell is up with Sanjaya’s […]

Ugh. Where to begin?  The show kicked off like robotic bat out of robotic hell when the Idol kids started to sing “Hot and Cold” by Katy Perry.  I hate this part of the show the most.  It’s like watching the Brady kids turn themselves into the Silver Platters and belt out a horrific tune.  […]

After American Idol has raped the American public of gazillions of dollars and time lost in our lives, they have decided to give back. Whatever it takes I guess. I’d assume the children of Africa are psyched to see someone else famous besides Sally Struthers. I know I’d be happy for the change of pace. […]

It’s double elimination night on American Idol.  I wish it was a triple elimination, 2 contestants and then American can just vote me out of life.  Here’s what went down on the results show, in proper bullet point format: Remember when Ryan Seacrest used to wear camouflage army pants and a jean jacket when he […]

There is nothing I like better than before and after teeth pictures. It’s a sickness really. I mean it’s not as bad as my sister’s obsession with before and after pictures of people on crystal meth, but it definitely comes in a close second. Plus, anyone who throws in “Porcelain DiVinci Veneers” really takes the […]

I guess when Idol gives back that means that all the contestants wear white clothes. Hey Idol, it’s not 1945 when white is “good.” All that was missing was the pointy hat. I guess they are mini KKK members in training. Anyway let’s get on with what went down or as I like to call […]

The President of the United States almost rudely interrupted the American Idol Results Show last night.  So rude.  In case you missed his speech, let me sum it up for you:  The world is going to f’n explode, but if you cover your mouth when you sneeze you may not get the Swine Flu. Moving […]

My sister loves “before and after” pictures of people on crystal meth (awesome!). I love “before and after” pictures of celebrities who change just one thing about themselves and then look like a completely different person….not just a little different, but insanely different. Looks like I hit the jackpot again as Justin Guarini ditched his […]

Seriously, what is American Idol even about anymore? I get that the first night is about the singing. It’s also about Paula Abdul jumbling her words and clapping, but I digress. The second night is a complete train-wreck. The results take about 11 seconds, the remaining hour is a mix between Sabado Gigante on the […]

I don’t even know why I’m recapping this episode.  I think if I type while watching it somehow erases the fact that I’m a grown man who actually still watches this show.  It could be worse, however.  I could be doing what Seacrest is doing at the start of the show which is standing on […]

It’s good to see that Jennifer Hudson hasn’t forgotten where she came from. Right now, somewhere, Jennifer is saying, “What do you mean where I came from? I started at Dream Girls.” All of a sudden Jennifer wins the Golden Globe, wins the SAG award, and is up for an Oscar and she is verbally […]

It’s the second to last American Idol episode, so you know what that means….they are going to recap the hell out of the last season. Oh God. I don’t need to see the what happened 13 weeks ago, or however long it was. Anyway, here’s how the crapisode went down: Hmmm, does Paula have a […]

Alright folks, Hollywood Week began on American Idol this week and even though I haven’t seen everyone, I’m making an extremely early pick for my top two on Idol.  My first pick is Haeley Vaughn.  Haeley is just 16 years old from Fort Collins, Colorado and just may be Idols first African American country singer, […]

So it’s finally the American Idol finale and I already regret committing to watching this for 2-hours. Who will win? Blake? Jordin? Who cares? So here’s how the American Idol finale went down. Please note that I am dumber for watching…and I’m ok with that. Hmmm, Blake and Jordin kick off the night singing together. […]

Join Me on Facebook and Let’s Talk Teeth. update: July 8, 2010: CRYSTAL BOWERSOX NEW TEETH UPDATE!  I repeat, Crystal Bowersox has new teeth.  Alert! Alert! Alert! Crystal Bowersox has taken to her Twitter account to snap a piggity-picture of her brand new smile, which includes some nice new store-bought teef! Clearly the likes of […]

American Idol had a special moment (cue the Full House music) last night. They’ve been talking about a special announcement all season. What’s the announcement? Well, they’ll be raising money for poor people in Africa and New Orleans. On April 24th and April 25th America Idol will have a theme, “Inspirational Songs.” For every vote […]

Yeah so “The Idol Machine” is back in full force this week and I’m not looking forward it all. Here’s why: It’s Hollywood week which means that people are going to be singing the worst songs, which will probably include but not be limited to: “Sugar Pie Honey Bunch,” “My Girl,” “Baby I Need Your […]

You know it’s taken weeks, but I’ve finally figured out where I’ve seen American Idol’s Andrew Garcia before.  That’s right folks, I’m talking about Team America: World Police and I am, of course, referencing Kim Jong Il.  That’ll be all.

Oh now look how sweet and innocent Antonella Barba can be. For this one time only I will allow Antonella to share the name of Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and will call her “Saint Antonella Barba de las Box.” It’s nice to see Antonella taking shots off of the ice luge as opposed […]

Dear American Idol Contestants, Hey there how are you? I’m sure you’re already stressed at this point so I’ll keep this short. I have a few requests, if you don’t mind. First, at the beginning of each episode when they announce you one by one and you enter the stage can you please stop doing […]

Well, well, well.  So we meet again.  Now I got more crap about 2 months ago when I asked which week Crystal Bowersox was going to get her teeth whitened.  I mean, I also said that she had a great voice and would probably win the whole thing, but die-hard fans of Bowersox were kind […]

In the “I Can’t Believe I’m About to Report on This” News, ex American Idol contestant Mario Vasquez is being accused that he tried to “pleasure himself” in front of a male employee in the bathroom on the set of American Idol in February of 2005. What a jerk (pun intended)! The lawsuit, which allegedly […]

Ah yes, the Idol is back and is just about ready to kick off 4 people so I thought it was the perfect time to recap that absolute piss out of last nights episode. Who stays? Who goes? How many times will Simon ask Paula what Ryan said? How many peace finger signs will Randy […]