Alright! Our favorite (and only) guest blogger is back! Jenny had finished fighting the war in Canada, finished fixing that tricky global warming problem, and has rollerskated the entire Great Wall of China. Jenny has come back to specifically recap the piss out of this season of America’s Next Top Model. It’s Cycle 9 and Tyra and the girls are just as crazy. Did you see this crapisode? Tell Jenny what you thought…or else! Here’s how she said the season premiere of America’s Next Top Model went down:
Hang onto your underpants peanuts gang…It’s America’s Next Top Model- Cycle 9.
- The show opens with Tyra calling the finalists on the phone, to let them know they’ve made it onto the show. The girls shriek with delight and surprise at the sound of Tyra’s voice. I don’t understand why they are so surprised, since they are video-taping their own reactions. Unless……Do they always have a video camera rolling while they take phone calls? Damn President Bush and his wiretapping!
- The girls are going on a cruise and Miss Jay is the cruise director. At this point I am really hoping for a cameo from Isaac and am practicing my “2 finger point” in the mirror. Looks good.
- The girls don huge orange life jackets and strut down the runway. I find this challenge amusing. I mean, I’ve been on a cruise before and have had to do the “life jacket drill.” After a few shots of tequila, my friends and I would just point at each other and tell each other we looked like a-holes. I guess Tyra was taking this in a different direction than my friends and I would have.
- Sweet baby Jesus, Tyra just showed up as a showgirl in a Vegas-style ship show (or shit show, if you will). I am completely disappointed that she isn’t singing “Shake Ya Body.” Mad props to anyone who remembers that smash hit from season 1. You are a true fan…and that’s not a good thing.
- As a side note, I am getting slightly depressed looking at all these skinny models. It’s not fair. I mean, I am sitting here eating an Italian sub. Like a pig at a trough. Seriously…Pickles and lettuce falling all over the place.
- There are too many girls at this point for me to commit to any formal introductions. Just know that there is a robot dance, a girl they call hunch back, tears, and a legit demonstration from Tyra on a Brazilian wax. Tyra plays psychiatrist to all of the girls, per usual.
- Quote of the night from one of the ANTM hopefuls: “I know stuff….I read books.” Really?
- Still no cameo from Isaac, but there is one from Jaslene. She is doing some type of high kicks on the beach.
- Okay…After the girls have their photo shoot in Antigua, they get to find out if they made it to the next round. The girls run like the beach is on fire to see if their picture is hanging up. This leads to the usual tears for the girls who didn’t make it. One girl is literally bawling her eyes out, saying “now I have to go back to school!” I mean, cheer up. Nobody died. It’s just school. It’s actually fun…They have beer pong there.
- The kicker is how they have the winners waving to the losers on the shore as they sail away toward success. Perfect.
- Tyra makes the girls stand up and say why they deserve to be here (SNORE)…and they narrow the 20 down to the lucky 13. Let the fun begin. And by fun, I mean horror.