The Hills: Young Hollywood, Old Script

• I heart how Whitney and Lauren have single handedly turned a sacred church into a high-fashion whore house. Somewhere (up in the sky, I’d assume) God is thinking, “My work here is done.”
• I also heart Lisa Loveless. She seems like a great boss. She tells Whitney and LC (yeah it seemed like an “LC” moment) that they are working the front and the front is “horrible” to work. When LC asks Lisa Loveless a question Lisa Loveless, as always, belittles and degrades her. I assume Lauren gets reminiscent of her relationship with Jason when Lisa Loveless talks down to her.
• Why does Kimberly, the Event Coordinator, look so familiar? P.S What ever happened to Emily the “Super Intern?” Fine, I’ll also throw it in there…where’s Cami been from Laguna Beach?
• Steve Sanders sends Heidi flowers for her 3rd 21st birthday. I assume he stole them off a grave. He even writes a little note that says, “Happy 21st birthday. Here’s to another 100 birthdays together.” Really Steve? 100 more birthdays? Look, I don’t think this world needs Heidi Montard in it for 6 more birthday, let alone another 100. You really want her to live to 121? 121 years old. Oh yeah? Well you better put some extra sets of boobs and chins in the freezer because Heidi’s going to need some plastic surgery touch-ups during the following birthdays: 30, 41, 45, 50, 52, 56, 60, 63, 64, 68, 70, 71, 79 (she’ll let herself go for a few years), 80, 85, 91, 92, 93, 96, 100, 101, 105, 107, 110, 115, 120, 121.
• Do I feel kinda bad that Heidi’s birthday lunch is only with a co-worker? A little. Damn you writers of The Hills for allowing me to fall into this trap! This is exactly what you want from me. Damn you! Damn you and your brilliant pens!
• Audrina’s teeth are whiter than normal. I shit you not. I assume she’s just using white-out at this point.
• Retards alert! Retards alert! Heidi and Kimberly have matching bags as they go to lunch, except Kimberly’s is silver and Heidi’s is gold. Silver and gold, silver and gold, one is for Kimberly, and the other Heidi’s nose. Silver and gold, silver and gold, you’re both big tools, and I feel old.
• Why is Heidi saying she should order a glass of wine (with lunch, mind you) because it’s her first time? We have years of documented footage of your drinking, slut. So why are you so amped you’re finally 21?
• Yeah Heidi, from 20 to 21 really was your “biggest growing year” so far. You really made a name for yourself. Keep reaching for the stars and maybe by the time you’re 23 you can be arrested for clubbing baby seals and punching pregnant women in the stomach.
• Heidi explains that for her 21st b-day she’ll be going on a “surprise dinner” with Steve Sanders. Awesome. Surprise! Here’s your dinner! You’re 21. You should be on a party bus going through LA doing shots, puking, and accidentally getting pregnant. Oh well, keep drinking your white-trash White Zin….I’m sure you’ll figure something out.
• Meanwhile back at the church Whitney looks like she’s going to puke.
• Lauren is trying to explain the ear pieces and walkie-talkies to Whitney which is kind of like explaining the the makeup of an atom to a toddler. Although, bonus laughing points for the ear pieces as I’m sure pure comedy with ensue.
• I usually don’t notice this stuff, but has Lisa Loveless been wearing the same black dress for the past 3 episodes. I bet she stinks like cigarettes, mentos, and protein shakes.
• Wait, do you think that Lauren is pissed that she has to work the Young Hollywood party and not attend it? The fashion show is already 30 minutes late. Time to just quit, Whitney. Run Whitney, run!
• And cue Audrina and Justin Bobby at the Viper Room wearing matching leather jackets. I’ve been to the Viper Room and it sucked. Although if you like glass breaking at your feet and people puking on the floor then by all means, attend.
• Wait, Audrina is literally wearing a white t-shirt and that’s all. Her teeth are actually whiter than her t-shirt. A first for teeth, I believe.
• It must mean a lot to the band that the receptionist from Epic (Audrina) is telling them that their music is good.
• What happened to Steve Sanders Santa Claus beard?
• Steve gives Heidi a purse that looks like a car seat and…she’s psyched.
• This goes down as the worst 3rd 21st birthday ever. Awkward looks. Awkward conversation. Awkward smiles. An awkward nose and an awkward chin too.
• Steve Sanders and Heidi are legit interacting like an elderly couple who have been married for 41 years and literally have nothing left to say to each other. I’m uncomfortable looking at them….and more than normal.
• Lauren for Whitney. Lauren for Whitney. Whitney please come to the customer service area, your child is here and is missing her mother. Please come claim her, thank you.
• I heart the ear pieces. Truly. Lauren has been calling for Whitney for about 10 minutes and Whitney doesn’t have her ear piece in. Brilliant.
• I’m not going to lie. I have no clue what’s going on. People are trying to sit. Whitney is asking Lisa Loveless if she’s good. Whitney is telling Lauren that she’s good and gives a thumbs up. Lauren is running with her ear piece and telling people they’re good. Some random lady tells Whitney to tell Lauren to wait because Hillary Duff isn’t there yet. Huh? What? I’m confused. What in the hell are they actually doing? Forget it. I’m taking the loss and just moving on.
• It’s great that The Hills is using the song, “All Around the World” by ATB during the fashion show. I liked that song when it literally was out in 2001. 2001. What a great year. See you on iTunes ATB!
• Fashion shows make me embarrassed. What? It can’t all be about The Hills. Get to know me.
• Alright! In after 11 seconds the fashion show is over! Congrats everyone you did a great job of confusing the hell out of me.
• Audrina and Justin Bobby are out at the Ruse afterparty drinking “naughty schoolgirls” which come with a lollipop in them. I think Audrina should have ordered the “Toothy Tool” that comes with some Crest Strips in it. Oh well. Although it is great that Justin Bobby is ok with drinking what looks like a Cosmo. He’s like one of those old wrinkled douche-bags from Sex in the City. Or is it Sex and the City? I’ve never seen an episode.
• Stop the F’n press. Did Justin Bobby, IN A LEATHER JACKET, just say, “Aaaayyyy” like “The Fonz?” Seriously, I may have to rename Justin Bobby “The Fonz.” I pray to my sweet Jesus that this season never ends.
• The dude from Ruse is all into Audrina and asks Justin Bobby what the deal is with him and her. Of course, “The Fonz” says, “We’re cool she’s a good girl.” The dude from Ruse then gets even more direct and says, “Is she available to be asked out.” To which “The Fonz” continuously says, “She’s pretty good. She’s pretty good.” Huh? What the hell does that mean? I think what he meant to say was, “Please, sir, wait until the cameras stop rolling as Audrina and I are just together for the show and I’m not quite sure how to answer this with a microphone attached to me and a camera in my face. Pip pip!” Ok fine, so I assume that when the cameras stop rolling Justin Bobby has a British accent.
• Everyone loved the Young Hollywood party and Whitney was a hero.
• Justin Bobby and Audrina are literally stumbling home drunk and it looks like Justin Bobby stole some pants from a 5th grade boy and put them on. Diddler.

Next week Lauren and Heidi have a scripted meeting in which word and looks are exchanged and Lauren says “I want to forgive you and forget you.” Da-da-duuuuuuun. Could this be “When Douche’s Collide II.”

Why can’t I host The Hills Aftershow? You people need to start writing letters on my behalf.

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