The Hills: Whitney’s Date is Kinda Whitney

It’s about time Whitney got some real airtime. Will Whitney spout out greeting card sayings during her date? Will Heidi and Steve Sanders end their fauxgagement? Will Audrina’s teeth implode? How drunk will Lauren be? Justin Bobby anyone? Let’s see what goes down on this episode, With This Ring…

  • Yes! The girls are all at the gym working out with 2 pound weights. For me, this is very reminiscent of the Saved By the Bell episode when the girls made a music video and were at the gym singing, “Put your mind to it, go for it, you got to break a sweat; rock and roll you ain’t seen nothing yet.” Brilliant. This is like an 80’s montage.
  • Now I’m not 100% sure when it comes to what personal trainers are supposed to do, but should Jarrett be drinking a tall Starbucks Espresso in a can while the girls work out? Also, why is Audrina starting to remind me of Kelly Kapowski? Many questions, many questions.
  • Yeah, so when the workout is over the girls go outside for stereotypical protein shakes. They’re outstide still wearing their gym clothes which consists of tank-tops. Suddenly, when it’s over Whitney puts on a coat….a coat that has fur around the collar and the sleeves and has a hood. Brrrrr that 80 degree weather must feel brisk when you get out of the gym.
  • I bet my bank account that the church would burst into flames once Heidi and Steve Sanders entered. Looks like I’m out $10.00.
  • The church won’t be available for 6-months. I’m hoping this means there will be a season 4 of The Hills. And by “hoping” I mean “I am sitting here with my rosary beads praying to my sweet Jesus.”
  • Seriously is it 20 degrees out because now Whitney is getting ready at Lauren’s “apartment” with a blanket around her shoulders. Why is Whitney my Nana?
  • Lauren is such a good friend that when Whitney leaves the room Lauren goes through her bag looking for make-up. Hopefully she’ll find something for the wrinkles under her eyes. No dice.
  • The girls are heading to Big Wang’s to meet up with their trainer Jarrett (because that makes sense) and Whitney is apparently wearing Peg Bundy’s lingerie to this sports bar. She has a scarf on too. Of course.
  • Hmmm, Lauren drinking a beer has somehow made her even hotter.
  • Whitney and Jarrett play pool and Jarrett basically asks Whitney out. Where are they going, you ask? Oh, on a “workout” date. No really. He is going to train her for their date. Why not just say, “Hey fatass wanna go out this Saturday? The movies? No way. You’re working out and I’m going to watch you to make sure you do it.” I’m totally trying that sometime, but I refuse to workout too.
  • Whitney doesn’t seem desperate at all when she says she wants to go as soon as possible. Ahhh young love. Young scripted love.
  • Watching Whitney do jumping jacks and “wind punches” makes me content as a human. I could watch this all the live long day.
  • Bonus points for Whitney sporting a little cameltoe during her workout. That’s right I saw it.
  • Heidi wants to wear a crown at her wedding. Fitting. Steve Sanders should wear one too. They can be the King and Queen of Douchebagland.
  • I’ve decided no more side profiles of Lauren. Only straight on shots from now on.
  • Sweet! It’s time for Whitney and Jarrett’s date. The second they sit down they are brought their drinks. Efficient. Jarrett looks like he’s drinking a kamikaze and he’s drinking it out of a little tiny straw. Manly.
  • Oh my God. It’s hit me. Jarrett is Whitney. Whitney is Jarrett. They are the same person. The SAME person. This is a match made in heaven. There is no way this relationship won’t work out. I’d love to have a conversation with both of them together. I can only imagine the crap that they would spew out. Oh and I want to have “game night” with them. I wonder how they’d do playing Scategories?
  • Cheers to that? Really? Why not just clink glasses and yell “Woo-hoo Spring Break!!!”
  • What the hell is this line of questioning? Jarrett asks Whitney what her sign is and then Whitney asks Jarrett what his dreams are. Really? You felt that was the next logical question? Good transition. That’s like someone asking how your food is and then you ask them about their thoughts on abortion. Smooth.
  • Heidi and Steve Sanders are in a fight because he plans a surprise trip to get married in Vegas that night. Heidi is pissed because she wants a wedding as big as her chin. Steve Sanders doesn’t want the pressure of family and friends there as he wants it to be just him and her…..and the MTV camera crew….and then America and the world watching it 2 weeks later.
  • Heidi follows close to the script and takes her ring off and Steve Sanders looks at it without blinking and with his mouth ajar, of course. Bonus points for my use of the word “ajar.” Thank you. Steve Sanders grabs his suitcase and peaces out. Hopefully he’s leaving to go and take a dirt nap.
  • Heidi is busy at work and talks to Kimberly, the new Elodie, about her fight with Steve Sanders. Kimberly is all into the conversation. Elodie would have been better in this situation. Damn her for leaving us.
  • Later on Heidi and Steve Sanders made up. Steve stayed at his parents house for the night, just like an old episode of The Flintstones.
  • The folks at MTV really stuck it to us, the viewers, by playing Alicia Keys new song “No One” while Heidi and Steve Sanders hugged and they faded to black.

On the next episode of The Hills….OH MY HOLY GOD! Steve Sanders has a SISTER! This, perhaps, could be the BEST day of my life. I’m not kidding. I already have a name picked out for her, as my friend Maria text messaged me her thoughts on her name last night. This name will be revealed next week. Steve Sanders sister looks like a complete cracked out trainwreck. Thank you MTV! Thank you! Justin Bobby kisses some random chick at the bar and Audrina sees it and then pushes the girl….she smiles while she pushes her, but she pushes her nonetheless. Next week will rule.

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The Hills: Whitney’s Date is Kinda Whitney

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