The Hills: When Douches Collide

Alright alright, so it’s the highly anticipated crapisode of The Hills where Lauren and Jason and Heidi and Steve Sanders all “just happen” to bump into each other at “Ketchup.” I have many questions before watching. How will this go down? How will Lo work “Justin Bobby” into a random conversation? What other random cast member will show up with a nose job? Will Audrina’s teeth be considered a weapon of mass destruction? How many scenes will Whitney keep her mouth open in? Where oh where is my Lisa Loveless? How many people does LC have to blow in order to constantly get into Les Deaux? How many songs will play during this episode that will foreshadow future happenings. Phhhhew, that’s a lot of questions. Here’s how this crapisode went down:
  • Audrina in a hoodie sweatshirt is a spitting image of ET (if you’re too young to get that reference Google it, and I’ll be off killing myself). Why does Lauren keep her door unlocked. I think that’s a really bad idea. People just walk right in as soon as she yells “it’s open.” God forbid I get her address.
  • Ok Heidi, we get it. You and Steve Sanders are living with each other for the first time. You’re learning things. You don’t have to say things like, “wow you put the toilet seat down.” Just because you read it on a Hallmark card doesn’t mean it’s automatically funny.
  • STOP THE PRESS! Lisa Loveless you sweet and sexy son-of-a-bitch. You’re back! You’re back in my life and I’m never gonna let you go again. Look at you, will ya?! Is that newly highlighted stringy hair you have there? Similar to the kids from Making the Band, you came back this season rocking the new look and letting your new fans how well you’re been doing. Welcome back Loveless, welcome back.
  • Note to self: employees at Teen Vogue….not so hot.
  • I f’n LOVE how scripted this shit it. Heidi walks into work and her new “assistant” says stereotypical things like “you have some new messages.” However my favorite part would have to be when Heidi gives her assistant specific instructions on which calls will always get through to her. Those 3 people would be, Steve Sanders, Jenn Bunney, and Brent. No joke.
  • What the F is Elodie looking at? Stop lurking Heidi’s office. You didn’t get the job.
  • Bonus points for Whitney taking a picture the correct way. My money was on her making the flash go off in her face.
  • Lauren and Whitney talk about actual work for 2.5 seconds and then get right back into talking about the drama in their lives. When Lauren tells Whitney that Audrina spent the weekend with Justin Bobby, Whitney says she didn’t know they were “back on” but tries to say that with “air quotes.” It doesn’t work too well for Whitney because she doesn’t give air quotes as much as it looks like she’s tickling the underneath of a dog…and you totally know she’s into that.
  • Hey Whitney, when Lauren answers the phone and says “hi Jason” you don’t have to ask her if that was Jason when she hangs up. The “hi Jason” pretty much answers the question for you.
  • Sweet! Heidi is back in the office and is dressing like Angela Bower walking into the Bower Agency on Madison Ave.
  • Steve Sanders calls and enters my favorite Scripted Moment of the Episode. He actually says, “Hey beautiful, how are things going with the new job? I was thinking we’d go to this new place Ketchup to celebrate the big promotion.” Awesome. Nice use of buzzwords. Funny, Lauren and Jason are going to be at Ketchup and only them and the producers knew that. Odd how you end up going too.
  • I think it’s really nice that Lauren drinks in front of recovering alcoholic Jason. Sure it’s not the biggest deal, but he literally got out of rehab the day before. Nice work Lauren.
  • Steve Sanders and Heidi then tell horrible jokes of why Jason and Lauren are together, such as she picked him up from jail and she picked him up from rehab. Oh you two!
  • Heidi then goes on to say, “Maybe they’re back in the movie making action.” What the F does that mean? Do you mean “movie making business?” What the hell is “movie making action?” If you mean that you’re a douche bag, then I totally get it.
  • After Steve Sanders and Heidi send over drinks to LC and Jason and they send them back Lauren and Jason decide to take their toys and go home. All in a days work.
  • Bonus points for Elodie putting Heidi in her place by telling her that she doesn’t have any friends any more and “it’s so sad.” She finishes the conversation by yelling out a manly “see ya.” However, I will take some bonus points away, as clearly this was the crafty editing of MTV. Elodie was probably really like “I love you Heidi, you’re the best boss ever. It’s so sad when it rains. Let’s hang out tonight. See ya then!” And then MTV edited it into what was shown. Just a guess.

Next weeks crapisode should be good because Lisa Loveless is back again. Yeah!

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The Hills: When Douches Collide
The Hills Recap

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