It’s a spooktacular episode of The Hills when Lauren and Audrina are having a ghostly Halloween party. I’m officially done with the bad Halloween jokes. Anyway, with only one episode left of the season what will happen to Heidi and Steve Sanders? If they break up who will keep Heidi’s chin? How many times will Whitney be able to answer a question by repeating the question? Will Sandy Sanders implode? Will Lo make a last minute useless appearance? Will Lisa Loveless be revealed as a robot or perhaps a fembot? Is Audrina responsible for global warming? All this and less, much much less, will be answered on this craptastic episode of The Hills (please note: these questions will not be answered). Here’s what went down on this episode, “Once a Player…” of The Hills:
- So apparently Lauren’s eye colors (yes colors) are the same as my middle school colors: Blue and yellow. Lauren tells Brody that her eyes are blue with yellow in the middle. Huh? Uh, my eyes are blue with green stripes and red dotted lines around the pupil.
- When Whitney and Lauren are talking in work Whitney spends the beginning of the conversation by only providing short-sounds as responses such as “woo-hoo,” and “mmmm,” followed by the occasional “hmmm mmmm” and “ooooooo.” Looks like someone is affected by the writers strike after all.
- What’s with these people using the word “action” after certain statements? We all remember Heidi saying, “Maybe they’re back in the movie making action.” Now Whitney asks Lauren is she and Brody are going to “do some couple costume action.” Kill yourself. Actually, kill me first.
- Sandy Sanders is over at the set of Heidi’s apartment and listening to Heidi talk about her pre-wedding jitters. The conversation is pointless, yet I’m noticing how much larger Sandy Sanders is compared to Heidi. Her head is f’n huge. Heidi looks like a little pinhead compared to Sandy Sanders. Ho-ho-ho Green Giant!
- Thank Christ! The Halloween party. Apparently Audrina is dressed up as Madonna, but is wearing a Dolly Parton wig. Awww cute, even her teeth dressed up as glow in the dark Chicklets….I guess.
- I believe Lauren is dressed up as….errr….uhhh…..a Chinese Gothic Betty Boop flapper? Either that or she’s Margaret Cho. I can’t seem to figure it out. Regardless, Lauren should never have her hair short and/or black.
- Brody and Frankie are dressed as Batman and Robin and Whitney (who already seems trashed) says they look more like Sigfried and Roy. She cracks up at her own joke and I admire her for that. Good one Whitney. Also, great lady bug costume Whitney. My 1 year old niece was a lady bug for Halloween too. Thanks for whoring up her costume, trash.
- Hahah seriously, Whitney looks trashed. Awesome.
- Oh my God. For all that is pure and holy in this world! Audrina has a sister, Casey, who is at the party! They have the SAME teeth! Either that or she’s dressed up as Audrina and her teeth. They need to file those things down a few inches. They look like to drunk beavers. Ha, beavers.
- Jenn Bunney is retarded.
- Audrina’s new boyfriend, Cory, is from Australia and Brody seems psyched about that.
- Did anyone notice that when Lauren hugged Brody goodbye he looked down at his Batman tights and said, “whoa, I’m getting a little excited.” Way to smut it up, MTV.
- While there were no other races at the Halloween party, when Steve Sanders and Sandy Sander (the Sanders) went to pick up the “Heidi Montag Save the Date” cards at the store that had a sign in the window that said “Free Free Paper” the lady working the desk was Asian! Ding ding ding! Looks like The Hills filled their “other race” quota for the day. This lady is brilliant too. After Steve Sanders says he’s there to pick up the cards she smiles and says “you’re getting married.” Brilliant. Now strap a camera around your neck and go crash your car into something. There, I said it.
- Sandy lets the scripted cat of the scripted bag and tells Steve that Heidi may not want to get married at all. Steve decides not to pick up the save the date cards, that probably weren’t ordered anyway, and leaves the store. Oh no, don’t tell me these two won’t be getting married.
- Was it weird that Steve Sanders checked out his sisters ass as she left the store? Perverts.
- Lauren and Lo are out at dinner and I’m just glad that Lo is back. Seriously what’s up with the lighting on The Hills? The lighting is going right up Lo’s nose and she’s looking kinda like a piglet. I can see so far up her nose that I think I actually can see where her old nose is hiding.
- What’s with Audrina’s blue Mary Tyler Moore hat? I was waiting for her to throw it up in the air and freeze.
- And cue Steve Sanders sitting on the couch and pretending to read a book. He’s actually just flipping the pages. He may be confused that it’s not a popup book.
- I could recap this scene, but it’s the same scene that we all saw 374 times in the commercial all week.
- I will, however, comment on Steve Sanders mocking Heidi. He almost had it down to an exact impersonation, but he just need to push his chin out more.
- Lauren and Brody are at a dumb and boring dinner and she goes through his cell phone. He has nicknames for the girls in his cell phone such as, “Wanna Bang,” “Canada Whore,” and “Blond Whore.” You know those girls are watching right now and are so psyched it’s them. Yup that’s it.
This episode sucked. I may have to vote it the worst of the season. On next weeks season finale Whitney gets offered to go to Paris by Lisa Loveless, Heidi “says” she’s going home to Colorado (probably to bang her horse), and Lauren and Brody try to figure out their scripted relationship. I can’t believe the season ends next week. I’m f’d. What will I write about on Tuesday’s?!?! Don’t leave me!!!
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The Hills: Lauren’s Halloween Party