The Hills: Heidi and Lauren Fight and IM?

So a tell-tale sign of when Heidi is “acting” is when she tilts her head to the side a bit and squints her eyes like she’s 50 and trying to read the newspaper. Anyway, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Lauren and Heidi meet up and fight it out like white-trash ho’s on the Jerry Springer Show. We’ve seen the commercial about 3,581 times so we know how it’s going to go down, but I’m just wondering if they really thought we would buy that IM scene? So you’re trying to tell me that Heidi’s IM screen-name really is Really? So here’s how this crapisode, Forgive and Forget, went down:
  • Why is Kimberly trying to be the new Elodie? She’ll never compare. It’s great that Heidi has a new “friend” to go to the Declare Yourself party, although I am shocked that she isn’t bringing Steve Sanders.
  • Nice try Lauren, but you have a microphone on which means even when we can’t see you we can still hear you. Whitney and Lauren are walking into the party talking about how Lisa Loveless told them to have a good time. Cut to the next scene where you hear Lauren say, “that chick that was in The Devil Wears Prada.” Yeah we know what you’re talking about Lauren. Leave Lisa Loveless alone. LEAVE HER ALONE YOU BASTARD!
  • Ok can everyone stop referring to this as an “event.” This event is the first event where we didn’t have to work. Who will be at this event. This event looks amazing. We get it, it’s an event. Damn the effects of the Writers Strike. Damn it!
  • My favorite scripted moment of the episode (besides the entire thing) is where Lauren and Whitney walk out to get a table and at the same time Heidi and Kimberly are walking in. They miss each other by like 2 seconds. Actually, I’m wrong. They miss each other by 2 scripted seconds. That’s better.
  • Seeing Audrina in a helmet is like seeing a baby smile. It’s just natural.
  • How come nobody will say exactly what Audrina’s new promotion is. I know she was a receptionist before, but now she’s just saying she’s “more involved.” Really? Is that your title. Add that to you business cards. She’s all psyched she has a cubical to sit in now. Great. Cubicles suck. Let’s put it this way, you’re famous, on TV, make like $25,000 an episode, and now you’re in a cubical. That’s about 740 steps down. Congrats on being “more involved” though. Damn the Writers Strike for not thinking up a real title for you Audrina. Damn them!
  • Justin Bobby looks like he leaves a ring around the bathtub.
  • Sly Heidi. We saw you look right into the camera when Whitney and Lauren were sitting at the table. Smooth.
  • Stop. Halt. Stop everything. What in the holy hell does Heidi mean when she says to Kimberly, “Remember that girl I told you about, she’s right over there.” Wait, what? Is Kimberly deaf and blind? All Heidi needed to say was, “Lauren is over there. You know Lauren. We’re on this show called “The Hills” and are on every magazine cover for the past 2 years. Our fight made international news and there is a camera crew filming her and us right now. Are you familiar?”
  • Way to make it better, Whitney, by telling Lauren how horrible this is for her. Great friend.
  • I love how they keep talking about the sex tape. While the fight between Heidi and Lauren is a bit uneventful (mainly because we saw all of it in the commercials throughout the week) I do think it’s great how they keep using lighting that seems to give Lauren all wrinkles under her eyes. Heidi may seem like the asshole, but Lauren kinda is looking like one.
  • Bonus points, however, for The Hills not waiting to show this fight in the last 5 seconds of the show.
  • Wow! Audrina’s teeth really seem to pop with the grey wall behind her. Technically her teeth are whiter than the couch cushions.
  • Audrina is working with Sean Kingston because, apparently, answering phones for 2 years makes you qualified to help develop an artist. This is boring me.
  • Stop. Wait. Stop everything. Why are they playing the music from “America’s Next Top Model.” They totally are. The scene directly after Audrina is talking to her co-worker about when she can see Justin Bobby, they then play the music from America’s Next Top Model when the girl gets eliminated and they show her picture disappearing. How do I know this? MTV plays marathon episodes of ANTM about 5 days a week.
  • Ok so, what time do interns normally start the day? 9am? 8am? 8:30am? Well not Lauren. She starts her day at 5:34 PM. She comes in and sits down at her “computer” and gets an IM from Heidi which is timestamped 5:34 PM. Does Lauren do any work at all? And whose IM looks like that? Where’s her little Wee-person?
  • Whitney shut the F up and be patient. She’s asking Lauren every 2 seconds what’s going on. Relax. Jeesh. Read the script Whitney, that should fill you in.
  • What does Whitney mean she “just wants to help?” What is she going to help with? Help type for Lauren?
  • And cue Steve Sanders sitting on the couch, per usual.
  • Hey creepy, stop reading your girlfriends instant messages and get a job.
  • Steve Sanders did not blink once during his scene.
  • Is Heidi going on a date with Lauren? Why is she bringing her flowers?
  • Nice of Lauren to take the flowers and toss them on the counter. Way to be an adult.
  • Ouch. Awkward small talk. I’m embarrassed.
  • Why does Lauren keep blaming Spencer for the sex tape? I don’t think Heidi is lying…technically. Spencer didn’t start the sex-tape rumor. Steve Sanders started the sex tape rumor. See how that works? You’re welcome Heidi.
  • What the hell is Lauren talking about? Uh-oh her voice is turning into that loud and high-pitched squeak again. This is the same as the last time Lauren and Heidi fought on their couch. Now we just need Lauren to declare something pointless.
  • Oh, there it is. Lauren says, “Sometimes when you love people you want to believe they’re good.” Yes Lauren that’s how it works. Thanks for stating the obvious. Damn the Writers Strike. Damn it!
  • Wait, there’s another one. Lauren says, “Sometimes when you do something or don’t do something, it’s just as bad.” Huh? Are you just pulling these sayings out of fortune cookies or something? No wonder why Heidi can’t really respond. She probably thinks you’re having a stroke.
  • Nice! Almost fake tears.
  • Forgive and forget. I want to figure you and I want to forget you. Nice Lauren. I want to forgive myself and I want to forget myself for watching this crap.
  • Heidi leaves, but makes sure to compliment Lauren on her apartment and wishes her a great life. I hope this show never ends. I hope it outlives me.

Next week on The Hills, Heidi and Steve Sanders go look at a church for their wedding that won’t burst into flames when they walk in and Steve Sanders want to go to Vegas to get married, which Heidi doesn’t want to do and she puts her $11.00 ring on the table. Oh, and Whitney practices punching into the wind. Should be a good show.

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The Hills: Heidi and Lauren Fight and IM?

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