The Hills Goes to New York

Time for another special episode of The Hills. Will Whitney find a way to whore up her “business presentation?” Will Brody and Steve Sanders rekindle their friendship? Will Lisa Loveless go skinny dipping with Heidi’s mom and horse? All these and more shall be answered. Here’s how this crapisode, “Stress and the City” went down:
  • Whitney has chosen a church as the location for this god-for-saken Young Hollywood fashion show. Lisa Loveless’ combover is looking especially hot tonight. Plus, Lisa is wearing her sunglasses in the church as if Jesus spots her he will naturally strike her dead.
  • When Lisa Loveless smiles I wait for bugs to crawl out from her teeth. Me gusta Lisa Loveless.
  • Uh, what in the Christ is Whitney wearing to the meeting with Lisa Loveless and Lauren? It’s the cross between a bed sheet and a skirt. Is this really what people wear to work?
  • It’s great that Lisa still looks at Lauren like she’s a complete idiot. Point taken.
  • Yeah, can Whitney stop interrupting Lisa by tossing in buzzwords? Rude.
  • Whitney and Lauren are carting their asses to NYC (see you soon) and Lisa’s advice to them, “Come back successfully and quickly.” Uh, ok. Wait, huh? They’re not running an errand to the corner store for you, they’re flying across the country. Not quite sure how “quickly” they can make it back. Regardless, bonus points for Lisa showing some arm in her outfit. Loveless arm. Priceless.
  • Does Whitney have abnormally small hands?
  • Alright alright! Steve Sanders is heading back to, AGAIN, Bolthouse to stalk Heidi. Wait, what is this I see? Well will ya look at that! Frankie just happens to be walking out of Bolthouse as Steve Sanders is walking in. What are the odds of that? Well, since it’s scripted, the odds are very good.
  • What the hell happens at Bolthouse anyway? It seems like people just walk in and out of that place and somehow get paid. Where do I sign up? I would like to recap The Hills right from Brent Bolthouse’s office, assuming his computer is a real computer and not one of those cardboard ones that they have in furniture stores.
  • Does Steve Sanders have a crush on Brody? He tells Frankie that he was Brody’s loyal friend for years. He defended him. He fought for him. Really? Did he just say that? I immediately think of the song from Robin Hood. “I would fight for you, I’d lie for you, walk the wire for you, ya I’d die for you. You know it’s true, everything I do, I do it for you.”
  • Ok thanks Frankie. Now go and “spend your money.” Your character this season is extremely useless and not needed. Hope to see next episode.
  • Lauren and Whitney have arrived in NYC for their big business meeting and I believe that Whitney’s boobs are falling out of her dress. Yup, they are.
  • Best quote of the episode, perhaps, is when they’re waiting to meet their Teen Vogue person and Lauren asks Whitney if she practiced her presentation and Whitney replies, “Um, no not really.” Award winning. Way to be a real go-getter Whitney!
  • Amy Astley looks like she’s wearing a wig.
  • Lauren is looking hot as hell in her dress and looks like someone grew herself a little bit of an ass. It’s fitting that they play J Lo’s “Doin’ It Well” as Lauren walks out of the office.
  • Ha, so Lauren is racing off to Marc Jacobs and actually runs into the taxi and says, “72 Spring Street and I’m in a hurry.” Really? Who says that unless you’re in a 1950’s black-and-white movie!? 72 Spring Street and step on it! Follow that taxi!
  • So Lauren’s job for the day is to help dress the models and put bow-ties on them or something. Do you think it’s kind of ridiculous that she has to do this when she’s kinda making $25,000 an episode filming “The Hills?”
  • Oh God. Whitney blew the meeting. Whitney is kind of giving her presentation in a prom dress.
  • Although, Whitney is a bit of a trooper when they nix all of her plans, basically. When Amy asks Whitney exactly where those flowers are going I would have simply replied, “I don’t know Amy, up your ass?”
  • Second best quote of the episode from Lauren after getting to meet Marc Jacobs, “I’m going to give Lisa Love a hug and then run away because I’m afraid what she’ll do to me.” Awesome. She’ll hug you back Lauren. She’ll run her hands down your back and get very inappropriate. Basically, she’ll make you a woman. Good luck with that.
  • Are you kidding me with this? Steve Sanders calls Brody and leaves him a message. That’s all that happens. Yeah, we saw that in the commercial 3,000 times during the week. We were looking for a little more than that.
  • Brody goes over to the set of Lauren’s apartment and they talk up Steve Sanders. Boring.

Next week we get to see more of Lisa Loveless and Heidi’s 21st birthday. Strange how Heidi has been on camera drinking for about 3 years now.

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The Hills Goes to New York

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