The Hills Finale: Paris Palooza

Well, it is finally here…the season finale of The Hills. Lets take a moment of silence and repent from our Hills sins throughout the season. While reading this recap it may help to play Kenny Rogers’ “Through the Years” in the background. I got to see a few minutes of the pre-show. Is it just me or is Lauren the worst interviewee ever? She doesn’t have an answer prepared for anything. She should practice that shit in the mirror, no? So what exactly went down in this crapisode, “When One Door Closes….” of The Hills? Here’s how it went down:

  • Let’s face it, starting an episode off with Lisa Loveless can only mean this will be a grrrrreat episode. I’m not sure who this Kimball (??) character is, but he looks like that tool that hosts The Hills Aftershow. Do thick black eyeglasses make people more interesting? I’ll Google it.
  • So how cold is Lisa Loveless’ office? I mean, Kimball (??) has on about as many layers of clothes as Ralphie’s brother from “A Christmas Story.” I see a t-shirt, a blue collared shirt, a tweed vest, a tie, and a sweater. I’d assume he’s wearing pants, but he is in Lisa Loveless’ office and she may have alternative rules.
  • Anyway, Whitney is going to Paris, but we knew that since the preview from last week.
  • Whitney is a good friend and asks if Lauren gets to go too. Sure, Whitney, bring your friends, why not!? Lisa says that Lauren already had her chance to go to Paris. I then assume that Lisa’s heart officially turned black and then disappeared. You’re a mean one, Mrs. Grinch.
  • Heidi starts to fill in Kimberly (the pointless co-worker) about every detail of the Heidi/Steve Sanders fight that took place last week. Um, I think Kimberly just said, “hey Heidi, what’s up.” She was just being polite. No need to fill her in. Leave the recapping up to me.
  • Heidi says she feels like she’s in a relationship with a 5-year old, which I believe technically makes her a pedophile. Someone call Chris Hanson from Dateline: To Catch a Predator.
  • Uh-oh, Whitney tells Lauren she’s going to Paris again. Lauren looks pissed. More importantly, what “ball” is Whitney going to? I had to rewind this 10 times. Is she calling it “The Korean Ball?” At one point I think she said “The Crayon Ball” and then it kinda sounded like “The Crayola Ball.” Tough call.
  • Why is Lauren freaked out like this is her only chance to go to Paris. Maybe the $25,000 she gets paid an episode will cover the cost of her flight. I mean, flights are expensive, but it should cover the cost. She is a poor intern though….
  • Awesome! Steve Sanders is literally sulking at a table by himself. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone sulk since 1st grade when my friend had to stay in during recess because he was sick.
  • Now are Steve Sanders and Sandy Sanders technically on a date? Because it looks like they are. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife. Gross. Sandy Sanders gives Steve Sanders some advice on how to deal with Heidi that includes sending her an email. Brilliant idea. I recently have been the recipient of an “adios” email and let me tell you something, Sandy “the slut-bag” Sanders, it doesn’t feel too good. Be an adult, you whore, and say it in person. Trash-bag.
  • Ok, and cue Lauren doing arts-and-crafts in her apartment. I think Lauren just told Audrina it was a Korean Ball in Paris. Audrina’s part in this episode, thus far, is pointless.
  • When Steve Sanders drops by Heidi’s “office” or the set of Heidi’s office and Kimberly (pointless co-worker) tells him that Heidi left for the day, I think that Steve was going to clock Kimberly right in the face. No? It’s fine, she could use some teeth work.
  • Whitney is making a list what to bring to Paris and apparently she thinks she goes to Antarctica because her list consists of “lots of coats, lots of hats, and lots of gloves.” Whitney rubs it in by asking Lauren if she’s ever been to Paris.
  • Thank you JESUS! Lisa Loveless is speaking French on the phone. It could be German for all I know. Regardless it is hysterical. I bet she’s saying “This shit is scripted, pass it on!”
  • What a surprise, Lauren gets to go to Paris. Lisa is doing like a full comedy routine by telling Lauren that Whitney will make sure she gets on the plane this time. Oh Lisa! Cut-it-out!
  • Stop the press. STOP the mother f’n press! Lisa Loveless was a teenage runaway! Thank you God, thank you! Lisa Loveless ran away from home when she was 15 so she could go to Paris (update: we find out on the Aftershow that Lisa Loveless had to sell her snake-skin boots in order to have enough money to run away to Paris). Lisa needs her own show. Done and done. Go go lucky!
  • Lauren and Brody go for dinner. These two are so boring, I refuse to recap. I couldn’t care less if they end up together. If Lauren isn’t going to be with me then I have no interest in her love life.
  • Ok fine, I’ll recap that part where Lauren and Brody get racist and call the French stinky with hairy armpits. Good luck with that hate mail, retards.
  • So Heidi is packing up her crap. She’s packing up her crap in the living room because that is typically where I pack. Forget the bedroom. Heidi is heading off to Colorado for a little while so she can probably bang her horse and get the beating of her life from her father.
  • The wedding is postponed. Heidi must be sticking a pin in her leg because her eyes are filling up.
  • Lauren is packing 3,452 pairs of shoes with her. She and Audrina practice French words while Lauren packs. Good luck with the Lauren, just ask the camera crew that will be following you for help. What is the point of Audrina in this episode anyway?
  • So Heidi is heading out. Lauren and Whitney are heading out to Paris and I realize that Natasha Benningfield seems to sing every song in The Hills. Well, she does and so does Maroon 5. No joke, I think they are the background songs in at least every other episode.
  • Heidi is driving on the freeway and is going about 10 miles per hour. Go speed racer go!
  • That’s it kids. End scene.

Wow another season of The Hills bites the dust. Since Lisa Loveless was in the majority of this episode, it was a real success for me. As a side note, I watched a bit of the Aftershow. Yeah, they need to change the name of that to the Shitshow. The two hosts are legit retarded. Damn their success! Alright kids well once they start showing the Paris trip I will be back to recap the absolute piss out of it. Until then….don’t be strangers. Please continue to find innovative ways for me to sell-out! And you know what, Natasha Benningfield, I will open up the dirty window. I will reach for something in the distance. I will feel the rain on my skin. I will treat myself in words unspoken. I will live my life with eyes wide open. You’re right, the rest really still is unwritten. You are wise, Natasha, you are wise.

Hills Bless,

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The Hills Finale: Paris Palooza

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