As you know, The Hills has been hitting tilt on the “shit-0-meter” as of recent and by “recent” I mean “since season 2.” As much as I want to give Kristin Cavallari the spanking of her life and send her to my her room, she’s just not cutting it and the show is sliding down hill. However, I’m not just one to talk crap (although, I really am) and not do anything about it. Therefore, I crashed through the floor of “tool status” and have fallen to “absolute loser status” and have come up with 10 ways to Save “The Hills.” I haven’t been happier with my creativity since my Oregon Trail segments. Feel free to pass this along to all your d-bag friends and let’s all save The Hills together!
“Glills” – Everywhere I turn I see those God-awful kids from Glee. They’re on TV, iTunes, and now they have their own CD. Now nothing makes me more embarrassed than people just breaking into song. I mean as soon as I see it I start to fill out the proper paperwork to deny my citizenship. However, it seems to work for them, so why not turn The Hills into “The Glills.” Hearing Audrina and Kristin sing their mashup of “Ebony and Ivory” mixed with “Smack My Bitch Up” could turn into award winning television.
2. “Kelly Cutrone Plus 8” – Let’s face it, nothing was better than when Kelly Cutrone was spewing out one-liners during her stint on The Hills. It was simpler times. Happier times. Good times. Obviously the world is over Jon and Kate Plus 8, but I don’t think the world is ready for “Kelly Cutrone Plus 8.” I mean, I’m ready for it, but I’m about 2 more stalker incidents away from a mandatory mental institution stay. Just think, we’ll get to see Kelly changing diapers, dressing the babies all in black, and looking even less rested than she already does. This is a win-win for all of America (and New Mexico).
3. “Justin Bobby Helmet Cam” – I’d like to get a firsthand perspective of The Hills from Justin Bobby’s point-of-view. I’m sure this will include 90% shots of Audrina’s rack, but the other 10% could be interesting too. I’m sure this would include shots of cue-cards, eating out of the dumpster, script table-reads, and the complete and official process of selling your soul to the devil in order to be on television.
4. “Holly Montag in ‘Alcoholic Activity'” – Perhaps my personal favorite, let’s have Holly Montag haunt the absolute piss out of people. Maybe she can start with that little brat, Enzo, who lives next door to Heidi and Spencer and then finish up with LOser. I mean, the low-budget movie “Paranormal Activity” was such a huge hit that it only makes sense for the shows drunk to take part as well. Just be careful because the next time you drink alone you just may get visited from the Ghost of Holly Montag. Expect a 3am drunken-dance-off.
5. “Audrina Opens Tuna Cans” – Ok, so just go with me on this one. For the last 15 minutes of each episode of The Hills we simply watch Audrina open up cans of tuna with her teeth. I’d watch it. Hell, I’d watch it for 30 minutes, but I’m a strange bastard. Alright so maybe we can compromise. 15 minutes of Audrina opening cans of tuna with her teef and 15 minutes of Audrina looking up at the clouds. Deal!
6. “Spencer Pratt and Steve Sanders as Conjoined Twins” – I’ve been calling Spencer Pratt “Steve Sanders” since season 2, so I think it only makes sense that we turn him and the actual Steve Sanders into actual conjoined twins. What a treat it will be to see them both show up to the Peach Pit and STK all in the same night. Obviously we will conjoin them at the brain because, that makes the most sense, and it was the easiest to do in Photoshop (in which my skills have been greatly improving).
7. “Lauren Conrad on Oprah’s Book Club” – Everybody is getting a copy of LA Cannnnnnnnddddy! You get a copy and you get a copy and you get a copy and you get a copy! Everybody gets a coooooopppppppy! Seriously, Oprah could make child molesters and kicking puppies popular so maybe if Oprah can just name Lauren Conrad’s book “LA Candy” to her choice for the book club then somehow more people will tune in. Sure LC isn’t on the show anymore, but perhaps if she could agree to 5 minute puppet shows we could really see a ratings increase. Lauren Connnnnnnraddddd!
8. “Stephanie Pratt’s Drunken Bumper Cars” – Ok so this is an easy win. Stephanie Pratt gets trashed and then is placed into a bumper car that she is forced to ride up and down Sunset Boulevard. The bumper car, of course, is equipped with a keg and a beer funnel so that Steph can continue to take the party “on the go.” If she hits someone it’s ok because it’s just a little bumper bruise. Sold!
9. “Heidi Montag’s Dance Your Nose/Chin/Boobs Off” – Oxygen’s hit show “Dance Your Ass Off” is yesterdays news. Watching overweight people dance in order to shed the pounds has been done over and over again. However, I’d watch Heidi Montag try to dance her new nose, chin, and boobs off in every single episode. Sure it makes The Hills more like “Sabado Gigante” but someone tell me why that’s a bad thing?
10. “Aziz Ansari Joins the Cast of The Hills” – If you’ve been watching television lately you’ll notice that everyone is adding Indian characters to their cast. Feel free to thank Slumdog Millionaire. If you’ve ever watched any episode of The Hills you’ll notice that everyone is white (you’ll also notice everyone is 75% teeth, but that’s another story for another time). Therefore, let’s finally diversify the cast and add Aziz Ansari from “Parks and Recreation” to the cast. He can play the more interesting Frankie Delgado.
Well folks I really feel like I’ve helped to breathe some new life into The Hills. Hopefully MTV will take my suggestions into account and we’ll see some of these ideas incorporated into the show. Now spread the word and let’s make this happen!