The Hills: The One Where IBBB Recapped It Late

Like a 17 year old cheerleader who thinks she may be pregnant since she missed her period, this recap is better late than never.

As you know I was in LA for almost a week hunting down Lohan. No luck with that. I did, however, score a one-on-one interview with Chelsea Handler, which I will have ready for you all to read next week. You’re welcome. Ok, so before I go into this Hills recap I do have a funny Hills related story to tell. I met up with my friend Lauren whilst out in LA and one night when we were out some French dude was hitting on her and asked for her number, which she gave to him. She told me he was from Paris….and that she wasn’t going to call him… which I replied, “Lauren, you don’t want to be known as the girl who never went to Paris.” Seriously, after about 15 beers that joke was shit-your-pants funny. It’s like the Hills gods set me up with that one. Oh, and my buddy Doug was with me so the whole time we called him “DouK.” I am officially, a loser.

Anyscript, here’s what went down on the last crapisode of “The Hills.”

  • So like every crapisode seems to start, Whitney and Lauren CockRing are talking at “work.” LC allows Whitney to talk about herself for about 11 seconds and then the conversation turns back to LC (like it ever really left) and DouK. Since Lauren is walking misery she is not so into her fauxlationship with DouK and, for some reason, asks Whitney for advice. Um, jackpot! Whitney’s advice consists of asking LC what she is thinkinK and she says she should tell DouK that she really really likes him and it’s not him it’s just timinK. Yeah, that outta work. Uh, if you’re going to break up with someone perhaps you shouldn’t tell them you “really really like them.” Just a thought. Oh, and if LC follows Whitney’s advice, poor DouK is going to need an English translation decoder to figure out what the hell LC is talkinK about.
  • What’s with the Martha Washington matching haircuts with LC and Sandy Sanders? The part down the middle looks like white-trash crap….kinda like they brushed their hair with rusty battery operated drills.
  • Sweet, Whitney is in NYC and Kelly CUNTrone asks her what took her so long to get there. Whitney claims she came right from the airport, but I’m not convinced that she didn’t fly into the wrong city. Just a thought. Also, Kelly looks like she sleeps in a wooden casket and she sounds like a diddler telling Whitney to take the boys shirts off. She’s like a ghost diddler. She’s “The Ghost Diddler.” Coming this Fall, Friday nights at 8, only on CBS.
  • Kelly CUNTrone walks like her balls are sticking to her legs. I mean, I always assumed they did, but I’m pretty sure this is proof.
  • Whitney is doinK a lot of heavy breathing in this episode. Perhaps she’s in heat. If she starts dry-humping the steam machine I guess we’ll have our answer.
  • Oh that Kelly has such a sharp tongue. When she asks the “model” Alex where he’s from he says “California” to which The Ghost Diddler responds, “That’s a state…what city.” She is shooting all the sass with her sassoka.
  • Kelly is hot sex on a plate. I like it especially when he sticks out her dried up tongue and says, “This is called multi-tasking in the power-bitch world.” It’s nice she’s tryinK to set up Whitney. It’s almost like when The Grinch’s heart grew 3-times the size. I’m starting to fall hard for The Ghost Diddler.
  • Oh yeah I forgot that Steve Sanders and Heidi were in this show. Anyone notice how they’re hardly in it this season? WAIT A MINUTE….they’re talking about Heidi’s sister and Heidi said they were all like “Three’s Company.” That was my line from that episode! Traitors!
  • Gross, Steve Sanders tells Heidi it’s time to go home and cuddle in bed. It’s like the 1950’s all over again. These two are a complete snooze.
  • Speaking of snoozes, LC and Brody are out for dinner. Yawn. Looks like Brody set his hair in rollers the night before and then had a blow out this morning at the beauty parlor with Midge, Pearl, Honey, and the rest of the girls from Bingo on Monday’s.
  • I HATE LC’s “baby girl” voice. She flips between that baby girl voice and that deep cracky voice. She’s a complete shame. Nice friendship bands, by the way. Buddy-Bands were cool on that episode of Saved By the Bell, but that’s about it.
  • Whitney and Alex are meeting up at the SoHo Hotel and The Ghost Diddler bagged the plans so now it’s just a “date” with Whitney and Alex. I’m sure that wasn’t planned at all. I’m gonna say it. I like Whitney. There. It’s out there and I can never take it back.
  • Ok so LC stops by Sandy Sanders apartment for what I like to call “The Pointless Part of the Episode.” Sandy Sanders says she wants to have some “kickbacks” at her apartment “high school style.” Yeah, I think LC is already having her “kickbacks” with her buddy bands, her name ring, and her parted hair. LC has officially “kick-backed” to 1994.
  • Sandy Sanders starts talking about how she’s lonely and is now talking to her “hamster.” At this point I can only assume she means her “gentlemen greeter.” And by “talking” I’m sure she’s using a special microphone too….if ya know what I mean…and I think ya do….cuz I’m 12.
  • Whitney and Alex’s date consists of walking around the block. Hey sweetie, you’re in NYC you may not want to hold your purse like you’re ready to hand it off to the muggers. At least make them work for it. The date ends with Alex hugging Whitney kinda like he can “catch stupid.”
  • Whitney is back to LA filling in LC on her “date” and Lauren is doing that terrible baby girl voice again and smiling with her tongue out. Worst ever.
  • Speaking of “the worst” LC decides to go over to DouK’s house to dump him on national television. I’m sure he’ll react well to that. He seems sane.
  • Sandy Sanders goes to Steve Sanders to give him a gift for some reason, which happens to be a book about the CIA and he’s psyched. Seriously, am I still jet-lagged?
  • OH SNAP! DouK is losing his SHIT! Awesome! Wow. DouK gets all super defensive and then tries to pretend it’s cool….no big deal. I’m sure it set in that Lauren is dumping him on national television. She is a whorish whore for doing that. What a douche. Now I’m pissed. She is so miserable. Like Jennifer Aniston, Lauren will die alone.
  • Seriously if I were DouK I would start a rumor about her. Maybe something about her hamster. Or some type of “ass smell.” I’d need time on how to destroy her, but I would.

Sweet, The Hills is on Sunday too? Great. When will they stop controlling my mind?

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