The Hills: Stephanie’s Birthday Looked Like It Sucked. Just Sayin.

Bad news guys. I didn’t get to watch The Hills last night because I ended up watching the Democratic National Convention. Psych! Just kidding. I don’t care who wins President as long as they don’t take The Hills off the air….because that’s what I assume President’s are responsible for. I’m not even sure who’s running. Ronald Reagan? Probably. Anyhills, so what will go down at Sandy Sanders birthday party? Will LOser continue to allow America to view her as a complete douche for under $50K an episode? Will Whitney go back to adding K’s to the end of words that end with “ing?” Will Audrina’s boobs combust in the LA heat? Will Lauren acknowledge that there’s a camera crew following her around? All this and much much much less for this weeks Hills crapisode recap! Here’s what went down in the, Drama Follows Them, crapisode.
  • Wow Sandy Sanders and LC are in basically every class together. This time around they are both taking “Market Research.” Yikes sounds difficult especially when the “professor,” who is probably really the boom mic operator, says to them “Take out your magazines.” I guess that’s a good way to help settle down the students before they start nap time. P.S Lauren’s ring that has her name across her hand wasn’t cool in 1989 and it’s not cool now.
  • Sandy Sanders tries to tell Lauren that she hasn’t spoken with Steve Sanders and Heidi in weeks and that drama follows them, to which LC replies that drama doesn’t follow them as much as they chase it. They’re both wrong. Camera crews follow them and they do, in turn, chase camera crews. There’s a difference.
  • So Doug is the new Whitney. When he pulls out Lauren’s chair at the restaurant he literally says, “This is you” and then he makes her sit there. Yeah how’s that cave you’re living in, Doug…or DouK as Whitney would say. He’s like, “Me DouK. We at restaurant. You Lauren. This is you. You sit here. I douche.”
  • HOLY CRAP. TIVO ALERT! I’m not kidding at all about this (ok well maybe a little). DouK wants to hang out with Lauren for the rest of the day, but she says she can’t because she has to “work” to which he replies “take it off” and while she starts to say she can’t, I swear to God…I SWEAR TO GOD I’m pretty sure he just blurts out, “I’m gonna take my cock off.” Seriously, rewind it. I did, about 15 times and each time I’m pretty sure he either said, “I’m gonna take my cock off” or “I’m gonna take my cock out.” Brilliant.
  • So let’s take a minute to discuss “Chiara” Audrina’s co-worker. I actually want to say that I think she really does work at Epic. To me, she’s like the shit-bum sister of Whitney or something. Now what road-kill-animal-carcass does Chiara have on her head? Is that possum or beaver? Haha beaver. You think someone would have told her not to go for the Alanis Morrisette haircut since it’s no longer 1993. Too bad the Hills props department couldn’t put a party hat on her or something. Instead, we’ll just have to settle for her Walgreens $14.99 Halloween Fright Wig.
  • Audrina and Chiara discuss actual work for 14 seconds and say such business buzzwords as “mastered” and “recorded” and then switch right over to discussions about Audrina’s life. Chiara tells Audrina that she’ll kick LOser’s ass. First off, I believe it. Second, I start to ponder the fact that all co-workers on The Hills seem to have jacked up bangs. Chiara has them and so goes Heidi’s fauxsistant Emily. That’s all.
  • Ding Ding Ding! We have ourselves a winner. While LC and Whitey are supposed to be working they are talking about Stephanie’s horrific birthday party to which Whitney responds, “Are Spencer and Heidi cominK?” Sweet! If I were Lauren I would have totally messed with her and kept saying, “What? Are they what? What do you mean? What’s cominK mean?” Then I would have walked outside and kicked an orphan on the street because I’m a badass. Sidenote: aren’t they supposed to be wearing all black at Pubic Revolution? Whitney’s wearing my Nana’s Sunday church dress.
  • Seriously, when I get to LA this week I’m burning down Don Antonio’s. Gross, Steve Sanders and Heidi are talking baby talk about chicken tacos. I’m this close to changing the channel to the Democratic National Convention. This close! These two crack-asses are still talking about never talking to Sandy Sanders again if she invites LC to her birthday party…blah blah blah….she’s rolling with that crew….blah blah blah….where are your loyalties….blah blah blah….these lights in this shit-bag restaurant make my beady eyes look creepier….blah blah blah these same lights really make Heidi’s lips glow…blah blah blah commercial break.
  • Can I say that I’m shocked that LOser can actually see her reflection in the bathroom mirror?
  • Uh-oh! The Hills editing machine is in overdrive. Seriously, at this point peoples facial expressions and looks aren’t even matching up with what anyone is saying or the situation. At the end LOser just looks in the bathroom mirror and shakes her head yes. You know the people in charge of editing are just like “Screw it…push it to live.”
  • Well it’s official. There will never be an occasion or place fancy enough to make Kelly CUNTrone shower, change her clothes, or wash her hair…or brush it for that matter. The work gang is at a fancy restaurant and Kelly CUNTrone looks like she just finished washing her car and then just put down the hose, got in her car, then got out of her car and decided to run to the restaurant. Yuck.
  • Yay! Jessica is back. What the hell is she all about? More importantly, what the hell is she talking about? Kelly CUNTrone is talking about something and then Jessica starts saying something and using her hands a lot. I officially am lost. Kelly CUNTrone tells Jessica to stop talking because it’s her company and Jessica should just be “pretty pretty happy happy and pitch stories.” That’s so not fair for poor Jessica. I mean how is Jessica supposed to be pretty? She can’t control that. It’s like a disability for her. She should be able to collect long-term disability for this situation. If she wears that crazy feather thing in her hair while she goes to collect her long-term disability I bet they’ll give her even more money. It’s a win-win.
  • Yowza! How’s your face full of makeup, LOser?
  • Is it bad that when LC and LOser are driving to Sandy Sanders birthday party and LC says to LOser “can’t we all just get along” I secretly wish that police officers would pull over LOser, pull her out of the car, and beat her ass like they did Rodney King? What? What’s the big deal? I’m almost certain LA wouldn’t riot after that happened.
  • Ok, so it’s time for Stephanie’s party, which looks pretty boring. Everyone shows up and hugs people. No really, that’s about it. All of a sudden DouK is BFFs with with Frankie and Brody. Clearly they’re the Three Douchekateers.
  • The editing machine must be smoking and ready to combust because LOser is talking to Audrina and Audrina is just sitting there not saying anything to her. Also, the lights are making LOser literally look like a monster. No joke. She looks like she’s 75 yrs old.
  • Hahaha right as Audrina is about to grab her coat, watch for the little dude with the hat and missing teeth right behind her. Hahaha brilliant.
  • Steve Sanders and Heidi show up “unannounced” to the party with about 50 balloons and a birthday cake because, you know, that’s what you bring to a bar. They love it especially when you bring your own food.
  • The rest of the gang actually look shocked that Steve Sanders and Heidi (and her new chin, new nose, new boobs, new lips, and fake tan) are there. Brody pitches a fit like a bitch and leaves with “I’m Not Sure What His Nationality Is, Frankie.” LOser looks like she is literally scared for her life. She asks to leave like 10 times. They all leave and while walking out DouK looks like he’s walking with a dump in his pants.
  • Ugh. The next day Steve and Sandy Sanders are having the same fight for the 15th time about her being friends with LC. I don’t know. They’re talking about jumping ships and having two ships and that’s called jumping ships. Then Steve Sanders relates their situation to Iran and Israel trying to get along. Wow, looks like all that reading on the couch last season is paying off! While Steve Sanders is going on his rant I notice that you can see Sandy Sanders fake tan marks on her wrist and bottom of her hand. That’ll be all.
  • So Kelly CUNTrone fired Jessica and gave Whitney her job. Haha. I’m sure Jessica is psyched that she was asked to appear on The Hills again for 15 seconds only to get fired. Someone get me in touch with Jessica. I want to interview her. Stat. Whitney will be bi-coastal in this new position. I’m so psyched that she’ll be swinging both ways!
  • LC and Sandy Sanders are back in class and talking about the party. Sandy is throwing Steve Sanders and Heidi under the bus, but LC isn’t having it and tells Sandy Sanders that her friends (i.e LOser) are telling her not to trust Sandy Sanders.
  • No really, that’s the end of the episode. Now can somebody clear something up for me? Did anything actually happen in this episode? I’m starting to slowly slip off The Hills bandwagon.
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