The Hills: Season 3 Finale

Oh Hills. Why have you forsaken me? What am I supposed to do now that you are over until August? I didn’t really plan on spending the summer without you. I feel my emotions of last nights episode of The Hills can best be described in song (Kenny Rogers, ‘Through the Years’):

I can’t remember when you weren’t there
When I didn’t care for anyone but you
I swear we’ve been through everything there is
Can’t imagine anything we’ve missed
Can’t imagine anything the two of us can’t do
Through the years you’ve never let me down
You turned my life around, the sweetest days I’ve found I’ve found with you
Through the years, I’ve never been afraid, I’ve loved the life we made
And I’m so glad I stayed, right here with you
Through the years!!

Ok well I feel better.

Here’s what went down on last night’s crapisode of The Hills:

  • Audrina and Justin Bobby are checking out Audrina’s possible new apartment, which I assume is a dance studio. The large space really make Audrina’s teeth pop. J Bob gives some great advice by telling Audrina that an apartment like this allows her to come home at night and go in her refrigerator. That’s always a good reason to move. J Bob is supportive and Audrina is a walking corpse…with a tan.
  • Sandy Sanders finally spills the scripted beans that scripted Heidi is in scripted Vegas for scripted work buying a scripted casino. Steve Sanders tells Sandy Sanders that Heidi has scriptedly made Steve Sanders scriptedly lose his mind. They are both following the script and heading to scripted Vegas to make a scripted ass out of Heidi whilst she’s in her scripted meeting having scripted drinks. What 21 year old who dropped out of fashion school can land a sweet job where she gets to help decide if her company should be a casino….a casino….A CASINO….is beyond me. No wonder why other countries hate our asses.
  • Speaking of asses, Heidi and crew are at the Sahara Hotel and Casino is Vegas, which if you’ve been is a shit hole. Perfect for them. Seriously, what the F is Heidi taking notes for? The dude, Sam, is giving a tour of the floor plan of the casino and is like “…and over here we’ll put the bar…” and Heidi is writing that down. What is she writing? “Bar goes in middle of casino.” This is the worst. Let me see that piece of paper. I bet it says, “Get more plastic surgery, dye hair whiter than Spencer’s beard, send carrots to my horse in Crested Butte, practice walking with my shoulders not so high.”
  • Yay! Whitney’s back! Whitney’s back wearing what I assume is a bedspread from a Boca Raton hotel from the early 80’s and she’s also back to help butcher the English language! Whitney continues to add the “K” sound at the end of every word that ends with a “G.” For example when talking about Audrina she says: How’s she doinK? She continues on by saying, “Maybe you guys are just driftinK?” Oh Whitney. It’s time to practice your letters again because you’re killinK me!
  • However, I do give Whitney bonus points for holding up a dress on a hanger and telling Lauren is reminds her of Audrina. Yes, me too. They’re both lifeless objects and blinding in color. Season Finale Bonus Points are also awarded for the “Whitney Repeat” in which she repeates back something Lauren says and adds a word or two:
    Whitney: How’s the house and being with her?
    Lauren: Honestly, I don’t see her that much.
    Whitney: How do you guys not see each other much…in the house?
  • While Sandy and Steve Sanders were driving through Vegas to find Heidi I almost fell asleep. Then I saw a family of Spanish people in the background waiting for the bus and I smiled to myself because I realized The Hills really is all about diversity. Go green!
  • I’m not following the argument between Heidi and Steve Sanders at all. I’m not even sure if they’re in the same room. They were probably photoshopped in together or some other type of “tv magic.” They’re kind of yelling at each other, but none of it’s making sense. I’m forced to notice that the lighting is making Steve Sanders eyes all beady and Heidi looks like a raccoon. I bet she has rabies. That would explain the high shoulders at least.
  • In the end, Steve just wants Heidi to go back to LA with him. I assume he wants to give her rabies treatments and also needs someone to perm his hair for the summer.
  • Brent is all “brent” out of shape and tells Heidi she needs to get this under control and that it’s no joke. Oh Brent. It’s such a joke. The whole thing is one big f’n joke. If there was an Emmy for “Biggest Joke” this would be it….but The Hills wouldn’t win because that award would have to go to Kathy Lee Gifford for her 4th hour of The Today Show. Sidenote.
  • Lo and Lauren are making dinner in their prom dresses because that’s what you do when you are 21 and live in LA. They make crab cakes in honor of Lauren’s case of crabs.
  • Audrina dissed out the girls dinner and you see her walking up the side of the house…kinda like she’s a burglar…..a burglar with blindingly white teeth.
  • Meanwhile in Vegas, Brent and Sam are leaving for the airport and Heidi is nowhere to be found. They keep calling her, but she won’t answer….just like a good employee. So they leave while 80’s music beats are playing in the background. And cue Heidi, Steve Sanders, and Sandy Sanders with their luggage at the airport. Wow. That Heidi is truly defiant….and like Gem she’s truly outrageous truly truly truly outrageous. Seriously, I hope she doesn’t think she’s going back to work after this. I’m sure she’ll be able to find the same job somewhere else. I mean, she is very qualified to help make decisions like purchasing casinos. Maybe there are some territories in the United States that haven’t been discovered yet. Put her ass on a boat and have her go explore. These are just some examples.
  • Well here’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for and I’m pretty sure we’ve all seen it in the commercial already. Lauren goes back to Audrina’s secret guesthouse to “talk” about the distance between them.
  • Lauren compliments the wonderful job Audrina did with her 2×4 guest house. It’s like she’s living in the tree-house in the backyard.
  • Audrina starts to backtalk to Lauren and Lauren will not have it! Audrina thanked Lauren for inviting her over for crab last night. No really, she said that. I now start thinking of Lauren and Audrina getting it on and I have no clue why Lauren is crying right now. Ok, so I rewind it and it’s because Audrina told Lauren that Lo was pushing them apart.
  • Lauren cries over this and uses her man-hands to wipe away the tears. I’m pretty sure Lauren is crying because she can’t keep a friend to save her life. While Lauren cries, Audrina just sits there and says “ok.” I’m torn between figuring out if this scene is scripted and I’m leaning towards it’s not. I know, go figure.
  • Lauren leaves Audrina’s tree-house and heads back into her mansion….nothing has been resolved, nor does it really matter as it’s boring as hell.
  • Meanwhile, Steve Sanders and Heidi head back into their apartment….nothing has been resolved, nor does it really matter as it’s boring as hell.
  • No joke, this was a terrible season finale. I mean, I’m definitely watching the next season in August, but there better be some good crap going on. Hopefully Heidi will get pregnant and perform plastic surgery on her unborn child in her womb. Maybe Audrina will get arrested for beating the piss out of Justin Bobby. Perhaps Lo will realize she’s borderline pointless and play “murder suicide” with her and Lauren. Then, and only then, can they bring back Lisa Love, Elodie, and Heidi’s dog from Season One and start a whole new show. I should write for them.

Well, that’s all folks. Thanks for sticking with me each week for these craptasic recaps. Hopefully you won’t leave this little blog, only to return in August. There’s plenty of other crap you can read here each and every day! What did you guys think of this Season Finale? Good? Bad? Indifferent? What did I miss?

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