The Hills Recap: Why Doesn’t Whitney Say, “Diane Von FurstenberK”

Dear Jesus Claus,
Please let The Hills end soon. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. When they are giving story-lines to the original cast members boyfriends sisters boyfriend it makes me angry inside and when I’m angry I can barely spread my joy throughout the world. Anyclaus, here’s what went down on another terribly horrific crapisode of The Hills….just in case you were busy diddling your elves, Santa.
Little IBBB
  • Throw away your hair products because Kelly CUNTrone is back in action! This time, to tone down her tough image, she’s wearing purple jeans. But don’t fret, she still looks like walking death. Kelly discusses an interview she set up for Whitney at Diane Von Furstenberg. I can’t wait to hear Whitney try to say “Von Furstenberg.” You totally know the she was like, “Van Fartenburp” and the producers had to yell “cut!”
  • Now why does Whitney say that this opportunity sounds “amazinK” but she actually can pronounce “Furstenberg?” I would please like for a speech pathologist to write into IBBB and explain Whitney’s speech impediment. Gracias (that means ‘thank you’ in Spanish).
  • Since this episode is going to really shit the bed, I have a question. You know in the opening credits? Who’s the girl on the runway in the bikini that does that ridiculous pose with her head when they sing, “Feel the rain on your skin.” You know the part and you know the girl. Let’s get her some additional press. What? I’m bored with The Hills.
  • Lauren and Oddrina are at her new whore-house and Oddrina tells Lauren that she still “wants it” from Justin Bobby. I assumed the “it” that’s she’s talking about is, of course, teeth whitening kits and/or free haircuts from J Bob. Lauren tells Oddy that her d-bag parents are selling their Laguna Beach house. Boo hoo! Poor little rich girl can’t go back to her parents mansion. Ahhh Laguna Beach. Now that’s a show I miss on a daily basis.
  • Sandy and Steve Sanders are having scripted lunch and talking about her scripted boyfriend, Cameron. Boring. I’m moving on.
  • Whitney tells Lauren about her interview in NYC and once Lauren realizes that Whitney will be moving she seems a little pissed. I’m assuming she’s pissed because she’s trying to figure out who she’ll get to tell all of her scripted problems to at “work” every day. It’s tough to be Lauren Cockring.
  • This show is the worst.
  • Wait. Are they seriously going to show Lauren going to Laguna to pack up her crap? Really? This is really going to make the episode? Can’t Lauren just stay in Laguna Beach and they can start filming Laguna Beach 4? Please? Santa? Jesus? Congress? Anyone??
  • Oh please. Lauren’s parents totally aren’t packing up their own crap and putting it into boxes. Nice try, but I think the millionaires aren’t packing their own crap. I’m pretty sure they’re hiring an illegal immigrant moving crew for work like that.
  • Whitney’s in NYC for her big interview for a job that she already has because she already has her own spinoff of The Hills. It’s a little show called “The City.” Hmm I wonder if she’ll get the job and they’ll continue Whitney’s spinoff show or if she won’t get the job and they’ll have to cancel her new show. Hmmm I wonder.
  • This is great. Whitey’s interview is up on the second floor and she has to walk up about 100 stairs. I’m not kidding. With Whitney’s track record of stairs and falling down them (Good Morning America) I wonder how she’ll do? I’m kidding. She doesn’t fall down stairs. She slides down stairs. There’s a difference.
  • In more interesting news, the assistant that greets Whitney, Elizabeth, is hot. Finally.
  • The middle-aged woman, who kinda looks like Maria Shriver, comes down to interview Whitney. And what an interview it is! She asks tough questions like, “What have you been doing.” Uh oh, I don’t think Whitney prepared for that one! Drat!
  • When the interviewer asks Whitney what exactly her role was in the Sass and Bide (Sass and Vibe? No idea) fashion show, Whitney says that she did the casting “and everything else you can think of.” Wow. Really? Way to nail that answer, Whit! She might as well have just said, “I did work and things that relate to working.”
  • Whitney does, however, make sure that she plugs her upcoming show by saying that she should jump into this industry whole-heartedly and move to “The City.” Seriously, I can’t take much more of this. Although, I’m glad that we live in a world where Whitney is employable even when the unemployment rate is at an all time high.
  • Meanwhile back on the left coast, Sandy Sanders breaks up with her boyfriend who looks like he just knocked over a 7-11 before arriving at her apartment (that she doesn’t deserve). If you listen carefully, I think that all the parts of the breakup conversation are voiced over. I’m sure she really said, “I don’t want to order pizza” but they voiced over to “I don’t want a relationship.
  • I actually cried when Sandy Sanders started crying….but my tears were over the fact that I realized I’ve recapped every Hills episode since the 2nd season on and I will never ever get that time back. Ever. My God, what have I done!
  • LC and LOser are packing up her Laguna Beach bedroom and strolling down memory lane. Lauren finds her “Will” that she wrote when she was 15. In it, she declares that when she dies she wants to be buried in her home-coming dress with her crown placed on her coffin. Finally, an episode worth watching….Lauren dies and we get to watch the burial! You know what? If they also televise LOser’s burial I just may live-blog.
  • Finally this episode is almost over. Whitney leaves her interview and Ozzy Bobby is outside waiting for her. They are the worst to watch. The way she’s interacting and touching him you know they totally banged the first night they met. Do you think when Whitney is having an orgasm she’s yelling, “I’m cominK, I’m cominK!” I don’t care that I crossed the line. That last sentence was the best part of the entire recap.

Next week on The Hills we get to see Heidi and Steve Sanders Mexican wedding. Really? Didn’t that literally just take place last week? No really. Didn’t it? So basically The Hills is filming scenes each week and editing them (terribly) and airing them a week later? You know, if they actually filmed stuff each week and then aired it immediately maybe every episode wouldn’t be ruined by what Us Weekly reports on. Just a thought.

What did you dirt-bags think of this latest episode? Who’s not watching next season? Anyone planning on watching “The City?” You think it’s even worth recapping?

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