The Hills Recap: Whitney Officially Gets “Hillsified”

I don’t want anyone to be alarmed, but this week Audrina, LOser, Brody, Frankie, DouK, Justin Bobby, and Stephanie Pratt are nowhere to be found. It’s like those episodes of The Facts of Life where sometimes Blair just randomly wouldn’t be in it. You watched it anyway, but the whole time you were kinda like “I wonder if Lisa Whelchel is getting fired?” Let’s see if Lauren, Whitney, Heidi, and Steve Sanders could carry the show. Oh, and by “carry the show” I really mean “make me want to give away all of my possessions and then jump out my window.”

Here’s what went down on the most recent crapisode of The Hills:

  • Beep. Beep. Beep. Can you hear me? Hello??? Can you hear me? It’s Kelly CUNTrone, someone pick up! Kelly CUNTrone is on an official conference call with Lauren and Whitney and is explaining that both skanks need to fly first class to NYC to help her with 6 fashion shows for fashion week. How the hell long is fashion week? And is it just me or is listening to Kelly CUNTrone over the phone like listening to Tony Micelli leaving a voicemail for Angela Bower?
  • Other Nationality Alert: Hills viewers, I know you must be confused by watching the scene with Kelly CUNTrone yelling at some girl to hang up the phone. This girl in question is the nationality that is considered “Asian.” Say it with me. Asian. I’m pretty sure they just took the same Asian girl that used to sit next to Lauren in her “fashion class” and made her move to the set of Kelly CUNTrone’s office. Oh, and figures that Kelly would have to use hand signals to tell her to hang the phone up. The look of the girl who plays “Asian Girl on Phone” is priceless. Although it’s kinda the same look of an Asian person who drives their car through an intersection when they have a red light and causes a 3 car pile up. Oooops, I don’t know? I sorry.
  • What’s the difference between Kelly CUNTrone and a hockey mom? Colored clothing.
  • Whitney and Lauren show up to the NYC office looking like an Easter egg exploded and Kelly CUNTrone wants to know where their “black” is. Yikes. Geesh, Kelly, slavery ended like 25 years ago. Get with the times. Oh, and it’s clear where Lauren’s black is. She’s been growing hers in again. Yes, the mustache is back! I believe this is Lauren’s mustache’s first trip to New York. Ole!
  • Do you think that Kelly knows that while Lauren has to be her bitch on camera she actually makes more money than Kelly? If Kelly doesn’t know that, I do. I know it. And I’m tellllling!
  • Jesus. Between all the questions that Lauren and Whitney are asking the male models it must be like working with the Riddler. That one dude is a douche, no surprise. Every question Whitney asks he answers with another question. Douche.
  • Meanwhile, back at Casa de Chin, we get to wake up with Heidi! What a treat! Heidi is practicing her “sad faces” because she is upset she got shit-canned from Crackhouse. She says she wants to work on her resume, but I already found her resume. Somewhere in California, Elodie is squealing with delight.
  • By the way, Heidi is looking more and more like Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. They should give those two their own show. I’d watch. No surprise there.
  • It’s show time at the terrible fashion show. All the dudes look like Lindsay Lohan’s spray-tanned ankles. Is that on purpose? And what the hell is the matter with Alex? Does he have social anxiety disorder? Can I catch it? Because I think I may have just caught it through my television. Awkward.
  • The fashion show was a success…meaning it looked like chaos and I didn’t understand one bit of it. Regardless, Whitney and Lauren got invited to some random restaurant to watch some trash-heap band play. Wait, is this whole crapisode just setting us up for Whitney’s new show “The City?” Ok, I just got that. Carry on.
  • Ugh. I HATE during the first commercial when they show those two twits from The Aftershow. This time around “Dan” is wearing a black and yellow flannel shirt that is 15 times too big for him and I also believe he has on Brent Crackhouse’s top hat from the last episode. Dick. Oh, and do these two douche bags know they have on head-piece microphones AND they’re also holding microphones? How in the hell many do they need? Someone cancel this show.
  • The girls head out to Il Bastardo (or something) and Whitney is immediately stalking the lead singer of the band, Jay, who I believe is just the New York Justin Bobby, but apparently he’s from Australia. Therefore, since I believe this guy will be in The City, I will now nickname him. Australia Jay who looks like a Justin Bobby will now be known as “Ozzy Bobby.” Enjoy.
  • Back on the left coast, Heidi and Steve Sanders head out some some crappy party and run into Brent Crackhouse. Steve Sanders goes over to confront Brent and Brent, I’ve decided, speaks in incomplete sentences. Listening to him speak is worse than trying to read this blog. It’s all incomplete sentences. Brent tells Steve Sanders that he doesn’t want to see Steve around his “stuff” anymore. Yeah you tell ’em Brent! Now take your toys and go the hell home.
  • Is it just me or is watching Whitney flirt with Ozzy Bobby kinda like watching your sister try to make the moves on someone? This is something no one needs to see.
  • Alex is in the background the entire time just watching Whitney talk to Ozzy Bobby. On one hand I feel bad for Alex because I’m always “the Alex” in these situations, but then on the other hand I don’t feel bad for him because he’s still a model and, well, I’m not. So screw him.
  • Is everyone in this bar/restaurant creeptastic or what!? Everyone in the background is just watching Lauren and Whitney. I wish I was there. I would have been in the background screaming “Where’s Lo?” “What happened to Heidi’s dog?” “Are Audrina’s teeth real?” And of course, “Are the Friends really friends?”
  • Back in LA: Now does Brent see the cuecards that Heidi is reading from? Heidi thinks it’s a great idea to speak with Brent and beg for her old job back. Is anyone buying this? I know I’ve said it before, but let’s break it down one last time. Heidi makes $65,000 an episode on The Hills. That does not include appearances, her crappy fashion line, etc. All in all over the course of the year she’s upwards of $1 million. At the highest level working at Crackhouse for Brent you’re only making $65,000 and that’s over the course of 1 year. So, again, who’s buying that Heidi really needs her job back? I mean, I’m dumb, but I’m not that dumb and once you give me a calculator I can figure all this stuff out.
  • Oh, and Brent calls Heidi’s boyfriend “a nightmare.” I think he meant to say “The Hills.” The Hills is a nightmare.
  • At one point, Heidi actually asks for any job at Bolthouse. She’ll take anything. Maybe she can work for Kimberly Bangs? That would be ironic. Oh, bring back Elodie for Christs sakes. Do it for the fans like they did on the new 90210 when they brought back Brenda, Kelly, and Nat.
  • So it’s official. It took 4 seasons, but it has finally happened. Whitney has officially been “Hillsified.” Whitney has always been sweet, innocent, and nice, but clearly that’s not going to make for an interesting season on “The City” so they officially gave Whitney douche-like qualities. She gives Alex the brush off at the bar so she can spend all her time with Ozzy Bobby and she makes him look like a complete tool on national television. Whitney must have been reading the Lauren playbook. I didn’t think Whitney had it in her, but give her a set of breast implants and she’s just as bad as the other skanks on the show.
  • Whitney leaves without acknowledging Alex and walks up the street with Ozzy Bobby. I’m sure she was going down under at the end of the night. Oh come on, that was the layup joke.
Next week looks like another crapfest. Although, Tats Patridge is in the next episode so that’s always entertaining.
What did you guys think of this weeks crapisode? Is Whitney just sassing it up for her new show? Did you like it better without the rest of the douche-bag bunch?
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