Oh kids. Oh my little children. Blah. Here’s everything that happened in last nights episode of “The Hills.” Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender went to Vegas and Justin Bobby showed up/was contractually obligated to go. Stacie the Pointless and Kristin kissed. J Bob slept over and probably got to second base and Steve Sanders thinks that Heidi tricked him into pregnancy. All that took up 4 minutes. Here’s what went on in the remaining 18 minutes of pure torture, hell, and horror:
- The Lucy and Ethel of our generation, Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender, are driving to Vegas. I’m pretty sure they’re sitting in a car in front of a green-screen because the background looks as fake as the Heidi/Spencer/baby storyline. Kristin is real good at crunching numbers and doing math formulas so she comes up with the percentages of them hooking up with randoms. Kristin claims she’s at about 65% (ahem, 92.5%) and that Stacie is at 90% (ahem 104% – she blew to guys at the gas station in the desert).
- Stacie the Pointless tries to show us how excited she is to be going to Vegas buy coming up with some wonderful catchphrases like: “We’re not here to meet Mr. Right, we’re here to meet Mr. Right Now.” Next she says, “You live, you learn, and then you go to Vegas.” Kristin laughs like Robin Williams is performing stand-up on her dashboard. I, on the other hand, finally felt what crying on the inside truly feels like. It’s going to be a long episode. As long as Audrina’s old front tooth. It’s going to be tooth long.
- So why is Steve Sanders friend, Charlie, in every episode now? I’d rather watch Enzo on stilts with a sombrero on his head wearing a Members Only jacket pretending to be someone else than watch any more scenes with Charlie and his porn/Hitler mustache.
- Steve Sanders is bragging to Charlie about his romantic dinner that his wife Heidi cooked for him and how she was wearing sexy lingerie while they ate dinner. Really? Bragging? If Charlie has eyes that work he’s seen Heidi before. If I got home and Heidi was wearing lingerie as I tried to eat plate of pasta I’d pour bleach on my nuts, put hot peppers in my eyes, and crazy-glue earphones into my ears with nothing playing but “Body Language” by Heidi Montag(you’re it).
- I’m not quite sure if Charlie understands how “getting pregnant” works, probably because the 12 yr old girls he surrounds himself with can’t. He’s giving Steve Sanders advice to test whether or not Heidi is taking her birth control. This consists of seeing if she wants to drink alcohol and eat shellfish. Yeah, that may be a good test after she’s pregnant, but that has nothing to do with her taking birth control pills. Fail. Scene fail. Logic fail. Life fail. I fail.
- Meanwhile back on the set of Vegas, Stacie and Kristin are drinking champagne and talking for the 15th time about meeting new guys and how they’re in Vegas and how they’re not looking for boyfriends and woo-hoooooo Vegas! Enough. Only dogs can hear them at this point. As they pick out clothes, Stacie informs us all that she wants to wear something that “doesn’t scream one-night-stand, but ‘maybe.'” Again, Kristin keels over laughing when Stacie says this like Robin Williams followed them in from the dashboard of their car to perform his second set live in their hotel room. As a sidenote, if Stacie is really looking for the “maybe” she should wear a skirt that when she sneezes her woo-woo drops down to say “hi.” That works every time.
- Steve Sanders takes Heidi for sushi to perform Charlie’s “never fail” test. I hate them. I’m not even recapping this.
- Thelma and LouiseKristin and Stacie then head out to the bar at the Palms that MTV uses for every-single show that they film in Vegas. While there, and doing shots, they meet a couple of double-down-douche-bags. One is nicknamed “J-Rock” because, you know, if you’re going to wear a jacket that covers up your Ed Hardy t-shirt we won’t know right off the bat that you’re a douche, so you’re going to need to let us know what your douche-bag name is, that way when we hear it we can know that you have 2 dresser drawers filled with Ed Hardy back in your hotel room. That’s how that works. Anyway, “J-Rock” supposedly was a backup dancer for the Backstreet Boys. I’d rather watch back-to-back videos of the Backstreet Boys than this right now. Stacie forces “J-Rock” to prove it and he does so by doing signature Beyonce moves while all the other douches in the Douche-Bag-Brigade hi-five and compare pencil-thin eyebrows. This is Kristin’s cue to “slur-dial” Justin Bobby and leave him a message, but we’re not supposed to know it’s him.
- “The Next Morning” we discover that Kristin eats ice-cream in bed and probably off a penis because, surprise, surprise Justin Bobby came over! He surprises Stacie by being in his towel. I think I saw Stacie dry-hump the pillow. Pig.
- Did you guys know Audrina is still in this show? She is. I couldn’t care less about anything she’s talking about except the fact the her sister is having a boy. Wait, what? Tats Pats is having a baby AND she already has a baby girl? I hope one day they call Audrina “Auntie Teefs.”
- Justin Bobby Socks, Kristin, and Stacie the Pointless Bartender/Future Stripper head out to the strip club and Stacie is having the time of her life. She has underwear on her head, she’s throwing dollars down on the stage, she’s probably even taking copious notes, you know, for pointers. Stacie feels like the 3rd wheel, so Kristin makes her feel like part of the date by kissing Stacie. It’s like Spring Break 2002 all over again. If she really wanted to push the envelope she would have let Stacie roll up the script and find a place to “hide it” on her body.
- In the end, Kristin and Justine Bateman Bobby wake up and Kristin’s voice sounds like she fell asleep with a bucket-o-dicks in her mouth. She kinda has that raspy Whitney Houston voice going on but, you know, without all the crack and stuff. She and J Biggie Smalls decide to “see how it goes” once they leave the set of Vegas and get back to the LA soundstage. I couldn’t care less what the F happens to any of these people. Actually, where the hell is Stacie? She could have been dead in the strip club for all we know. Geesh, let’s learn how to tie up all the loose ends, MTV, ok?
NEXT WEEK IS THE SEASON FINALE OF THE HILLS! Free at last, free at last, great God almighty I’m almost free at last!