Like a slow motion car accident you start to brace yourself in preparation for the big hit and it seems like it takes forever before you actually smash into the car in front of you….here is what what down on last nights crapisode of The Hills:
- “Friends with benefits” is the new “relationship vacation.” Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are hanging out at Kristin’s house and playing with little yippy dogs whilst chit-chatting about going out to find men, get plowed, and become mothers. Ok only half of that may be right. I wish one of those dogs had rabies and then started to turn on its owner.
- In “This is Pointless” News, Lo is having lunch with McKaela (LC 2.0) for some random reason. Lo is giving advice to LC 2.0 on how to watch out for Brody and be friends with Kristin all at the same time. Great advice Lo! Her advice should have also included things like: When the cameras stop rolling and this season ends you will never hear from Brody or Kristin ever again. However, Frankie will be hitting you up on his speed dial morning, noon, and night. Just go with it because it’s all down hill after that anyway. Also, LC 2.0 may get an internship where Lo works. Um, Lo works for “The Hills” so does that mean that LC 2.0 is going to become a production assistant? Next.
- Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are out for a night on the whorish town. As soon as they sit down a couple of Brody’s with trucker hats try to drunkenly spark up a conversation with Kristin. They slur it up to ask where she’s from and when Kristin replies “Hollywood” the drunk dude says, “Colorado?” Here’s the thing, I’m not drunk (surprisingly) and I thought she said Colorado too. They both roll their eyes and that’s when I would have lost my shiz. I would have told Kristin to stop chugging her glass of dicks for second so I could understand what the hell she was saying. Then I would have jumped in front of the camera and yelled, “Hi Mom! I’m on The Hills!”
- Why is it so insane that McKaela really looks like LC with a brown wig on? Well, either a brown wig or Lauren Conrad just combed up her mustache. It’s a toss up at this point. Oh, and you know what’s putting me to sleep right now? Brody and LC 2.0’s relationship. Just as I start to wake up from their conversation I start to lapse back into a self induced coma when she starts talking about possibly working with Lo. At this point I’m missing Enzo. I almost wish I didn’t call DSS on him from last season.
- Audrina and Steph Pratt are, shocker, shopping and Audrina is telling Steph how Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono is staying with her while he gets ready to move into his new house. Stephanie doesn’t seem to grasp the concept that Audrina is talking about and asks questions like: He lives with you? Are his clothes there? Does he live there all day? Seriously, it’s like Audrina didn’t fill out her census and Stephanie is ordered to ask Audrina these questions or face harsh penalties. Yes, Stephanie, he lived with her. His clothes where there, he stayed there all day, he took Shasta McNasty’s in her toilet, he whitened her teeth, he hid his boogers under her coffee table, he turned away her stalkers from the front door, etc, etc. He lived there.
- LC 2.0 shows up at Smashbox, where Lo works, to interview for her internship. Smashbox? Wasn’t that the name of the “club” that Uncle Jesse and Ant Becky owned on Full House? I hope so. I also hope that Steph’s friends band, Human Pudding, perform there later. We’re human. We’re pudding. Human pudding! Spoiler Alert: LC 2.0 gets the job! Thank Santa Christ! I can’t wait to find out what wonderful future scenes Lo and LC 2.0 will be filming. Oh, and can they just end the season today? Just stop the season.
- Lo, Audrina, and Stephanie all head out to the Viper Room because Audrina needs to check out some band, I’ll assume “Human Pudding,” for “work.” Once they’re in there they discover that Justin Bobby’s band, Ed StanleY, is performing and, to no surprise, J Bob is on the drums. Lo always thought that the idea of Justin Bobbert in a band was just a joke, but it is not joke when we witness him banging the drums like he’s trying to contact the volcano gods. Seriously what in the hell am I watching. Lo thinks like he looks like a muppet and I actually laugh. I laugh because I’m about 1 scene away from crying. This is all terrible.
- Audrina thinks it’s going to be hard watching Justin play in his band and she ponders leaving because, you know, that makes sense. The girls ask Audrina if she’s going to tell Chaz Bono about what happened tonight. Uh, whaaaaat? You mean is Audrina going to tell Chaz that she was at the Viper Room and Justin Bobby’s band was playing? Uh, yes? No? Who cares? Hopefully she does tell him and he starts hitting her the same way J Bob hits the drums.
- After the “concert” is over Oddy runs into J Bob outside and he starts asking her a million questions, similar to the way that Stephanie was asking Oddy a million questions about Chaz Bono living with her. Apparently Census questions are all the rage on The Hills. After the awkward exchange, in which Oddy also tells him about the other band she went to see who’s from London, all three girls walk away and Justin Bobby drives away in the same car that the bad guys from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” drove.
- Audrina stops by Chaz Bono’s new house, which I’m still tyring to figure out how he can afford, and I’m waiting for Cher to walk down the stairs in her “If I Could Turn Back Time” outfit. Chaz is leaving for a 4 day tour and Oddy thinks it’s a good idea. I mean, Oddy also thinks that Pop Rocks and Pepsi is a good idea, but that’s another story for another time.
- Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Person head out for their man hunt again and this time Brody and his friend, Sweaty Tank, bump into them and this give Kristin a great chance to force Brody to apologize for talking to LC 2.0 in front of her from last week. Honestly, Kristin can’t even get her lines out without smirking. Either can Brody. They should smirk. They should smirk because they’re getting paid insane amounts of money to film this no matter how bad it is and, you know what, it’s bad. I would smirk too, except I’m too busy crying over the fact that my life not only consists of watching this, but writing about it as well. Where did I go wrong?
- Meanwhile, Justin Bobby shows up and he and Oddy have a nice little chat which consists of things that make me think that J Bob is back on the sauce again, which is fine by me because I think that everyone should be drunk all the time. He even gives Chaz Bono a nickname, which is “Spike.” Get it? He has spikey hair. Oh that J Bob. I really hope that he and Oddy get back together and I hope they both take a ride on his motorcycle together and, well, I hope the universe ends that scene any way it sees fit.
- In the end, Kristin and Brody faux-make up and Kristin seems like she’s about 3 sheets to the wind, which I approve. They both leave “da club” together and are probably going to bang in the dumpster behind “da club,” which is good because it would be nice to see exactly where Frankie lives anyway. Hey-oh!
Well once again nothing happened in this crapisode either. No Heidi? No Spender? How rude! At this point I say they should bring back those two d-bags who played LC and Heidi’s love interests in Season One. Either that or somehow insert Kelly Cutrone into the mix to save this sh*t, STAT!