Welcome back to your weekly Hills recap! Here’s what went down last night on another crapisode of The Hills:
- We kick things off with Stephanie, Lo, and Audrina sitting around talking about the war, taxes, health care reform, and the rising homeless situation in America. I’m kidding. They’re talking about Steph’s new “boyfriend” looking like a prom king and Audrina stopping by Justin Bobby’s bike shop the other day and not telling Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono about it. Steph and Lo react to this like Audrina said she stopped by Bin Laden’s cave for a Redbull and a motorboating.
- Wait a second, so McKaela (LC 2.0) and Allie Triple Lutz are actually in their own scene together? Are they on this show now for real? Poor Frankie Delgado. He’s been trying to stir the scripted pot in every scene that he’s been in since 2005 and these two trashmasters are getting more airtime than him. What a world. What a racist world. Yeah I went there.
- LC 2.0 and Allie Triple Lutz are having some lunch and talking about how all the girls don’t like Allie. Allie can’t seem to figure it out and when LC 2.0 brings up Allie breaking into Brody’s house years ago she starts talking 100 mph and twitching and shaking and sh*t. When Allie says that Brody did go to Brody’s house, but that he let her in to look for her ring, LC 2.0 tries to somehow justify the situation by asking if it was “late at night” about 10 times. I am highly confused by this scene not only because I felt like I was dodging and weaving syphilis from Allie Triple Lutz whilst she chattered, but also by the fact that I still can’t believe how much McKaela looks like Lauren Conrad to me. She looks a little taller though. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was really Lauren sitting on Enzo’s shoulders wearing a long trench-coat.
- The whole gang heads out for a night out on the scripted town at Le Douche and even Justin Bobby shows up looking like he just tried to light his sneakers on fire during a Delta flight from NYC>LAX. This makes Audrina’s upper lip get real tight and do her Fire Marshall Bill impression. I think that similar to a dog wagging its tail, this means that Audrina is happy. Now if someone would just roll up a newspaper and hit her on the nose I’d be content.
- J Bob goes over an shakes Audrina’s hand like he’s running for City Councilman and hoping to get her vote during the upcoming election. Lo thinks this is hysterical and that actually makes my blackened heart smile for her.
- I’m not sure why Steve Sanders friend, Charlie, is sitting with Justin-Bateman-Bobby but that friendship intrigues me.
- On the other side of the couches Chaz Bono wants no part of any of this and decides that he and Oddy should peace out of Le Douche. As much of a creepo as Chazzy B may be I actually think he’s not intimidated by J Bob, but thinks he’s being set up by the producers in this scene hoping for a big confrontation. Am I the only loser who thought that? Rewind your DVRs and do a full analysis and report back to me in a composition of 200 words or less with 1 inch margins and proper cursive writing. Neatness counts.
- Anyspikes, Chaz Bono and Audrina leave Le Douche, but not before Chaz says goodbye to Justin Roberto in the most awkward way possible. J Bob wants to fist bump. Chaz says, “I only give high-fives.” He ends up high-fiving Justin Bobby’s fist and I have to switch back to the Celtics/Lakers because I am highly embarrassed. And who “only gives high-fives?” I’ll tell you who. Michelle Tanner in every Full House episode where she encountered someone who wasn’t Danny Tanner. She usually followed it up with a “You got it, dude!” That’s who.
- It’s date night for Stephanie Pratt and Max comes over with two boxes of Girl Scout cookies. That’s not a joke. I’m sure that was the only thing available on set at craft services. The date is taking place at Steph’s apartment and I’ll assume she’s probably just under house arrest.
- Steph made a whole meal that consisted of boiling things and making salad. Her strength in boiling things, I’m sure, began while living in a meth lab years ago (allegedly). When Max tells Steph she’s missing out by not eating the salad she responds with, “I saw how I made that.” Mmmm yum. I bet she’s the person that’s too lazy to cut up the carrots for the salad so she just takes bites of the carrot and then spits it back into the bowl. I’m sure she also rinsed the lettuce off with her all the bottles of wine she had to spill out before the cameras showed up.
- Steph lets Max know that she hasn’t talked to her brother after she got a DUI and Max looks like he’s trying to find the nearest escape route in her apartment. In the end, he ends up telling Steph that her brother is doing the opposite of what someone should do if their sibling is in trouble. Awkward. He then apologizes for bringing it up and Steph accepts his apology all whilst hunched over at the table and making odd faces. Oh well. Looks like Max is going to be going home alone and using his other hand to pretend it is Steph. All’s well that ends well. I’m sure the salad will end up giving him the sh*ts anyway.
- Attention Future Audrina Stalkers: The code to get into her house is, “Hey it’s me.” Just say that when you arrive and she’ll let you right in. It worked for Chaz Bono and it can and will work for you. Audrina seems to be having second thoughts about her relationship with Chaz. She guesses that every relationship gets to the point where “the honeymoon is over.” For The Hills, that’s technically when 3 episodes have passed. Also, I forgot to mention this before in the Le Douche scene, but how funny was it when Justin Bobby kept telling Brody that Chaz Bono was “a rocker.” Awesome! SAT Test Question Time: Ryan Cabrera is to a rocker as Kristin Cavallari is to an actress. Pencils down.
- It’s time for the Wango Tango concert and Chaz Bono is performing his “hit song” that “the kids went wild over” from like 2002. Audrina is literally brought to tears during this song, as am I…but for different reasons. Audrina asks Steph if she can tell she’s crying even though she has sunglasses on. Steph replies with, “Kind of….your lips.” Oh not she didn’t. So close. So close. I would have jumped up and fist-bumped my TV if she replied with, “Kind of…your teeth.” Damn it so close. Audrina ends up leaving “the concert” and crying out in the parking lot because she thinks this is all too much. She’s kind of right. Nothing makes you feel older than being 27 and still going to a summer concert sponsored by Kiss FM when Ryan Cabrera is headlining.
- Well we’ve come to this, my friends. The “next day” Stephanie and Lo are filming their scene at the grocery store. Let me repeat. They’re at the grocery store. They’re food shopping. Awesome. Someone needs to tell Steph that the Sudefed is now behind the pharmacy and so she can’t buy 15 boxes of it so that she can run home, chop up the pills, and try to make homemade meth. That’s why they do that. Also, they might as well pick up a couple of applications because The Hills is over very soon and, well, the rent is going to pay itself anymore. Maybe Steph and can be that lady who passes out samples of cheese on toothpicks? Aim high, aim often.
- In the end, everyone heads out to the Nylon Young Hollywood party. LC 2.0 shows up with Allie Triple Lutz and then slowly heads over to where Brody is sitting and just kind of lurks behind him. I love stalkers. I am one. I love the move where you just lurk. Just stand there and lurk from a distance and then be like, “oh hey!” when you make direct eye contact. LC 2.0 is such a good stalker.
- It is then when the fight breaks out between Kristin and Allie Triple Lutz. Here’s why I like it. (1) Allie Triple Lutz looks like a sausage with a bleach blond fright wig on in her dress and (2) Kristin is drunk fighting, which is always an A+ on my report card. She’s standing up slurring, “Come here I couldn’t hear you” when Allie Triple was saying that she can’t handle pretty girls in LA. Stacie the Pointless Bartender is jumping in and yelling too. Here’s the thing, Stacie the Pointless Bartender thinks that LC 2.0 and Allie don’t deserve to be there. It’s like, Stacie, you literally were the bartender in two episodes of The Hills before they basically made you a main character. Count your blessings, count your tips, and shut yo’ mouf!
- Brody breaks up the fight. LC 2.0 gets pissed at Allie Triple Lutz for causing a scene and having everyone hate her. Brody and Kristin scriptedly go home together to scriptedly do “bang.” The eeeeend.
