The Hills Recap: The Matrix is Safe. Whatever it is, Heidi is Apparently Not in It. So, Rest Easy America!


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Well it’s time for another crapisode of The Hills.  Like a homeless holding a cardboard box sign with a lot of writing on it, I just can’t not stop and look at it.  Here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

  • We kick things off with HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag and Stephanie Pratt having a joyous lunch together outside in sunny LA.  They hug, squeal with delight, and yell “sisters.”  Remember when Lauren Conrad used to be on this show and it was actually about something?  Well, maybe it was never about anything real, but it was never about this!  Stephanie lets Holly know that Heidi and Steve Sanders have no friends, have no family, and don’t have anybody.  Yup, that was pretty much covered in the “no friends” and “no family” update, but thanks for talking slow enough and monotone enough for me to follow along.  Steph claims she’s never seen someone be this crazy (referring to Spencer) without being on a substance.  Oddly enough, I can’t believe anyone watches this also without being on a substance.
  • Heidi is walking up the street to have faux-lunch with Kristin.  The camera man does a “toe to head” shot has Heidi walks up the street with neither her boobs or her hair moving at all.  It shocks me that Kristin doesn’t scream when she sees Heidi.  I’ve seen Heidi’s new look online for over 2 months now and even I yell out a “back demon, back to hell where you belong” when her face lights up my screen.
  • Kristin tells Heidi she looks so good and then she glances down at her rack and says, “you look so little now.”  It’s technically Opposites Day on The Hills.
  • After chatting about how crazy train Spencer is, Heidi says, “…like, who am I without Spencer?”  The answer to that is, “a robot.”  I’m actually wrong for saying that.  The correct answer is, “What is, a robot.”
  • Audrina goes to visit Chaz Bono in the recording studio, which is pointless on so many accounts.  Therefore, next.
  • The whole gang heads out to Wonderland for a night of fun, drinking, and obviously random conversations that I can’t seem to follow.  Audrina and Brody do this awkward strange sing/laugh “hi thing” and Stephanie Pratt wants to know if Kristin wants to spray tan because she owns her very own spray tan machine.  Seriously, what don’t the editors leave in?  It must just be like Audrina farting and Kristin snorting coke.  Allegedly.
  • Brody wants to suddenly talk to Audrina about things he couldn’t talk to her about when he had a girlfriend before.  Things like life and, perhaps, taxes, and maybe even that pesky volcanic ash in Iceland.  Audrina whines that she has a boyfriend now and that “you always want what you can’t have.”  Kinda of like eyes that aren’t sleepy or non-beaver teeth.  Yeah, like those things.
  • Meanwhile Spencer and Heidi show up to surprise everyone and infect the place with plastic, crazy, and a blown-out-cotton-ball-top-feathered-back-perm.  I’m of course referencing Spencer.
  • When Brody has a slurred conversation with Spencer about his marriage, etc Spencer tries his hardest to cry, but he fails.  You remember what that was like?  You broke something in your parents house and knew you were F’n dead so you tried with all your power to produce tears as fast as you could?  It didn’t really work then and it’s not working for him now.  Maybe he should have been picturing Heidi’s old chin and nose?  That usually does it for me.  Hell, it’s doing it right now.  Sniff, sniff.
  • Audrina goes over to Steve Sanders to ask him where Heidi is to which he replies, “You’re the lamest girl in this club.”  That’s actually the truth.  No, no it’s not.  Frankie is the lamest girl in this club and we all know it.
  • Speaking of good old Frankie, Spencer tells him that he wants to smash Brody’s head off, but when he says it he grinds his teeth and shakes like someone just threw a plugged in toaster into the bathtub he’s in which, although I’m not suggesting, could kind of take care of this whoooooole situation.
  • The “next day”  Heidi, Audrina, and Kristin (the Andrew Sisters of our generation) head off to lunch to talk about all things crazy.  We also learn that Heidi made her puke brown shorts that she’s wearing.  I’m sure they were made from old Montag parts.
  • Audrina lets Heidi know that Spencer was rude to her last night at “da club” and then she kind of laugh/smirks and says, “So, like, do you, like think that, like, Spencer owes me, like, an apology?”  Clearly this sentence is too much for Heidi’s peroxide burnt brain to process and says, “Apologize for what?”  Ugh, it’s like I want to sit with each of them 3 days a week for 30 minutes and just do flash cards with them.
  • Heidi tries to explain to the girls that all men like to be a little controlling and it’s fine.  Uh, ru-roh!  Sounds like someone’s getting good at explaining their black-eye to the girls in the office on a Monday morning!
  • In the end, Heidi tells the girls that they don’t actually know her and that Spencer didn’t change Heidi.  Heidi changed Heidi.  Yeah, no, technically a “get rich quick” plastic surgeon changed Heidi so let’s just give credit where credit is due.  And also, if credit is due and we have the receipts is there any chance we can get a refund on this whole show/22 minutes?
  • Later “that night” everyone heads back out to “da club” and, like 4th graders on the playground, Brody asks everyone if he and Kristin should kiss.  Oh my God can you believe it?  And then they did kiss.  Oh my God can you believe it?  I hope she didn’t get pregnant.
  • Heidi and Steve Sanders also show up at “da club” and suddenly this episode turns into 30 minutes of QVC.  Heidi starts talking about her damn crystals making her a genius and how they open up your mind and also give you protection for when you’re in a war zone.  She then points her fingers up the sky and then winks.  Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously?
  • I wonder if they have any crystals that I can hold on my couch with me whilst I watch The Hills that can protect me from going to my window, throwing my TV, laptop, and them myself out of it?  I’m sure they do.  I’m sure one day we’ll all be able to have our own crystals that come in the bottom of every box of “Heidi-o’s.”  Heidi-o’s, part of an unbalanced breakfast.
  • Thank Christ!  Holly seems a little drunk, which is always great for this show, life, and me.  She’s claiming that she can’t wait to get into a fight with Spencer so she can “kick his little f*ckin-p*ssy-a**-punk-b*tch across town and then he can shut up once and for all.” Oh that Holly she’s a feisty one and tries to use all the swears she knows at once.  It’s a good goal to have.  I may try that today.
  • Meanwhile, Steve Sanders lets us know that he doesn’t let Heidi use the TV or computers.  Heidi only reads books, writes poetry, prays, and pets puppies.  Uh, I’m sure he meant to say, “uses her scooped out back as a bookshelf, writes suicide notes, prays for bigger boobs, and eat puppies.”  Simple mistake.  We’ve all been there.
  • The “next day” Kristin and Brody evidently spent the night together.  Brody is, inexplicably, wearing a half-shirt like he’s Danielson from Karate Kid Part I.  I’m praying that Mr. Miagi comes back to life, crashes into the kitchen, and tells Kristin to “wax the floor, bitch!”  Sadly this doesn’t happen so we have to listen to where they are in their faux-relationship instead.  I like my scenario better.
  • All the girls (in this show, not in the world) head over to Kristin’s to talk about what to do with the whole Heidi and Spencer situation.  They’re all talking about how Heidi is brainwashed and Audrina, out of all people, actually says, “There’s nothing there.  There’s no emotion.”  Well.  If that isn’t the ceiling eyes calling the beaver teeth white, then I don’t know what is!?
  • In the end all the girls decide to stop talking about Heidi and Spencer forever and to cut them out of their lives forever.  Audrina shows her beaver…teeth,  Holly does the ugly cry, Lo looks like she’s can’t believe she’s a college graduate and sitting there talking about this, and Kristin says she tried everything she possible can….which is true.  I mean Kristin did have over 1 televised conversation with Heidi so, clearly, she’s done her job.

All in all, terrible episode.  Worst of the season.  I’ll watch it again, 6 times, this weekend though.

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