Well folks, we are in what I can only assume is the 15,000th episode of The Hills this season. Somewhere in a barber shop getting her mustache shaved off, Lauren must be laughing at how horrible this season actually is. There are only so many times Kristin can say “whatever dude.” After the 16th time it loses its edge. Sadly, this is what went down last night on The Hills:
- The show opens with Kristin and Brody taking a romantic sunset walk on the beach. Brody, who refuses to admit that “trucker hats” were over 4 years ago, discusses his “break” with Jayde to Kristin. They’re very close to the water. I’m hoping Kristin has her period and a shark comes up and eats them both. Scratch that. I’d like to watch this show with Kristin having only one arm and Brody rockin his pimped out wheelchair. So maybe the shark just terrorizes them a little bit and snatches a limb or two. Haha, snatch.
- Oh crap, we’re at Heidi and Steve Sanders house of horror. Ugh. How come when Heidi and Steve Sanders have any sort of conversation they talk to each other like they’re spewing out tasks to do from their “to do” list. Example: You wanted to have a house….you wanted to not have kids…you’re the one that wanted a party. Blah. The worst. Anyway, it’s almost Heidi’s birthday (1 year closer to death, score!) and Heidi demands a birthday party. What the hell is on Heidi’s head? Oh. It looks like she’s trying to steal the “Lauren Conrad braid.” It’s not working too well because the top of her hair looks like a pile of knots. She probably paid Enzo (Billy from Who’s the Boss) to braid her hair and carve her a wooden duck and then take her out for parasailing and a tubing.
- Does LOser live with Audrina? Her role now consists of folding Audrina’s laundry. Yes, it has actually come to this. LOser also lets us know that she a sucker for blue and white stripes. Honestly, I have no idea what that means. Is that like a sex thing I don’t know about? Audrina is going to go to Heidi’s party even though Kristin is going to be there. Uh, of course she and Kristin are both going to be there because if they weren’t this episode would literally consist of Audrina and LOser folding laundry and Audrina making “gross” faces everytime she says or hears the words “Kristin” and “Justin Bobby.”
- Speaking of which, Kristin and J Bobert are on a “date” and for some reason unknown to me, Justin Bobby looks like Elvis in this scene. He’s also eating a toothpick. This all makes sense to someone, somewhere. Perhaps he’s signaling an Al Qaeda attack. One may never know.
- During the date Justin Bibbity Bobbity Boo keeps telling Kristin that he wants Audrina to tell her everything. He keeps saying it. He keeps saying “I want her to tell you everything….everything…..everything.” And then he winks. Alrighty boys and girls, let’s sit in a semi-circle around IBBB because I’m going to tell you a little story of what this means. You see, children, Justin Bobby wants Audrina to tell Kristin “everything” because they probably did some real nasty stuff in the bedroom…if ya know what I mean. This can consist of a little backdoor action (where Audrina probably thinks her woo-woo is anyway), taking a dump on her eyes, donkey punches, choking Audrina until her teeth pop, and playing “hide the script.” Are we all clear on this? Ok, now go out to recess and discuss. You’re welcome.
- As a random sidenote, how come everyone pronounces Audrina’s name differently on this show? Some people pronounce is “Uh-dreena,” some say “Aww-dreena,” or “Add-reena,” or just plain old “Adrina.” Doesn’t she ever correct anybody? Eh, she probably doesn’t even know.
- Meanwhile, Stephanie and Oddrina are driving in her car on the way to the party. I’m pretty sure the background as they “drive” is fake. It looks the same as when on “I Love Lucy” they drove to California. Well, since Audrina is the Lucielle Ball of our generation this all makes sense.
- HOLY CRAP! It’s Jen Bunney! I thought she was as dead as Heidi’s original dog? Jen is sporting some bleach blond hair and it looks like she may be on nose-job #2. Keep chiseling.
- Reason #33,561 why I love Kristin: When she sees Jen Bunney she hugs her and says, “Jen f*ckin’ Bunney!” Brilliant. That Kristin, a real pistol.
- This party blows. And where the hell is HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag to liven it up? You know she’s be doing keg-stands, having dance-offs, puking and crying….AND all at the same time. What a let-down.
- Steve Sanders gives Heidi two puppies for her birthday gift. 2 makes sense since she took such good care of the last dog she had.
- So the “fight” between Audrina and Kristin is weird. It’s almost like they’re having two separate conversations. For all I know they’re shooting this scene in different locations in front of a greenscreen and they’re just being edited together. Then, at one point Kristin tells Oddy that J Bob said that he and Oddy were never together…and then Kristin says to Oddy, “I’m sure this is hard for you to hear….as a woman.” As a woman? Why was that thrown in? She’s like, “I’m sure this is hard for you to hear….as a homosapien.” Huh?
- Kristin continues her “I’m done” tour by telling Oddy that she’s done with her. I hope my television catches on fire before next Tuesday night.
- The “next day” Teef, LOser, and Anorexia Barbie have a little lunch and Teef discusses her “fight” with Kristin….which kinda sucks for us because we just had to sit through it 14 seconds ago and now we have to listen to Teef try and articulate it, which is sorta like listening to a 3 year try to tell Santa what they want for Christmas. You know neither person involved in that understands. Anyway, LOser ends the scene by saying “Totes Magotes” and I want to take a dirt-nap.
- In the end (thank God) Kristin confronts Justin Bobby about his love for Audrina. He is dressed like Indiana Jones. First Elvis, now this? Looks like the wardrobe department hasn’t been effected by the recession.
- J Bob tells Kristin that there’s no trust and she has batting averages and strikes and sh*t. Huh? Is he drunk or am I?
- Kristin concludes the “I’m Done” tour by telling Justin Bobby…wait for it….wait for it…..wait for it….”I’m done.”