You know they’re hitting tilt on the “desperate-o-meter” where the majority of The Hills episode is based on Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Heidi, and Stephanie working. And come to think of it there aren’t 5 more deserving girls who should hold down employment. Here’s what went down last night on The Hills:
- The opening scene was so drunkenly edited that I borderline have no clue what took place. Once again Audrina has hypnotized me with her Milli Vanilli hat. Lauren throws in joke that Lo thinks her new boss is “the big chesse.” Lauren is very pleased with her joke and basically squeals with delight. I bet Lauren is a lot of fun at parties. LOser is going to be working at Smashbox, which I’m pretty sure was the name of the “club” that Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky owned on Full House. Human Pudding performed there. I hope LOser can book them too. “We’re human. We’re pudding. We’re human pudding.”
- Ever notice how when people on The Hills enter a restaurant of some sort they immediately sit right down? They never stand there for a second and do what every other person in America does which is, “Can we sit here? Do you think it’s ok if we sit here? Do you want to sit inside or outside?” Nope, they just aim for a specific table like a kamikaze pilot. Either that or maybe they just choose the table that has all the lighting set up around it. One may never know. This is one for the great philosophers to ponder.
- So I’m convinced that Sandy Sanders is back on the meth or some other type of drug. She informs us all that she met some dude named Robert Roberto Bert and she would like to focus on him instead of stressing about her “job.” At one point she stares into space whilst Lauren is running her lines and says she’s trying to picture him. I would have pulled a hair out of her head and immediately performed a drug test, but that’s just me. You out there would, perhaps, want to wait and drug test her after lunch is over.
- I miss Kimberly’s bangs. Heidi and Kimberly are on their “lunch break” from CrackHouse and Heidi is still talking about Stacie the bartender like she makes a commission every time she says “Stacie” out loud. Kimberly gives Heidi some advice to tell Stacie that “where I’m from we don’t deal with this.” Really Kimberly? Really? Heidi’s from Crested Butte. I’m pretty sure they f*ck horses and marry pigs there. It’s like Charlotte’s Web come to life. Ok, fine, I never read Charlotte’s Web, but I assume there was some horse f*cking and pig weddings. Am I right?
- Meanwhile back at Pubic Revolution, the “lunch break” is over for Lauren and Sandy Sanders and while Lauren is still in her same black outfit and knit hat, Sandy Sanders has completely changed her clothes. She was in this white and purple nana dress during lunch and now she’s in her “meth factory” outfit at work. Eh, who cares.
- The meth must be kicking back in because Lauren is leaving Sandy Sanders a list of demands for the big shoot with LOser and Smashbox and Sandy is just zoning in and out…that is until her phone rings with the song No Diggigty by Blackstreet. Brilliant. We are lucky enough to hear this ringtone later in the crapisode again. Anyway, like an episode of I Love Lucy something tells me that hijinks will ensue at the Smashbox shoot and Stephanie is going to have some ‘splaining to do!
- Now it’s time for Audrina to be “at work.” Audrina is a no-nonsense business woman and says such work things as “we need the lights on” and “the band is really excited” and “you’re going to do amazing.” Her “work” is short-lived because Justin Bobby calls her to “talk” during the “concert.” Oddrina agrees to see J Bob tomorrow. I’m on the edge of my seat. Oh, and I’ve placed broken glass on the floor so being on the edge of my seat increases the chances of me falling off my couch and onto the broken glass…and dying.
- It’s Smashbox shoot day and we get to see LOser at “work.” You’re never going to believe what happens. Spoiler Alert: Stephanie never packed the clothes for Lauren that she asked her to! Ruh-roooooo! LC calls Stephanie who is at lunch with Robert Roberto Bert and can’t get the correct clothes. LC hangs up on her in a scripted huff. See you in the unemployment line, Steph.
- Later that night Heidi struts her plastic stuff up the street to confront Stacie at The Dime. Stacie says to Heidi “funny seeing you here” to which Heidi replies “funny seeing you here.” Uh, is it funny? Really? Stacie ASKED Heidi to meet her there so it’s not really “funny seeing Heidi there” and Stacie actually “works” there so it’s not really “funny seeing Stacie there.” What is funny is that Heidi’s muppet hair doesn’t catch on fire from all the lights that are around her.
- The fight between Stacie and Heidi makes no sense…sort of like the show. They are pretty much running lists of what they think of each other. Heidi thinks Stacie is a homewrecker, rude, and a slut. At the same time Stacie thinks Heidi is crazy and her boyfriend is a dick. I mean they all bring up very very very valid points about each other. In the end Heidi instructs Stacie to say away from her boyfriend and to “stay away from LA.” At first I was like, maybe she meant stay away from LC, but nope, she said to stay away from LA. Poor Stacie. She’s going to have to move now. Did Heidi technically issue a restraining order? She knows you have to file for one of those, right? And not just make one up?
- Across town another fight is taking place between Audrina and Justin Bobby. Audrina is all business. She sits down and tells J Bob that she’s done with him. They then both get up, without paying for the beers that miraculously appeared on their table, and J Bob races her to the door. They faux-fight on the street and I’m pretty sure at one point I saw Audrina pull out a z-snap. Good for her for bringing that back. Justin is all pissed that Audrina slept in Brody’s bed. Apparently he doesn’t know that (1) that was scripted and (2) it never happened.
- Hey Steve Sanders is finally in this episode…with 2 minutes remaining. Heidi tells Steve Sanders that she took care of Stacie and that she felt like she was in hell and spent time in Satan’s dungeon. Wait, what? Is Heidi using some of Stephanie’s meth? Did I miss like 15 episodes of The Hills? I’m confused.
- In the end Kelly CUNTrone, the best cast memeber of The Hills, walks into Pubic Revolution looking like Jonh Lennon and lets Lauren and Stephanie know that she’s not so happy and that she wants to meet with Lauren and not Stephanie.
- Kelly Cutrone is the best thing that has ever happened to my life and here’s why. While meeting with Lauren, Lauren tells her that Stephanie was on her lunch break which is why Stephanie couldn’t bring the clothes to the Smashbox shoot. Kelly replies that she hasn’t been on a lunch break in 5 years. Awesome. I also think Kelly hasn’t washed her hair in 5 years, but I still love her. Kelly also says that any fashion girl would have stopped what she was doing to bring the clothes. In fact, she said even if they were about to get engaged they would have said, “nice ring, excuse me, I’ll be right back.” Brilliant. Kelly also tells LC that she is the one who must fire Stephanie by the end of the week. LC goes back to her “desk” and doesn’t quite yet fire Stephanie….that will happen next week.
Well that’s all folks. The “take-away” from this episode is that even with the unemployment rate at an all-time-high there are still undeserving people who are taking your jobs.