Remember when there was always a cliffhanger on the season finale of The Hills? Well the Teefs Fairy ain’t real and neither is The Hills. There I said it. During the last episode we get to painfully watch all of the horrific story-lines come together. Will Heidi admit she’s the mother of Enzo? Will Jayde show Brody her penis and pop out her button eyes? Will Holly Montag and her drinking even be mentioned once (spoiler alert: nope)? Will Kristin get the “N” tattooed on her stomach so that when she and Justin Bobby stand next to each other, topless, it will read “Italian?” Will Lo find a new friend to fold laundry for? Will Stephanie Pratt and Frankie get their own spinoff, “When Pointless Met Unnecessary?” Will Audrina finally give up her virginity to Heidi’s dog from season one? Will Lauren’s mustache appear when you look up at the moon to signal LC to come back and save this show? None of this will be answered in this recap, so let me walk you through what did happen. Help. Me.
- I’m convinced that Stacie the Pointless Bartender is just a naked upper torso and head. That’s all. Every scene she’s in with Kristin seems to only show her from the upper torso and up. She’s probably one of those people who’s just head, neck, and chest and walks on their hands. Oh, and Kristin is talking to Stacie the Pointless Bartender about how things with Jumpin’ Jack Flash Bobby may not be the same since they’re no longer in Vegas. Uh, I think they may not be the same because the season is officially over and we’re 28 minutes away from the crew tearing down the set.
- Oh yeah, Steve Sanders and Brody are friends again. I almost forgot and by “almost forgot” I mean “poured 3 gallons of bleach into my eyes and ears until I erased the memory of this show.” The Ernie and Bert of our generation are shooting hoops and talking about how Heidi is trying to kidnap Spencer’s sperm. It shouldn’t be too hard for Heidi to “kidnap” sperm. Can’t she just wipe it off Spencer’s chin once Brody leaves? Hey-o!
- Meanwhile, Audrina is shopping with LOser and she’s totally rocking the Freddie Kruger hat again. One, two, Teefs is coming for you. Three, four, better not call Tats Pats a whore. Five, Six, check to see if Jayde has a dick. Seven, Eight, Lo isn’t needed on this show or in life anymore. Fine that one didn’t rhyme but it needed to be said. I can’t even follow what Oddy is trying to tell LOser because all I can see is a hat with buck-teeth chatting. From what I can gather, Audrina is going to…wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….meet up with Justin Bobby to tell him “I’m done” and then storm away. Well, it worked in season’s 2, 3, 4, and 5 part I, so let’s give it a whirl for season 5 part II.
- The field-trip to hell has moved and now we’re at Kristin’s Malibu beach house with her and J Bob. Remember when Jujubes Bobby used to only mumble one or two words per episode? God, well now it’s like he’s reading dialogue from Steal Magnolia’s. All he does it talk about his feelings and how he wants to be with Kristin and blah blah blah. Kristin looks like she’s creating her own dutch-oven with her bikini sweater (??) whilst Justin Bobby the Builder continues on with his monologue. Kristin tells him that she doesn’t want a boyfriend and how things are different now that they’re not in Vegas anymore. Seriously, they were in Vegas for 4 hours and filmed 3 scenes. Give us a break. Anyway, J Bob doesn’t like this and tells Kristin she needs to figure this out (hint, read the script) and he storms off with his short-shorts.
- Follow me children, because now we’re heading off to a magical place called “Heidi and Spencer’s House of Hollywood Hills Horror!” And we have a special guest star. Enzo! Why hasn’t this kid been deported yet? I mean, I make calls to INS daily. So Billy from “Who’s the Boss” and Steve Sanders are playing racing games when Heidi comes walking into the house with her hair plastered to her head and stopping just shy of her flat ass. Steve Sanders and Heidi have an awkward and unnatural conversation about trust and the pharmacist that no one would ever have, ever, in the history of people being alive. Billy from “Who’s the Boss” asks if they’re fighting and I’m praying for a mudslide to take their house right down the F’n hill. I’m sure the genius that is Enzo would think he’s riding Thunder Mountain. Twerp.
- It is now time for Sleezy T’s engagement party. Get on your Sunday best because it’s in the backyard! I bet they’re having Enzo cater this sh*t. Taco Supreme’s for everyone! The meaningless gang cheer Sleezy T on his engagement and on now calling him “Taylor.” Oh, and his fiance had fangs. Legit. Back up your Tivo because I’m pretty sure they’re filming scenes from Twilight at the same time.
- By the way, Frankie tries to remain relevant by saying something about Brody taking the “next step” and “being another Taylor.” Huh? Give this kid subtitles. Actually give everyone subtitles because I’m officially sticking Bingo Daubers in my ears for the remainder of this show.
- Moving on. Jayde is telling Brody that they should be moving forward with their relationship. They’re actually having this conversation 2 inches from each others face. Would anybody please like to tell me when Brody turned into George Michael? I’m waiting for him to flip the table over and start singing, “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” Terrible.
- Grab the box of tissues (and hit yourself over the head with it repeatedly) because Audrina is meeting up with Justice Bobby for a “final goodbye.” Oddy lets him know that this is the last time they will probably ever talk again, but she also leaves all of us with a vocabulary lesson. She says, and I quote, “You’re so selfish. You’re selfish, you’re self-centered. All you care about his yourself.” Yup, that’s pretty much what those words mean there Oddy. And you know when she read the script at first and saw that word she went up to the writers and was like, “Selfish. Can you use it in a sentence?”
- Anyway, I feel like we get to learn a little bit about what really went on between these two because Jasper Jean Bobby lets us know that they wouldn’t even see each other for 4 or 5 months at a time (aka, in between seasons) and then they would hang out once and Audrina would ask what they were (aka, during filming). For a split second Audrina looks at the camera like she’s been caught. I caught you, you little bitch, I caught you!
- Audrina ends things by saying that Justin Bobby is going to turn into a lonely old man. She then quickly says “I wish you the best, Justin” but it kinda sounds like, “I shit in a dress, Justin.” I prefer for her to say the later.
- Now let’s wrap up this whole, Steve Sander/Heidi/Baby pretend story. Steve Sanders confronts Heidi about finding a pregnancy test in the trash. Let down. The only thing I want to find in her trash is her baby. Anyway, Steve Sanders decides that one day he does want to have a baby and Heidi tries to smile without having her entire face cave in. I wish these 2 the best and by that I really mean, “I’ll shit in a dress.”
- Back at Brody’s condo, Brody tells Taylor the Sleeze and Frankie that he’s going to end things with Jayde and her button eyes and he may, just may, have feelings for Kristin. I think I speak for America when I say, “WHO GIVES THREE F’s!?!”
- In the end Justin Bobby visits Kristin whilst she packs up her clothes (why isn’t Lo or Stacie folding these for her?) and they both decide to give a relationship a real try. But in order to do this they need to be very honest with each other, according to Kristin. Oh, and they’ll need to have a Season 6 too. That’s a big part of this new relationship working out.
- As the sun sets on the Malibu beach house, they’re playing that song from the movie “Precious.” I’m waiting to hear someone yell out at them, “School ain’t gonna help you none, dummy!” but, alas, it didn’t happen. And my dream died with the sunset.
P.S –> You may have noticed that Holly Montag and Stephanie Pratt were not in this episode or mentioned at all by anyone. This is because they are both overseas fighting simultaneous wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Best of luck and hurry home, skanks!