The Hills Recap: Nothing Happens. No Really, Nothing. Well, Actually, There Was an Old Lady Eating a Salad in the Background in One Scene.

  • Does anyone else feel like The Hills commercials that we see are basically the entire episode itself? The rest of what we see on Monday night is just boring filler. HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag tells Steve Sanders and Heidi that she may want to see Lauren and we are all shocked that Steve Sanders isn’t cool with that idea. In fact, he tells her that while she’s living under his roof there will be no hanging out with Lauren Conrad. This got me to thinking, Steve Sanders would be a horrible father. No really, he would. Terrible. He and Heidi as parents would probably get their kids taken away. They are both terrible horrific people.
  • Just like every crapisode this season, we start with LC and Whitney sitting together face-to-face at “work.” At one point I’m pretty sure Whitney asks Lauren what kind of book that is and LC says it’s just a work book. I have no idea. What a surprise, LC gets a text message from HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag and Whitney has to sit there and pretend she cares who it’s from. HEMM wants to get together with Lauren and, of course, she is all nervous about seeing her because she is the sister of Heidi, her enemy. Oh Lauren, you have so many huge life altering problems in your life. Oh, and by the way, Lehman Brothers basically exploded yesterday and disappeared, gas prices are about $50.45 a gallon, and Tina Turner’s ex-husband Ike just beat the ever loving piss out of Texas. So, yeah, meeting HOlly for coffee should be a big deal.
  • Audrina is actually being filmed at work at her cubicle, which not only is actually decorated with posters, but she also has a legit boombox on her desk too. The MTV props department spares no expense.
  • Hmmm, where have I seen this seen before. Audrina goes into her bosses office who is acting eerily like Lisa Loveless. She’s all business talking about Audrina being her “right-hand man” during a White Tie Affair show. Audrina even gives the same blank stares that Whitney would give Lisa Loveless. At this point, the only difference between Audrina and Whitney? Teeth. Big white huge teeth. Blinding teeth. Beaver teeth. Big white huge blinding beaver teeth. Haha, beaver.
  • HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag meets up with Lauren for coffee and Lauren tells HEEM how pretty she looks, even though technically LC wasn’t looking at her while she was saying it. They, of course, talk about lame Heidi and retarded Steve Sanders. Blah blah blah….HEEM has bug lights hanging off her ears….blah blah blah they have eachothers phone numbers now….blah blah blah. I was more interested in the old lady in the background with the thick eye glasses eating her salad and looking outside. Give her some lines. Hell, give her her own show because this one sucks.
  • Audrina and J Bob are out for dinner and Justin Bobby tells Audrina he likes her dress, to which Audrina (and her teeth) tell him it’s really a skirt. And then she sorta lifts up the skirt and pulls it down at the waist all at the same time. So basically she’s like, “So, J Bob, this is my vagina. Remember that? Perhaps if you splurge for the chocolate molten lava cake for dessert I’ll let you see it again. Hell, if you basically let me get croutons on my salad I’ll show it to you again.”
  • Audrina invites LC to the White Tie Affair show and after party. LC says she’ll go, but the look on her face makes it seem like Audrina asked her to go to Iraq with her and fight in the war. I believe it’s at this exact moment that you can actually see it in Lauren’s eyes that she realizes she’s making $75,000 an episode to deal with this. Suddenly going to the show doesn’t seem so bad.
  • Yowza. That’s all I have to say about the White Tie show. They’re not that bad, but watching Audrina and her boss jump around to the music makes me so embarrassed that I want to deny my US citizenship. Ugh, then Lauren tells Audrina that the band is really good….kinda like how you tell a 4 year old that their drawing of a firetruck is really good….even though you didn’t really know it was supposed to be a firetruck…..and that 4 year old who’s drawing it probably really isn’t your kid anyway….and you’re just waiting for the DNA results to come back in….or a response from the producers of Maury letting you know if you made the show or not. Kinda like that.
  • Justin Bobby never made it to the show, even though Audrina showed him her vaginastein at dinner the night before. LOser officially had no lines in this scene, which is good for us, although she did appear to look douche like and make faces like a true douche. Thanks LOser, please collect your check on the way out.
  • Meanwhile back at Casa de Chin, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag and Heidi are having a talk about HEEM and LC going out for lunch. Heidi is dressed in a beret and such huge purple hoop earings that I’m waiting for Tweety Bird to perch himself onto one of them and just sit there and swing. Hopefully he’ll take a bird dump on her shoulder. Anyway, Heidi continues to use her favorite buzzwords this season: you’re my sister, you’re by best friend, loyalty. HEEM tells Heidi that she can tell that LC misses her. Yeah, kinda like how you miss your Herpes between outbreaks. Just saying.
  • Back at the White Tie after party, Sandy Sanders is grossly flirting with some dude from the band. She asks him if he was a rebel growing up and then she whispers to him that she “secretly” used to have her tongue pierced. Well, looks like the secret is out because there are about 4 cameras around you, and you’re wearing a microphone, and there’s a boom over your head, and you’re on a television show called, “The Hills.” It airs Monday’s at 10 EST. Seen it?
  • Poor Heidi. She has no friends. She’s at Toast having breakfast with her work events coordinator, Kimberly. Heidi is telling Kimberly that she basically misses Lauren and hopes that “Holly will peace everything out.” Use your words, Heidi, use your words.
  • Meanwhile back at “school” Sandy Sanders asks LC is seeing HOlly makes her miss Heidi and while LC does “say” yes we actually see her shake her head “no.” Looks like the editing machine is acting up again.

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