That’s right folks. It’s time for another episode of The Hills. Will Audrina not smile whist talking? Will Lo get interesting? Will Heidi and Spencer melt and conjoin in the hot LA heat? Will Kristin makeout with Stacie? All of these things are not answered on last nights episode of The Hills. Here’s what was answered:
- Brody, Kristin, and her raspy coke rapist voice are out at a bar where people are spinning a wheel to see what kind of shots they won. Kristin rolls her coke eyes when the crowd cheers for the person who won. I roll my eyes when Kristin and Brody start talking about the status of their relationship. At this point I’m already looking around at the people in the background to see what they’re up to, as they are more interesting to me than Kristin and Brody.
- Uh, do the people who run The Hills hire any research people to find what we are and aren’t interested in? For example, I’m also not interested in Audrina chatting it up with Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono about their plans to go out with the whole douche-bag-brigade and hoping that there’s no “drama.” Chaz Bono lets us know that he’ll be wearing his candy thong and reading “Catcher in the Rye.” Well, he either said “Catcher in the Rye” or he was calling Audrina a “C*nt with a Lazy Eye.” It was hard to tell as I was only half paying attention.
- Lo and Stephanie Pratt are walking up the street with their stick legs and Lo asks Steph what she’s been up to, to which Steph answers, “Oh just came back from an AA meeting.” Yeah, you know what? That’s great and all, but when someone asks you what you’ve been up to you can say normal things like, “Nothing much” or “Just keepin’ busy.” You don’t have to tell all your deep dark secrets. I’m not going to answer that question, ever, by saying, “Oh I just took the nasty sh*t because I had some bad food for dinner” and you shouldn’t tell us about AA.
- Stephanie is also looking for love now that she is sober. She feels like she’s finally ready for it, which I believe is code for “I’ve had enough face surgery to land me a man.” Lo is going to set up a double date with her and her boyfriend, their friend Max and Steph. Steph immediately freaks out and asks Lo if she should tell max that Steph doesn’t drink and goes to AA. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Why not forward him some of your most recent DUI’s and mugshots? Have any rashes in your naughty region? Pull your pants down when you meet him and show him your rash instead of shaking hands. Put it all out there and literally put it in his hand.
- Steph is freaked out that Max is going to be concerned that she doesn’t drink and Lo tries to calm her fears. You know what? She should be freaked out. There’s nothing worse than that one person who doesn’t drink. Scratch that, there is. What’s worse is the person who doesn’t drink and then says things like, “I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” Really? Well I do. I also need to drink to make really bad decisions and regret them in the morning. It’s called having a social life? Try it out. Honestly, I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t drink as it would only put a spotlight on my, possibly, excessive drinking and, well, who needs that? I’m also not friends with people who don’t drink. Nope. You see, me and my friends are all co-dependent drunks and we like it that way. So pick up the bottle, Steph, and get yourself interesting and get yourself interesting quick!
- Kristin and Audrina are randomly having boring popcorn and talking boringly about the boring relationship between boring Audrina and boring Chaz Bono. Audrina is glad that she and Chaz Bono “had the talk” about their relationship and then she actually said, “Having a label makes things feel secure.” Um, it does? Yeah, not so much there Oddy. Ask any minority if they like labels. Also do people like labels like: slut, stupid, racist, anti-semitic, baby killer, etc? Didn’t think so. I may not listen to Audrina’s words of wisdom this time around.
- Kristin calls Brody who is out on a date, but Brody puts her into voicemail and Kristin and Audrina react like a hand came through the phone and slapped her in the face. I wish a hand would come through my TV and hit me, relentlessly, until I stopped watching this crap. Either that or it would pick up my remote control and toss it out the window because, God knows, I would never get up off my arse in a million years to change the channel.
- So is Brody’s date actually Lauren Conrad with a brown wig on? No really, is it? The voices are different but she’s doing those same flirty facial expressions and head-tilt that LC used to do. I kind of miss Lauren. I wish she wasn’t dead….to me.
- Audrina and Steph (who looks like she should be on the box of Swiss-Miss) is having coffee and talking about the guy that Lo is setting her up with. Both girls are filled with glee that this guy has a job and a car. Way to reach for the stars! Although they are both stumped by one thing. This dude is a lacrosse player and Stephanie does not know what lacrosse is. However, someone must have scored at 550 on their SATs because Audrina makes the connection and shouts out, “Ok so he’s an athlete.” Good for you Oddy! You shout ’em out like that when you know the answer! I was waiting for a year supply of Rice-a-Roni to start falling from the ceiling. Of course Audrina would be the first to notice that, as her eyes are typically looking up at that direction anyway.
- Steph continues to come up with scenarios on her date that will never happen. She’s freaking out thinking that everyone is going to drink and then her date is going to ask her why she’s not and she’s going to answer “because I have a DUI” and then he’s going to ask about her family and she’s going to have to tell him all about Heidi and Spencer. You know, it would be easier if she handed him a set of DVDs from “The Hills: Seasons 2-6.”
- The whole crew is out at Jane’s House which is more commonly known to me as “da club.” Brody brings out his Lauren Conrad clone, McKaela (yes she actually spells it like that) and Kristin ends up just talking to Lo, Steph, and Oddy. Brody feels like they’re secluding him and LC 2.0 and they decide to leave, but not before yelling at Kristin for not being more friendly to LC 2.0. Kristin calls him a d*ck and then the scene ends. Seriously, we’re 18 minutes into this crap and not only has nothing happened, per usual, but I just realized we haven’t heard from or seen Heidi and Steve Sanders. Ugh, Enzo monopolizes so much of their time!
- The “next day” Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are walking up the street and talking about the Brody/LC 2.0 situation from the night before. I’m not really following along with what they’re saying because Stacie the Pointless Bartender looks like she’s about to puke the whole time and is barely paying attention. Perhaps they’re both on a coke binge. Let’s start that rumor.
- It’s date night for Steph! I hope she threw back a few shots to calm her nerves. Not only do we get to meet Lo’s boyfriend, Scott, but we also get to meet Steph’s date, Max. This poor kid. He has no clue what in the holy hell he’s getting into. My only advice to him, watch your wallet. You’re on a date with a recovering alcoholic and a former shoplifter after all.
- Lo’s boyfriend tells Steph that they’re going to a nice spot at the W Hotel and Steph just blurts out “what!?!” like he just told her that they’re date is going to be putting out an oil rig fire in the Persian Gulf. They all have a laugh over Steph’s reaction and then she slurs the words, “I really like it.” Next she races out the door and yells back, “Come on let’s just go!” Wow, it looks like this date is off to a great start. Oh, and trading booze for “speed” does not still consider you to be “sober.” Just a thought.
- During the date things seem to be going well even though Steph is grilling Max like the way she’ll have to learn how to grill food at the restaurant she’ll be forced to work at after The Hills ends and she’s forced to get a real job that she’s qualified for. Maybe she figured if she asked him a million questions he wouldn’t have time to ask her about the drinking, and family, and criminal record, etc, etc. Even though Steph is only 23, she is a little freaked out that Max is only 24. She wishes he was 30. Well Steph that’s not how it’s going to work out….kinda like the way he wishes you would drink. Get it? In the end they exchange phone numbers and decide to go on their own date next time without Lo and Scott. Great, looks like we’re going to have to see more of Max E. Pad on a future crapisode. Worst ever. This makes me miss Jayde.
- In the end, Kristin goes by Brody’s condo to talk about their relationship and what happened the other night at “da club.” I actually don’t care about any of this and I decided to spend this time pondering the future of television without Brody on it…and it makes me happy. And calm. Happy and calm. Oh something must have happened because Kristin told Brody to shut up and she scriptedly stormed out of his condo/the set.
I’m torn. Now was this the worst episode of the new season so far or was this the worst episode in the history of The Hills? It’s a real toss up. All I know is that when it was over and I had to think about what this crapisode was about I actually had no idea. And you want to know something? I still don’t.