The Hills Recap: Lauren Cries Ugly


Ok so it finally hit me. Finally. I was watching The Hills and kept on trying to figure out who HOlly Montag reminded me of. Of course! The answer was with me the whole time! She is totally Ethel Mertz from I Love Lucy. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Anymertz, here’s what went down on the latest crapisode of The Hills….BUT FIRST, (a little plug) don’t forget to check out IBBB’s Chelsea Handler Interview!. Now, back to The Hills….
  • Phew! Brody was never in jail. He and DouK were just in Hotel Lobby Jail just as I had predicted. Some drunk dude supposedly punched DouK in the chest (although he started to say stomach) and then Brody and DouK spent 5 hours pressing charges. Please. You know the guy just probably asked them for a picture and then they pressed charges. Douches.
  • Aww The Douche Bag Bunch are packing up and leaving Vegas and Audrina wants to “have a talk” with Lauren…..not now, but later. Why do I think that this “unscripted” conversation will take place the last 3 minutes of the episode?
  • Gross. Why do we need to see a shot of HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag painting her toes? I’d rather see the inside of Heidi’s horse’s asshole that lives in Crested Butte. Eh, they’re both basically the same thing.
  • Seriously, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is the worst actress. It’s like she’s a robot. She’s like. H-o-w a-r-e y-o-u-d-o-i-n-g. I’m waiting her for to be like, “oil can” out of the side of her mouth.
  • Steve Sanders finally (in 2 seconds of him arriving) tells HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag that he and Heidi want her to move out. HEMM stands up and says, “fine, I’m out right now” and she just grabs her purse and leaves. Um, don’t you have any clothes to pack or did you really just show up at Casa de Chin with the clothes on your back and your nail polish? Either way, adios. Take care. Brush the horse for me when you get back to The Butte.
  • When HEMM leaves, Steve Sanders does this weird shaking thing with his hands. I’m pretty sure that hand movement allows his white beard to grow and extra inch each time he does it. Well, it’s either that or it allows his balls to drop. It’s 50/50 at this point.
  • Lauren shows up to “work” at Pubic Revolution like she just finished filming a marathon gang-bang video. Of course, they immediately start talking about Lauren. Blah blah blah I need to talk to Audrina…..blah blah blah make these jeans look worn.
  • Justin Bobby is a real stand up kind of guy. Whilst out at a dinner in which you cook your food at your table (lame), J Bob tells Audrina that if she ever needs anything or a place to stay while the stuff with Lauren goes down, he’s there for her. For some of you newer kids, let me translate that for you. He’s letting Audrina know that he’s available for “mustache rides” morning, noon, and night. And then morning again. And then noon. Oh, and then night. Oh, and a dirty sanchez is negotiable. Justin Bobby’s a helper.
  • Did anyone see the dude in the background during their conversation keep looking at their table? That would have totally been me in the background, except I would have been yelling over to their table, “What? Can you guys talk louder? I can barely eavesdrop on your conversation when you’re talking at a regular level and I’m all the way over here. Thanks!”
  • Ok, so I’m over the whole “MTV edits the crap out of this show.” I really am. It’s known. I’m fine with it. Let’s move on. But before me move on, let’s discuss the scene where LC and Whitney are “working” at Pubic Revolution and Audrina just happens to text message LC. When LC tells Whitney that Audrina text messaged her, Whitney’s head is up at attention. Then when they show LC again, Whitney’s head is all the way back down writing something. Then it’s back up. And then it’s back at that starting position again. It’s really so bad, it’s actually kind of funny. Funny, like clubbing baby seals is funny. You don’t want to laugh, but you’re like whoa that seal just got hit on the head like a cartoon. Next time you watch it, look for it. It’s weird. That’ll be all. Class dismissed.
  • Kelly CUNTrone lets Whitney style Lady Gaga at Area that night and Lauren gets to be Whitney’s bitch. You know that killed Lauren, except the fact that Lauren knows she makes more money than Whitney. Oh and Lady Gaga? Seriously? Worst ever.
  • The scene where Heidi gets home and is looking for HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag at the apartment and Steve Sanders and her fight is so staged I can’t even take it. I think it pisses me off because it’s stupidly staged. Like who cares if HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag lives there or not? Who cares if Heidi and Steve Sanders are fighting over it? It’s all pointless. Stage something good. Stage something like Heidi choking Steve Sanders or Heidi getting pregnant or something. Don’t stage a pointless fight over crap that no one cares about.
  • LOser is a retard. Fill in the blank with the rest.
  • So, uh, Whitney got to style Lady Gaga. So, is Whitney to blame for Lady Gaga looking like a complete horses ass? Lady Gaga’s fat ass almost breaks the zipper, but Lauren comes to the rescue and fixes it. Thank God she was there or this situation really could have gotten out of hand. Hell, Area probably would have had to file for Chapter 11 and close its doors for good.
  • When HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag and Heidi are talking about their issues they keep jumping from HEEM to Heidi and then back from Heidi to HEMM. It’s like a constant “before and after.” This is what Heidi looked like before and this is what Heidi looks like now. The two douche-bag sisters say I love you, hug it out, and all is well with the world. Their fake blond hair combine and I feel a sense of inner peace.
  • Ok, so the moment we’ve all been waiting for (or not really). And I was right, Audrina and LC are having their “talk” with about 4 minutes left in the show.
  • Lauren thinks she’s been trying to talk to Audrina and Audrina thinks she’s been trying to talk to Lauren. Sweet, here comes the tears! You know the producer is standing in the background and holding up pictures of Lauren’s parents with ropes around their neck and her family dog in a headlock just to get those tears steaming down her face. It’s working! It’s working!
  • LC is pissed that Audrina never asks her to hang out and Audrina says that LC doesn’t like to do anything Audrina does (i.e Justin Bobby mustache rides). Oh crap, now Audrina is starting to cry. Amazingly enough when she starts to cry her upper lip gets even smaller. Didn’t think it was possible, but apparently it is.
  • Lauren is right about one thing. She’s lost another friend. I think she should be having that “Be My BFF” show, not Paris Hilton.
  • Audrina doesn’t want Lauren to focus on the past and they both need to start fresh. Audrina, with tears in her dead eyes, says that it’s like everyone doesn’t want them to be friends. No, Audrina, not everyone…just me. I don’t want you two to be friends. However, don’t do this for me, do this for you. I now think you guys should be friends because, let’s face it, this story line blows.
  • Lauren begs for the friendship back to which Audrina replies, “Ok let’s just do it.” Yeah, that’s something you say when you’re drunk and someone says, “Let’s go skinny dipping” or “Let’s get a tattoo.” You don’t really say that when someone says “Let’s be friends again.”
  • Well Lauren and Audrina hug it out and they are friends again. Sleep well America, another crisis diverted!

Now don’t forget to check out IBBB’s Chelsea Handler interview!. Leave some comments, pass it on to your friends, print it out and frame it and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to do more of these in the future.

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