Who loves the new opening of The Hills? I do, but mainly because I’m pretty sure they’re making fun of them in almost every shot. And, obviously, I like that. Here’s what went down last night on The Hills….
- The crapisode kicks off with Sandy Sanders stopping by Casa de Chin to discuss Heidi’s ex-boyfriend in Crested Butte because, you know, that’s a believable storyline. Most noteworthy is the fact that Sandy Sanders is dressed like Bea Arthur from Maude. Sure, Steve Sanders equates her to a train conductor but that’s a “lay-up” joke. It takes real skill to pull a Maude reference out of your ass at 10:01 at night.
- Sweet! We’re back at Pubic Revolution! I love how Kelly CUNTrone’s office is in the attic of the building. Perfect fit. You know that she has a staff of rats typing her emails for her who are all wearing little black leather coats. At least that’s how I picture things up in her attic. Anystringyhair, Kelly is looking for a new intern to replace the ever-talented Whitney Port and Lauren (who isn’t wearing black, yet Kelly likes her shirt) just may know someone who is right for the job and by “right for the job” I really mean “who the producers already worked out the storyline and cleared it with both Lauren and Kelly and the lawyers.”
- Lauren and Sandy Sanders head out to Tart (fitting) to have a light lunch and talk about all the wondrous opportunities at Pubic Revolution. The conversation is pretty boring although we do learn two things. (1) Sandy Sanders apparently is already doing an internship (because you don’t get more experience in the business by doing an internship than perhaps being on an internationally successful television show) and (2) Lauren’s mustache is much lighter this week. I actually wouldn’t have really noticed it until she said she was hungry and placed her finger directly onto the ‘stache area and I was like “oh yeah, there it is!”
- Seriously, Lauren and Sandy Sanders say the word “internship” about 6 times during their 2 minute conversation. It was awkward to hear that word so many times. I guess with the recession, etc The Hills must have had to let go of some writers. Lauren was like “Don’t worry, I can totally improv this scene……I’ll use buzzwords like “internship” to make this conversation sound more official.”
- Back at Casa de Chin, Heidi and Steve Sanders are fighting about Heidi “going out with her ex-boyfriend in Crested Butte” and Steve Sanders “taking shots with the bartender.” I am so confused by this fight, and not just because Heidi’s lips are so inflated and shiny that they hypnotize me into thinking I’m floating on a raft in Cabo San Lucas. Ole! Also, why are they making that ex-boyfriend, probably from the 2nd grade, and the bartender into an actual storyline? Next week Steve Sanders is going to be pissed at Heidi for cheating on him with the homeless dude that Heidi gave spare change to. Ridiculous. Although, that would be an interesting storyline because in my mind that homesless dude ends up being Justin Bobby.
- Sidenote, these two can’t fight without laughing and smirking at the insanity of the questions and acting skills from Heidi. Why doesn’t someone yell “cut” and say, oh I don’t know, “Can we do this again without you two laughing during it?”
- It’s interview day for Sandy Sanders at Pubic Revolution! Yes! Lauren, for some reason, has a flower hot-glue-gunned to her hair. Sandy Sanders is literally shatting herself over this interview, which is great! I totally think she should pass Kelly her skid-marked underwear during the interview. Who’s with me? Crickets?
- Seriously, it’s gotta be hotter than a cats crotch up in that attic that Kelly works out of.
- Awesome! Sandy Sanders brought her resume and passed it to Kelly in an envelope. I would have been like, “Just mail it to me.” However, Kelly trumped my thoughts by letting Sandy know that she doesn’t typically read resumes, to which Sandy states her “Final Objective in Life” is to have her own handbag line. Wow. That’s it? When Sandy Sanders is at the gates of heaven and Jesus is deciding on whether or not to send her to hell, you know he’s going to ask her if she completed her “Final Objective in Life.” That’s a lot of pressure.
- I would like to say that I do NOT believe this interview scene is scripted because Sandy literally looks like she’s going to puke and Kelly is, well, Kelly is just brilliant. She calls Sandy out for using her business to whore out a handbag line and Sandy replies that she would like to achieve that goal in about a decade. Brilliant. Kelly informs her that she’ll have to move a lot faster than that. I only wished she told her that The Hills will be over in about 3 months and she’ll return to being an anonymous meth-stealer so she better get on that handbag line in the next 12 minutes.
- Sandy Sanders is bombing the piss out of this interview and I love it. She doesn’t know what labels are and doesn’t know how to create them on a computer. She looks blankly into the air when Kelly starts speaking French to her. Kelly tells her that there is no crying in the office at any time.
- The final blow is when Sandy says that she’s ready for this job, to which Kelly replies, “Not by this resume, honey. Not by this resume.” Bravo! Bravo! Someone should have thrown roses at Kelly after she said that and a curtain should have dropped and the show should have been over. Yes, they should have ended it 14 minutes into it. Kelly is the best thing that has happened to television since Nell Carter on “Gimme a Break.”
- Meanwhile, Steve Sanders and Charlie are heading out to “da club” and we get to witness Charlie dancing in the car. They plan on meeting up with Stacie, the bartender, at “da club.” Heidi and Sandy Sanders decide to go and stalk Steve Sanders and Charlie and see what he’s up to. How ever will they find him? Hmmmm, I wonder.
- Steve, Charlie, Stacie and her friends are all in the VIP area doing shots and toasting the lovely Heidi when all of a sudden Heidi enters the scene and reads her scripted lines. Some of these lines contain the “F” word. Block your ears, kids, because The Hills is becoming rated R.
- Heidi asks Steve if he and Stacie are “dating and having more shots.” I’m not sure where the shots come into the argument, but apparently it makes perfect sense to Heidi. Heidi also disses Charlie, Ricki Lake, style and then Sandy Sanders chimes in telling Stacie she looks like a slut, is a home-wrecker, and should wear some pants. Stacie, quick on her feet, tells Sandy that she looks like a dog and is wearing fur. As Sandy Sanders and Heidi walk away some drunk dude in the background waves “bye” to them. Awesome!
- The next day Heidi tells Sandy that she’s breaking up with Steve. Uh, they do know that we don’t believe this, right? Perhaps Heidi should stay off the “Twitter” so that we can possibly maybe almost a little believe that they’re on a break.
- Kelly CUNTrone and Lauren (minus the ‘stache) debrief on the brilliant interview of Sandy Sanders. For some reason when Kelly smiles it looks like she just finished a bottle of Merlot because her teeth look black. Creepy. I still love her though. Anyway, Kelly informs Lauren that she’ll be responsible for Sandy Sanders and if she screws up Lauren is the one to fire her. You know Lauren couldn’t give 4 craps because she’s outta here in about 7 more episodes and probably would be fine with the entire set burning down.
- Kelly Quote of the Day: “You may wanna kiss her on the cheek, but put a gun to her back to make sure she stands up straight.”
- In the final scene (finally) Heidi and Steve Sanders discuss seeing a therapist and Steve wants no part of it. This is f’n stupid. A therapist because he took shots with a bartender? Really? Kill yourself.
- Heidi is so disgusted by the “relationship” between Steve and Stacie that Heidi is breaking up unless he agrees to go to the therapist. Blah. They should just do “murder suicide” and call it a day.
The End!
