The Hills Recap: Holly Moves in With Lauren, Everyone Drinks, I Die a Little More Inside

WARNING!!! What an absolute nightmare this episode is. It’s like they didn’t even try this time. I would have rather watched Kelly CUNTrone give herself an enema whilst wearing all black then watch this crap. Regardless, here’s what went down last night on The Hills….Jesus be with me:
  • Once again we begin with Whitney and Lauren “working”at Pubic Revolution. Whitney informs us that she still has been talkinK with Ozzy Bobby (Jay, the musician). Lauren allows Whitney to say one full complete sentence before she jumps in and alerts Whitney that Holly is “crashing” at LC’s place. Whitney says probably the most profound thinK she has ever said to this day about Holly: “She’s like Heidi without the Spencer.” Someone toss that on a t-shirt and lets call it a day.
  • Oh Jesus. Audrina and Justin Bobby are walking up the street in Venice Beach. I’m not even sure if it’s J Bob. The producers probably just grabbed some homeless dude off the street and was like, “Here, wear this hat and talk to the girl with the big rack and ultra-white teeth. Don’t worry if it looks like she’s looking at the sky the whole time….she’s…uh…praying.” Roll ’em!
  • Ugh, these two again. There are more scenes this season of Heidi hanging up clothes in her bedroom while Steve Sanders stands there and they faux-fight. Seriously? There’s nothing better they can come up with then this? Heidi is very concerned about the whereabouts of Holly because “she doesn’t even know where she is.” Really? Pick up an Us Weekly. That’s a good start. If you can’t find her there, check out Perez Hilton. He may know. If he doesn’t, maybe check out the green-room down the hall from the set of your apartment and see if she’s in there practicing her lines for the current episode. If not, check the stomach of your horse from Crested Butte because, well, if my plan worked she may be in there. It’s a long story.
  • Later, Lauren and Audrina go out to have drinks and they talk about how awesome they are. As if the dialogue can’t bet worse, they reinforce it with sub-titles. Thanks “Hills!” Yawn. I’m over this scene. Unless Audrina’s rack falls out of her shirt and onto the bar I’m moving on. Oh wait did it just fall out? Ugh. No. Close though.
  • I love when Teef and Tats Patridge have scenes together. Tats Pat has the longest teeth I’ve ever seen. They’re so long I think it effects her voice. No joke. She kinda has 60 year old butch lesbian voice. Anyone with me on that? Anyone? Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. Anyway, they talk about J Bob and him leaving his toothbrush at Audrina’s new house of horror. He only leaves it there because he doesn’t use it/need it. I assume he’d leave soap there too.
  • Heidi heads to Crackhouse to meet with Sam to try and get a job. She introduces herself to the receptionist, as if the receptionist has no clue what’s going on. I will guess that the camera crew filming her may have given her the heads up that Heidi from “The Hills” will be stopping by in about 3 seconds and that’s why there’s an actual camera crew in front of her right now. Oh, and someone needs to teach Heidi how “not” to look at the camera. I’ve caught her about 4 times this crapisode already.
  • So does Sam work in an elevator? Because the door to his office opens like one. And uh, why is his computer monitor facing me? How does he use it if it’s turned around? I hate this. I hate me.
  • Sam hires Heidi on a trial basis and doesn’t want to see Steve Sanders ever at an event. Is this shit for real? He’s supposed to be this high-powered businessman and he’s talking to his non-college-educated-douche-bag-low-level-worker about her boyfriend. If there is stock for SBE, sell it now. That place should be tanking soon.
  • Sandy Sanders and Lauren are at “school” for about 3 seconds. They’re sitting on white leather lounge chairs. Are the filming this in outerspace? Sandy Sanders hair looks like the Cowardly Lion’s. That is all.
  • Holly is back at Casa de Misery with Lauren and LOser. For the 15th time this episode the cast is drinking. Again, watching this show any other way than drunk is just plain old stupid. Holly is supposed to be 25, but I think someone forgot to “carry the 1” when doing the math. She looks closer to 35. Maybe it’s the mom haircut she has. One may never know.
  • Meanwhile back at Casa de Chin, Sandy Sanders shows up to film her scenes with Heidi and Steve Sanders. Sandy Sanders spills the scripted beans that scripted Holly is scriptedly living with scripted LC and LOser at scripted Casa de Misery. Steve Sanders and Heidi are scriptedly shocked when they hear this. Heidi checks the script and asks Sandy Sanders why Holly would move in with LC and Sandy informs everyone that Holly was “homeless” and who would say no to a homeless person. Um, I say no to homeless people every single day. It’s easy.
  • Steve Sanders and Heidi continue to faux-fight. He calls Darlene Montag a stalker mom. When Heidi tries to defend her family she looks like she’s trying to take a crap. Heidi then calls Steve Sanders an ass and that he may be the problem. She’s half right. But I’m the ass for watching this show and this show is actually the problem. There’s a difference.
  • Finally (thank Jesus Claus) Justin Bobby and Audrina are at dinner wearing all leather, sitting on leather chairs, in what I can only assume is a dungeon. J Bob is sporting a black hood with a black hat. Imagine sitting next to that crap? This is just another reason why I carry a baseball bat with me wherever I go.
  • J Bob gives Audrina a white shirt and instructs her to wear it without a bra. I’m pretty sure he calls her “dude” after that. Good job, J Bob, someone will be getting a little Oddrina head tonight thanks to that shirt! Carrrreful for her teeth though….sometimes she hurts when she does it. So I’ve heard.

I stand corrected from the past. THIS was the worst episode ever. Although next week looks good! It’s the episode where Audrina claims that Lauren banged Justin Bobby. There are a lot of tears, f bombs, and LC tells Audrina that she’s worse than f’n Heidi. Didn’t this crap just happen like 2 weeks ago in real life? Are they filming this in real-time now? Oh, they should totally have some live episodes. That would be great!

So what did you guys think of this episode? Yawnsville?

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