The Hills Recap: Happy 25th Birthday, Teefs!

the-hills-boat-cruise-party

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The Hills has been on for about 15 years and Audrina is just turning 25?  Was she a fetus when they cast her?  A fetus with beaver teeth, of course.  This time around the whole gang will be celebrating Audrina’s 25th birthday on a boat.  The entire episode is basically centered around this.  I can’t wait for the episode where the whole thing is focused around making muffins.  Here’s what went down last night on Da Hills:

  • All the girls head out to lunch wearing black coats like they’re either in a trash-bag biker gang or they’re all on their way to start interviewing for entry level jobs at the local employment agency since their current full-time job (being douches on TV) is coming to a close.
  • It’s going to be Audrina’s 25th birthday (how the hell old am I) and Steph comes out with a random idea of going on a boat ride in Marina del Rey which I believe is Spanish for, “The producers are renting us a boat.”  Also, you can tell how old Audrina is by the length of her teeth…it’s similar to counting the rings on a tree.
  • Later LOser, Raspy Coke Voice, and Sandy Sanders all head out to by Teefs Pats a birthday gift…or several birthday gifts.  They’re deciding between jewelry and a dress.  I’m shocked Steph Pratt is even allowed in stores due to her shoplifting past and, well, I heard once you shoplift, one store tells another and so on and so on and so on until you’re banned from all stores.  Was I misinformed?  Anyscript, Steph should steal Audrina some jewelry for her gift or maybe just rip a ring off the finger of an old lady walking down the street.  Whatever is easier and works best with Steph’s hectic schedule.
  • Lo doesn’t know if they should invite Justin Bobby to the boat party from hell because she doesn’t want J Bob and/or Audrina to think there’s “an opening” with them.  Uh, it’s Audrina.  There’s always an opening.  Hey-oh!
  • Meanwhile at “da beach” Frankie (ugh), Brody, and Sleezy T are sitting on the sand and gossiping like a bunch of teenage girls all synced up on their period.  So dumb.  The only smart thing Brody says is that McKaela is insane.  That I believe.  I truly believe that McKaela not only thinks she’s a main cast member on this show, but that she really is actually Lauren Conrad.  I’m sure we’ll see her rubbing Rogaine on her upper lip just to try and match the ‘stache.  Sidenote, that should totally be a new gameshow: “Match….That….’Stache!”  I’ll host.
  • Later that night everyone heads out to “da club” so that this show can contain more scenes than: “shopping in store” and “sitting on sand.”  Brody decides it’s best to be wearing a winter hat and t-shirt at “da club” and Spencer’s friend, Charlie, is in a full on suit and tie with his hair slicked back into a tight wet ponytail, just the way Tyra Banks likes it.  Let that sentence simmer for a smidge.
  • For someone who’s a “recovering alcoholic” Stephanie Pratt really does frequent a lot of bars and clubs.  Isn’t that like a hoarder going to a junkyard?
  • HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is lurking in the background with what looks like a blond fright wig and sipping on her drink.  I know they’ve decided to cut out Heidi and Steve Sanders from this show, but why take away all of Holly’s lines?  I mean, when she’s drunk is when we get the best material.  Sad, really.
  • LC 2.0 shows up with Allie Triple Lutz because, you know, it’s come to this.  LC 2.0 doesn’t want to go over to where Brody and crew are hanging out, but Allie Triple Lutz heads over to talk to a drunken Kristin.  I love when Kristin is drunk.  When she’s drunk she’s hotter, funnier, smarter, and an all around better person.  Wait, is that when she’s drunk or when I’m drunk?  I forget.  All I know is that Kristin is wrapped up in Slurfest 2010 whilst chatting with Allie.  She’s at that drunken point where you have a delayed reaction.  Example:  Allie Triple Lutz and Kristin are slur-yelling (or slurlling) at each other and Allie puts her hand on Kristin’s coke wrist.  Kristin puts up both hands, like she’s being robbed, and starts slurlling, “Don’t f’n touch me!”  She then does this hand wave by Allie’s face and that ends that.  Seriously, there should be a clause in their contract that states that all cast members must be drunk at least 99.9998% of the time.  Technically we all should be.
  • The “next day” Kristin shows up to SmashHerBox Studios to visit Lo.  I believe this is the first time Kristin has ever been in an office.  LC 2.0’s back is to Kristin, yet Kristin just stands there and says, “McKaela, is Lo around?”  How the hell did she know it was McKaela by the back of her head?!  I’m sure the answer to that is “because they shot this same scene 5 times.”
  • LC 2.0 apologizes for “the other night,” but wants to know if Kristin doesn’t like her because of Allie Triple Lutz or because she’s “dating Brody.”  Seriously LC 2.0 is a little crazy.  She really thinks she’s still dating Brody.  That’s sweet.  I wonder how many months from now when The Hills is over LC 2.0 is going to be puking in a dumpster behind Le Douche and slurring to the cops, ‘Do you know who I am?  I was McKaela on The Hills, God damn it!”
  • Seconds later LC 2.0 and Kristin get into a little tiff about who’s life is more pathetic because this fight is their biggest problem.  I’m confused, but mainly bored.
  • Oddy heads over to Chaz Bono’s new house to drink a glass of red wine and break up with him in front of an audience of about 2 million people (give or take a million).  You can tell Chaz is upset by the way the conversation is going by the way his spikes seem to slowly be falling “on the way down” when Audrina speaks.  Speaking of which, why are they both talking in “stop/start” sentences right now?  They’re like, “I don’t. Know how to. Fix.  Like. The Problem.”  And then Audrina replies with, “It’s just. Like. Something. That.  I guess.”  Seriously, I’m getting their addresses and showing up to their houses on Monday’s, Wednesday’s, and Friday’s to do flash cards.
  • Puke Alert:  Justin Bobby shows up to meet Kristin for dinner and both are wearing cut-off shirts.  J Bob has a cut-off flannel and Kristin is wearing a cut-off jean jacket (or dungaree jacket as my parents would say).  Basically they’re both dressed like they should be chewing on hay and banging their sibling, but I digress.
  • Kristin lets J Bob know that Audrina’s birthday is coming up to which J Bobert asks, “Is it today?”  Uh, didn’t he date her for like 4 years?  Anyway, J Bob is invited to the boat party and Kristin lets him know that Chaz Bono may be out of the picture.  More to the conversation could have taken place, but I was hypnotized by the fact that they’re both wearing cut-off shirts in 2010.
  • The “next day” Oddy heads over to Kristin’s coke den to talk about the fact that she broke up with Chaz Bono and that he/she keeps texting Oddy like a big bitch basically begging her to reconsider.  I’m sure he’s more upset by the fact that he’s off the show they’re filming called “The Hills.”  I’m sure right after he text messaged Audrina he then goes through is contact list and starts sorting to “S” for Simpson, Ashlee to see how her marriage is and if she has any future reality shows in the works.
  • It’s the day of the big birthday boat party for Audrina “Teefs” Patridge.  And they really got a beautiful day weather-wise.  See how I just said that to make myself feel better for having the initial thought that I hoped that their boat sank and this episode, therefore, became the series finale?  Yeah, so what a beautiful day for all of them!
  • Oddy is being a birthday downer on this boat party by talking about how Chaz won’t let the breakup go.  Boring.
  • At one point, Justin Bobby is driving this boat which increases the chances that they’ll hit an iceberg and all my dreams will come true.
  • Meanwhile, the whole gang is downstairs in the boat so that they can surprise Oddy with cupcakes with candles in them.  This is nothing like Lauren’s birthday boat cruise surprise that they had a few seasons ago.  I miss her.  I miss her ‘stache.  I miss her her Cheshire Cat smile.  I love your smile, do do do do do do, do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do do do.  I love your smile. I really do. (credit: Shanice)
  • After Oddy blows out her candles, Brody announces that “da boys” are going to Costa Rica and now the girls think they might go too.  Seriously, who doesn’t work?  Everyone can just drop and go to Costa Rica “next week” like it’s no big deal.  Brody says that what’s great about Costa Rica is that LC 2.0 and Allie Triple Lutz won’t be there and then Kristin half looks into the camera and says, “I guarantee they will be.”  You know what Kristin?  The same way I knew you would be showing up at Heidi and Spencer’s wedding just so the producers could stick it to Conrad one last time, you’re right, I guarantee that LC 2.0 and Allie Triple will be there too.  Surprise!  Is this show over yet?
  • In the end, Oddy sits at the bow (I have no idea) with Justin Bobby to talk relationships, what they’ve learned from past love, and if they’re in the right place right now.  They might have talked about the war, but I have no idea as I was looking at the clock and it said 10:30 and I was pissed that this show didn’t end right at 10:30 and why I must suffer with an extra minute of this.  10:31.  Ok done.

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