The Hills Recap: Darlene Montag Totally Sweats Spencer

My fellow Americans (sorry Canada) I address you today as our economy has hit tilt on the “Oh-Shit-o-Meter,” the stock market is literally in the toilet and covered with that blue stuff that makes your water a nice color, and my 401K is basically at $0.14. The good news is that I’m not entirely sure what my 401K is for, so I’m not really missing the money. The point is, is that with all of the terrible things happening it really puts into perspective what really is important in this world. The Hills is important. Darlene Montag is important. LOser being a bitch is completely important. Trying to figure out exactly what Steve Sanders does during the day is important. Heidi’s new chin is important. Heidi’s new boobs are important. Heidi’s new fake lips are important. Heidi’s new nose is important. The strange and premature aging lines under Lauren’s eyes that the light always seems to hit just right when she’s out to dinner are important. These are all things that are important. The economy? It’ll fix itself. The Hills? It’s not going to watch itself, so it is up to us, as Americans (mostly illegal I’m sure) to watch The Hills and forget about who’s running for what and who can see what country from their own backyard.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program…’s what went down, last night, on The Hills.

  • Jarret is back! How did he and Whitney never make it work? They’re perfect for each other. They’re like the same person. Jarret is giving advice about Sandy Sanders and DouK to Lauren and you know that Whitney was thinking, “Hey wait, that’s my line!” Meanwhile Lauren is throwing punches like she’s swatting fruit-flies away from her hoo-ha and Whitney is doing about 11 oz curls with her dumbbells, which I will now call “Whitbells.”
  • Wait. MTV is blowing Britney Spears the same way that Us Weekly blows The Hills. They’re playing Britney’s new song, “Womanizer” that just premiered on the radio about 12 hours ago. Wow and they’re playing about 2 minutes of the song. Now, is the song called Womanizer? I wasn’t sure. I mean, she says, “Womanizer” about 34 times in the first 14 seconds so I wasn’t entirely sure I understood.
  • Why does Sandy Sanders tell Lauren, at school, that she’s so “pink” while looking down towards her crotch? I hear that girls share a lot with each other, but this brings it to a whole new level. Regardless, Lauren’s mustache is back! Hooray!
  • Holy editing machine! What in the holy hell is Sandy Sanders and Lauren talking about? I can’t follow this conversation to save my life. LC is confronting or “fauxfronting” Sandy Sanders about her filmed and televised date with DouK and Sandy Sanders is stumbling over her words, stuttering, and making no sense whatsoever. She sounds like a little girl that was caught cheating on her Social Studies test and is trying to explain the the teacher that is was all a misunderstanding…..meanwhile you can totally still see the answers written all up her arm.
  • Just to recap: Sandy Sanders deleted DouK’s number from her cell, then he called her a bunch of times and she had many missed calls, then he invited her to his party (which she is going), but that was a long time ago before they became friends. This, kids, is a lesson on why doing meth at any time in your life is not a good idea. You will become Sandy Sanders eventually and that’s not a good thing. Jodie Sweetin just got lucky.
  • Surprise! Darlene Montag is in the mother-f’n hizouse! Steve Sanders is thrilled, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is making cupcakes, and Heidi is excited that it’s her birthday all while reflecting on the concept that she’s turning 22 yet half her body is only 2 years old.
  • Meanwhile, DouK and Sandy Sanders are grabbing a drink and hatching a plan about what to say to Lauren about their fauxlationship. Again, perhaps they don’t realize that they are mic’d up, there are cameras around them, and they’re on a show called The Hills that will air their conversation and plan. The “date” ends with DouK asking Sandy Sanders what she’s doing after this and if it’s a movie night or a DVD night. That’s code word for “Can I drop my Blockbuster video down your 24-hour return hatch?” If Sandy Sanders gets pregnant they’re going to have the f’n stupidest kids who, in the end, will end up working at Blockbuster Video. Just a thought.
  • Poor Whitney. Not only does she have to report to Kelly CUNTrone, but she also has to listen to all the craptastic details of Lauren’s life. At least we get to see Whitney make awkward faces and mispronounce words. I can’t wait for her spinoff!
  • Woo hoo it’s the lunch date with Steve Sanders and Darlene. Darlene sits exactly like Heidi does. Dude, even though this crap is scripted and staged Steve Sanders is a complete douche-bag to Darlene. It makes it even worse that Darlene, as a human, would agree to be treated like a coke-whore on national television. Darlene calls Steve Sanders rude, condescending, very hostile, and manipulative. Oh God. Darlene totally wants to get in his pants. It all makes sense now! Seriously, if someone was talking to my mom like that she wouldn’t be so calm. She would have ripped them a new one. Darlene could have scored way more point with the viewers if only she had dropped an f-bomb or two and threw her water in his face and trotted off. This episode was so close to being good.
  • Meanwhile back at DouK’s party Frankie is hammered as usual and Lauren is on her way to slurred word city! Finally! Watching these fools any other way than drunk is just boring.
  • Whitney is literally wearing my grandmothers bathing suit and she’s even sporting some type of suede ankle warmers of some sort. DouK cannonballs his drunken ass into the pool which totally drenches Whitney and the gang and Whitney reacts like she’s just been hit by a bullet during a driveby shooting. She then spits out the water in her mouth onto the pool deck. Totally hot. DouK tries to fauxpologize to Whitney, but she’s says she doesn’t know him and doesn’t want to know him. Rude. He should have been like, “Oh yeah, well my name is Doug not DouK, retard.”
  • How appropriate. Darlene and Heidi are having lunch at a place called, “Tart” Hmm, fitting. Darlene and Heidi are fighting about Steve Sanders and their relationship. OH YEAH HERE IT COMES!!!! Darlene is starting to cry about losing Heidi. Can I say that I actually think that this part is real because the camera literally zooms into her face (which they NEVER do) and Heidi says, “mom” in a way that’s kinda like, “wow you must be a real good actress because your cue cards don’t even say to cry.” I mean, I’m sure there’s a producer standing behind Heidi showing Darlene pictures of her horse from Crested Butte getting its head cut off and being turned into glue, but she’s still crying nonetheless. I’m sure she’s not crying as much about losing Heidi to Steve Sanders as she is crying over the fact that her daughter is complete joke that most people in America and overseas think is an actual money-hungry-whore. That’s something to cry about. Well, that and horse being turned into glue. Unless it’s Elmer’s glue. Then it should be a celebration of the horses life, not death. What?!
  • Meanwhile back at DouK’s douche-party, DouK has pictures of himself all over his place. Oh, and not like photographs, I’m talking actual pencil sketches, oil paintings, etc.
  • DouK throws Sandy Sanders under the bus and now they’re fighting over whether they went out for two dinners or 1 dinner and 1 coffee. Clearly, 2 dinners is not ok, but 1 dinner and 1 coffee is acceptable. Young children, are you taking notes on this?
  • So DouK’s a dick, but let me say that I liked him about 99% better when he actually said to Lauren, “You’re like my ex-fling….wh-wha-what is that!?” Sweet! I’d say that part was not scripted. Basically, like we all knew, DouK was just banging LC and wouldn’t even give her the title of “dating.” I love it. While Lauren peaces out, all of a sudden you see LOser sitting next to Brody. Where the hell did she come from? It’s like when that little kid ghost appeared in “3 Men and a Baby.” Remember that kid?
  • Sandy Sanders cues the waterworks and continues tripping over her words to LC. LC is dumb enough to try and dry her tears. Now is Sandy Sanders crying over what happened or is Lauren’s mustache really starting to scare her? It’s a real toss up at this point.
  • Sandy Sanders starts telling tall tales about why she and DouK went for coffee and then Lauren (and the editing machine) stop her from continuing the pointless lies and Sandy just blurts out, “I’m so sorry.” You know that if they’re watching this episode they’re both like, “Did we even have a conversation about that? None of this happened. In fact, half of this crap is animated.” Ohhh I want to see a cartoon hills!
  • Lauren storms off…probably to head to her electrolysis appointment. End scene.
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