IBBB Disclaimer: This episode is so bad, I just basically ramble. Read at your own risk.
Last night on “The Hills”….
- Kristin and Brody are out on a big “date.” Their “date” lasts just long enough for them to say the following “Hills Catchphrases”: on-a-break, Jayde, broken up, Mrs Bobby, and fight. They need to start adding subtitles when Kristin speaks because sometimes it sounds like donkeys in a blender having sex with midgets playing the harp. Just off the top of my head.
- You know this sh*t is going to crap out early when the second scene of the show centers around Heidi and Steve Sanders home and that little bastard “Billy from Who’s the Boss.” He’s doing a lot of the “yip yip” and climbing trees whilst Heidi continuously talks about having a baby. I think she just wants to do it so that after it’s over she can store some of her old chin and pieces of her old nose in her newly stretched out vaginastein. Hell, throw Enzo in there as well, zipper it up, and call it a day.
- Heidi threatens to get pregnant, but something tells me if that happens Spencer will be pouring shots of bleach for Heidi and then tripping her down the stairs for an insta-abortion. Oh, and Billy from Who’s the Boss just called Spencer, “Spender” and they didn’t even make him run his lines again. They’re just like “screw it, keep going.”
- Oddy and LOser are having a lunch, minus the food, and discussing Teef’s “feelings” for Justin Bobby. I couldn’t care less about this scene and have spent most of the time envisioning a car jumping the curb and taking out the two of them. All that would be left on the sidewalk would consist of some teeth, some extensions, and shredded pieces of the script. This reminds me to draw a chalk-outline of Audrina later. Note to self.
- Well when all else fails, let’s swing on by Brody’s mom’s house in Malibu. This should be a real treat and, in fact, it didn’t disappoint at all. Brody’s mom, who I will just refer to as “Face,” greets Brody and Kristin and looking like she finished up the weekday gang-bang. She has a tray of lemonade for “the kids” but I’m almost certain it’s piss. And why isn’t Face on Real Housewives of Orange County? She should be and I shall begin the letter-writing campaign to make this happen. We need more Face and we need it now. Really.
- Sidenote: What do you do if you’re Brody and both of your parents have absolutely ridiculous plastic surgery faces? I feel like if you combined their faces you would have Frankie Delgado.
- Face does a good job praising Kristin and letting them both know that they were cute together back in the day. The scene ends because Face needs to go back in the house and get slapped with a bouquet of dicks. Again. For the 3rd time that day.
- Just when you think this show can’t get any worse, we fall through the floor of crap and find something even worse than crap. Steve Sanders and his friend, Hitler (??) head off to the doctor to find out about getting a vasectomy. In case you haven’t seen every scene this season, Steve Sanders does not want kids. And, seriously, what credible doctor in their right mind would agree to, not only, appear on The Hills, but also in a scene with Spencer Pratt?
- Steve Sanders talks to the “doctor” about “turing off his faucet” so that he can’t have kids with his new wife. “Turning off the faucet” is a little extreme. I’m sure in his case it’s more like a slow drip anyway.
- The doctor shows Steve Sanders diagrams of exactly how a procedure like this works. Steve Sanders is looking at the pictures and squirming and making gross faces. His reaction is actually pretty real and believable…..which leads me to believe the “doctor” is actually showing him pictures of Heidi “pre-surgery” and the editors just tossed in diagrams later.
- Seriously, someone cut off my nuts because this is the worst.
- Meanwhile “later that night” Kristin, Brody, and crew (aka “Stacie the Pointless Bartender”) head out to “da club.” “Da club” always looks like the worst place in the world to me. I’d rather wake up next to Brody’s mom than hang out at “da clubs” that these guys go to.
- Just moments later, Jayde (her jacked up face) and her friends, who look like they all just finished doing “$2 dollar sucky sucky” happen to go to the same club that Brody and Kristin are at. What are the odds?
- Jayde decides to go and confront Kristin and Brody by walking/slurring over to their table, bending down, and saying “What the f*** are you doing?” I would have been like, “Uh, taping a show? Why are your eyes pushed all the way into your skull like a Play-Doh person?” But…that’s just me. Perhaps you would have answered that question differently.
- Anyjaeger, Kristin tells Jayde and the skank-posse to get the f*** out of “da club.” And then a fight breaks out. Well, it’s more of quick slaps, but still. I’m surprised Jayde can even see out of those eyes to know where Kristin is, to slap her. She’s like a Beanie Baby.
- Back at Casa de Chin, Billy from Who’s the Boss spills the scripted beans to Heidi that Steve Sanders went to the “doctor.” This makes Heidi unrealistically suspicious and she sends Billy from Who’s the Boss and Hitler out in the yard so that they can talk. Heidi is pissed that her husband was going to come home and say, “hey honey I snipped my balls off” because, yeah, that’s what a vasectomy is. I actually had more fun watching Hitler drag Billy from Who’s the Boss all around the backyard. Diddler alert.
- Finally we are at the end! Good God this episode was 5 hours long. Oddrina meets up with Justin Bobby for “dinner” minus the food. We learn that Audrina may want to get back with J Bob, but there would be a lot of “workin out to do.” Sadly, we also learn that Justin Bobbert isn’t wearing anything under his leather coat. Gross. His coat must stink like Brody’s moms fake hair.
- Justin “Italia” Bobby informs Teef that Kristin has done things to him that no one has ever done. He keeps saying that. So, I’m going to assume Kristin let him do anal or she allowed him to take a dump on her chest. What’s that called again? A Teef Steamer? Anyway, this upsets Oddy and she “storms” out of dinnerless diner, walks up the street, and gets in her car. Then “the Shadow of Audrina” cries in her car. Oddly, her shadow is more lifelike than the actual Audrina. Eh, such is life.
I’m dumber for watching this. Goal achieved!
