Remember how much you loved playing Super Mario Brothers and you would play all the time and you were so excited when Super Mario Brothers 2 came out in stores and you would call Toys R Us 20 times per day seeing if they had it in yet and they were always sold out and after weeks you finally got Super Mario Brothers 2 and started to play it and you didn’t love it because it was so different than Super Mario Brothers 1, but you played it anyway and realized the only real good thing about it was that you could pick up turnips from the ground and throw them, but you kept wishing for Super Mario Brothers 3 to come out and you prayed that it was more like Super Mario Brothers 1 because Super Mario Brothers 2 just really wasn’t doing it for you and you faked how happy it made you because all your other friends seemed liked they liked it so much? Yeah, well that’s what this season of The Hills is like for me. I’m waiting for the next one.
Here’s what went down last night on The Hills:
- Wow someone turned the lights on at Audrina’s job. Whatdaya know! Alanis/Chiara alerts her that Brandy is going to be in the studio today. She can’t mean the singer Brandy because Brandy isn’t white and The Hills does not allow non-white people on the show. It’s like the first 6 seasons of “Friends.” Frankie is lucky he even gets to be Brody’s sidekick.
- Lauren and Sandy Sanders are in a fabric store holding a yardstick and talking about Sandy Sanders and her new lame boyfriend and how Cameron will protect her against Brody if he ever says anything to her. Boring. I get up to heat up some pizza from Saturday. Sure there’s a risk I will be poisoned, but I’m up for the risk…especially if it will put me out of my misery instead of watching this.
- Brody Forgets He’s White Alert!!: Brody and LC are sitting poolside discussing world events. Just kidding, they’re talking about themselves and Sandy Sanders and Cameron. Brody is so angry about all of this, kinda like a big bitch on her period, and says that he wants Cameron to say something to him at the bar tonight so he can say to him, “Listen homie, why don’t I pull you outside…..” Really? Still thinking you’re not white, huh Brod? Homie? Really? You’re a rich kid from Malibu. I’m pretty sure we can stop the “street act.” And who gives an F about Sandy and her BF, really? Stop being a huge girl over this or I’m going to start calling you “Broady.” That’s it. That’s your name now. No turning back. Broady it is.
- LC pushed Broady in the pool. Damn it LC, Broady has her period! That’s just gross! Now he’s probably going to get a yeast infection. Thanks for nothing LC.
- Oh my God you guys…this episode is horrible. Help me. Someone help me! If anyone is out there, please help me!
- Oddrina and Corey are on a date. She talks about J Bob. Corey says “awesome.” I die a little more inside.
- The D-Bag Bunch head out to Crown Bar. Sandy Sanders and Cameron show up first. Cameron looks like he’s been either punched in the face of attacked by a cat. Cameron is a complete dud. He’s actually a complete mix of Spencer and Justin Bobby. No joke. Creeptastic. He also looks like he’s ready to mug Sandy Sanders any minute now. Serves her right, though, since she used to shoplift. It only makes sense that her boyfriend would rob her. I hope we get to see that.
- LOser shows up with some dude? Is that her boyfriend? Seriously what guy is putting up with LOser on a regular basis? She must have agreed to give oral pleasure to him 4 times a day. There’s gotta be some contract she signed.
- Anyboredom, Broady shows up dressed like he’s a backup dancer for Christina Aguilera and sits right in the middle of all the actionless action. Cameron, who was all talk earlier in the night about wanting to confront Broady is now sitting there in silence. Maybe they’ll just have a dance-off and call it night. Sandy Sanders looks not only pissed that Cameron isn’t randomly defending her, but also like she’s ready to smoke a ham.
- Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! Viewers of the show, I must warn you…The Hills has not been hijacked. You are still watching an episode of The Hills, however, there are people in the scene right now who are not white. I repeat, they are not white. If you are going into convulsions, please dial 911 immediately.
- Singer/Song Writer/Actress/Driver Brandy is in the studio with Rodney Jerkins and crew recording some songs. Uh, unless she’s singing “The Boy is Mine” with Monica or reenacting scenes from Moesha, I’m not interested. Ok, I’m a little interested. I’m a little interested because Audrina looks panicked. Imagine if when Oddrina was talking to Brandy all of a sudden she was just like, “Yo yo yo, Girrrrrrl!” I’d love it. Oddrina is a character actor so it wouldn’t surprise me.
- Sidenote, why isn’t Brandy’s new album doing better? That first song was really good. That’s it, I’m downloading Sitting Up in My Room when I’m done watching this and that’s final.
- You have to be SHITTING me! Brandy is literally singing, beautifully might I add, and Audrina turns and starts talking to Alanis about Justin Bobby…..and then she LEAVES the studio to go see J Bob outside. Are you kidding me. Please tell me this is a joke. Brandy totally got the shaft. Who leaves an opportunity/experience like this? Oddrina does, that’s who.
- So is Justin Bobby in a play? He looks like he’s dressed for a skit. And what’s up with his motorcycle helmet? I think that color is technically called, “Silvery Bedazzled.” J Bob tells Oddrina that he didn’t want to be “that guy” in Cabo. To translate for all you out there, that means that he relapsed and is now getting “help” again. He then tells Oddy that 90% of the time it’s “right on” and he pretty much wants to be with her. Oddrina then hugs him because a girl suffering from such low self esteem can totally settle for some douche who tells her that he “pretty much” wants to be with her. After the hug I assume J Bob drives away with his sparkly silver helmet and heads off to robot dance camp.
- Ugh. This is all so f’n boring. I wonder if you can force yourself into a coma.
- Yowza! Chiara/Alanis is all wrapped up in this Oddrina and Justin Bobby situation. She won’t let up about Oddrina not going back to J Bob. Seriously, Alanis? Why the hell do you care so much? Move on. Oddrina’s dead inside.
- Wow, 3 minutes left in this horrific crapisode and all of a sudden Heidi and Steve Sanders show up for lunch with Sandy Sanders.
- Clearly the wind is pissing of Heidi because she fixes her hair the whole time like she’s having withdrawals from meth. Sandy? Give her some advice, will ya?
- Ugh. Another boring date with Oddrina and Corey. She’s a f’n idiot. He gives her a koala bear and in turn Oddrina basically gives him blue balls because she dumps him. Although I’m pretty sure they’re dubbing in half that conversation because it sounds like any time Oddrina talks about “it not working out” it sounds like she’s saying it from a hollow bathroom.
- Oh dear Jesus Claus! Does Corey shed a tear over this? Please tell me that didn’t happen. I deny my citizenship. Someone just take it. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be crying too, but I would be screaming, “No I want to still be on The Hills! Please! I don’t want to leave The Hills!” Then I’d leave and go to Sandy Sanders because she, my friends, is what you call a “sure thing.”
Finally it’s over! I made it! I’m not dead! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I would have to say that this was the worst episode ever. Ever. Although, next week Heidi gets “drunk” and fired from Bolthouse. Uh oh! What ever will she do without a job in today’s tough economy? Hopefully she’ll get by on the $65,000 an episode she makes filming The Hills. Pray for her in her time of need.