The Hills Recap: Audrina’s Mental Breakdown: A Very Special Episode of “The Hills.”

Grab your nap mats, boys and girls, because Mother Goose has written one f’d up crapisode of The Hills this week. Perhaps the least scripted episode yet, Audrina must have been chewing on some toys that were shellacked with lead paint and delivered from China because she pretty much goes bat sh*t crazy. With Thanksgiving just a couple of days away, I am most thankful for this episode. Let’s see just exactly went down last night on The Hills:
  • Audrina’s co-worker, Alanis Morrisette, still doesn’t realize she’s on national television and shows up on camera without a stitch of makeup on. She makes Kelly CUNTrone look like a beauty pageant contestant. Oddrina informs Alanis (and her puffy bangs) that she heard that Lauren and Justin Bobby hooked up. Alanis reacts like she just heard the news that it was all a big mistake and John McCain really won the election (political reference = 1 point). Whilst Oddrina starts to cry Alanis sorta awkwardly hugs her for about 2 nano seconds and just says, “you’ll be fine.” After those words of wisdom she literally says, “I can’t give you any more advice than that.” Wow! Thanks, Alanis, alllll better! I’m sure she could give a little more advice. Perhaps something like, “File down your teeth about 1 inch, if you have the time and money.” See? Now that could have helped too.
  • Oh crap! Lauren better change the sheets because LOser is going to orgasm all over them when LC tells her how crazy Audrina is.
  • Know how I know this crap is sorta real? Lauren looks like crap, that’s how. Whilst she’s freaking the F out on LOser, she looks a mess. She looks like she just chased the talent monster all around her backyard and lost. Oh, and her mustache is back too! I’m also thankful for that this Thanksgiving.
  • As Lauren continues on her rant she practices things like “sarcasm” and says that she did hook up with J Bob because of how charming he is and how wonderful is personal hygiene is. Oh Lauren, those classes at FIDM-OPP-PYT are really starting to pay off! Not for nothing, but before she bashes Justin Bobby’s impeccable character I have 4 words for Lauren: Jason Wahler.
  • HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag stops by Casa de Chin to chat it up with Heidi, but to no surprise she’s not there. Know who is there? Yup, Steve Sanders. He’s making toast. This scene makes me want to pistol whip my TIVO. Seriously who fights like this? Who fights monotone? I would be swearing, talking smack about his mother, and I’d probably throw a bucket of water on him while he unplugged the toaster…..but that’s just me. Perhaps everyone else has different fighting tactics.
  • Oddrina heads over to Lauren’s house and when Oddy knocks Lauren just yells “The doors open.” Note to stalking self: Don’t break into Lauren’s home, just knock.
  • Oddrina and Lauren just stand in her kitchen in awkward silence and filthy smirks. I’m pretty sure Lauren is reading the manual to her microwave.
  • Audrina asks Lauren if she hooked up with Justin Bobby. Lauren looks off to where the producers stand, probably to make sure they’re ok with Audrina’s potty mouth. I like the swearing….makes it more real. I am hoping that one day we even will get a “I’m sorry can you stop filming this right now” as one of them runs out of the apartment/off the set.
  • Oh Jesus. It’s those tools again from The Aftershow. What the hell is that dude, Dan, wearing for a shirt? Where’s his other collar and why are all the buttons to the right? Remember that episode of The Cosby Show when Denise made Theo that knock-off designer shirt and it was all jacked up? Yeah, well that’s what Dan’s shirt looks like. I miss that show. I miss scripted television. I miss those jazz episodes where the whole Cosby clan would perform lip-synced songs for the grandparents on their stairs. Better days, better days.
  • Seriously, someone hand Audrina a green umbrella because I think she’s going “Britney crazy.” She’s calling Justin Bobby for the 15th time and looks like she left him some crazy messages in the past. She. Is. Nuts.
  • HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag goes by to visit Heidi at “work.” It’s nice to see Heidi back in an empty cube and it’s even nicer that HEMM called her out for not having an office. As a sidenote, what in the Christmas Christ is Heidi wearing to work? And why is HEMM dressed like a part time business woman/part time stay at home mom from the late 80’s?
  • We are lucky enough to know just exactly what Audrina’s crazy-train messages were to J Bob because J Bob let’s us all know while he drinks wine at the random bar that he and Oddrina are at. Apparently it was something along the lines of: “You f’n a-hole…I f’n hate you… f’n used me!” Sweet. I heart Audrina’s f-words fighting style!
  • J Bob peaces out of “drinks” with Oddy because he’s nuts, but realizes that Oddrina is even crazier than him.
  • No joke, this rumor this is f’n stupid. If they were going to do something this stupid, they should have gone all the way with it. Audrina should have called her father and been like, “Hey Dad, yeah, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus…underneath the mistletoe last night.”
  • Wow! Heidi must need a time machine to make it home from work because not only is she wearing a completely different outfit, but even her hair is crimped. Isn’t this supposed to “later that day” after HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag confronted Heidi at work? And, seriously, why am I even bother recapping any scenes with Heidi and Steve Sanders anymore? They can faux-fight all they want and make it seem like Heidi is going to eventually dump him, but now that they’re married this is all even dumber. More dumb? Dumbest? Dumberest? Most dumb? Wicked stupid.
  • Finally, Audrina and Lauren try to figure this whole rumor thing out, with LOser, at a crowed and noisy bar. There’s some random chick in the background just looking at them. If that was me I would have been like, “Are you guys ad-libbing these scenes?”
  • Oddrina also accuses Lauren of flirting with Justin Bobby in the past to which Lauren replies that she’d rather kill herself than hook up with him. 2 points for Lauren, but I’m taking one point away because the candle-light is making her under eye wrinkles, forehead wrinkles, and mustache really scare me.
  • 2 points go to Audrina for telling Lauren that she’s doing the same thing to her that she did to Heidi. Although, I hate to be a stickler, but I’m taking a point away for the side profile of Audrina’s teeth. I’m sorry you guys but she needs to learn a valuable teeth lesson and I’m here to teach her that lesson.
  • 3 points goes to LOser, just because. No points taken away. Sue me.
  • 1 additional point to Lauren for crying this time with out all the makeup running down her face.
  • And the winner is…….the terrorists! They win because I watch this show.
On the next crapisode of The Hills, the rumor fight continues…..yawn….BUT Nana Pratt is in town and I have one week to come up with a crapload of new jokes about this!
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