The Hills: Girls Night Out and Relationship Vacation!




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Finally, The Hills is back to a 30 minute crapisode. The hour-long double crapisode was too much to handle, especially when the second crapisode was usually all about Whitney. Anyway, this week we get to see if Lauren can land a job at The Pubic Revolution, if Heidi and Audrina can be friends and share the cue-cards, how many more cliches Steve Sanders and Sandy Sanders can share as wild and crazy head-butting roommates, if Whitney stands with her mouth ajar for the full episode or just half, and much much less. Here’s what went down on this episode, “Girls Night Out” of The Hills. Proceed:
  • Oh snap! Heidi wastes no time visiting Audrina at “work.” Wow they’ve even hired a “receptionist” to sit behind the desk and pretend that Audrina really works there. She did great, by the way, letting Heidi know that Audrina was “just through those doors in the conference room on the first floor.” Buzz words! Buzz words! Buzz words!
  • Are you kidding me with this crap? Heidi and Audrina are having lunch in Audrina’s “work cafeteria.” For some reason Heidi is dressed like Sandy from the movie Grease (at the end). Props to Audrina for walking and talking whilst holding a tray. I didn’t think she had it in her!
  • Does anyone actually work there? That place is like a ghost town.
  • Heidi is on her tirade about having a god-for-saken “girls night out.” Why do I feel like we’re going to be hearing the term “girls night out” 65,000 times during this episode. By the way when she asks Audrina if she wants to go for a “girls night out” I think Audrina is searching for her script.
  • Words I Don’t Ever Want to Hear Kelly CUNTrone Saying Ever Again: “You look so cute in that lingerie.” She looks like a perverted nun, but less pretty and less mean.
  • When Kelly CUNTrone tells Lauren and Whitney that they’re so slow, check out Lauren looking right at the camera and who I assume are the producers standing by. I’m pretty sure she’s about to throw Whitney under the bus. I must admit, I do not believe that Kelly CUNTrone is reading any scripted lines. I actually think she is real, which is scary and comforting all at the same time. She’s easy, breezy, and beautiful.
  • Steve Sanders and Sandy Sanders are arguing over a sandwich. Steve Sanders looks like he’s about to lose his shit and take it out on his turkey sandwich when Sandy Sanders leaves to meet up with Heidi and crew.
  • The girls head out for “girls night out” at S Bar and Steve Sanders and his friend, Kevin, show up. Uh, yeah I’m pretty sure Kevin is not his friend. I’m pretty sure he was cast to be friends with him just for that scene.
  • Steve Sanders is talking with some girls at the bar, which consists of him first asking how old they are (way to be safe, Steve) and then in turn the girls make fun of him for sipping his shot. I like them already. Seriously, what dudes sip shots? Actually what girls sip shots? It’s a shot, not a pint for a dwarf.
  • Heidi flips the F out when she sees that Steve Sanders and those girls are taking shots. She just keeps repeating “they’re taking shots, they’re taking shots” like a parrot with turrets. Seriously, they are taking shots Heidi. It’s not like she caught Steve Sanders putting his penis in the girls ear or shot glass or something. Relax. When you freak out like that your newscaster hair gets all stringy and crazy.
  • Why is Heidi recapping The Hills episode of what just happened with Steve Sanders at the bar? And why does she keep saying, “Oh you’re all like ‘ha, ha, ha’ with those girls. What would you have been doing if I wasn’t here?” I know, the horror! If Heidi wasn’t there he probably would have said, “ha” one additional time besides the 3-times he said it when Heidi was there. Seriously everyone kill yourself. Me included. Hunt me down and shoot me. Really.
  • Hahaha Heidi tells Steve Sanders that she’s not going to be rude when guys try to talk to her the next time. Really Heidi? I’d be careful when you say stuff like that because your nose will grow back. I mean the part about guys actually coming up to talk to her. Who are these guys and can everyone else see them too or just Heidi?
  • Heidi continues her rant, which is now becoming my favorite part of the crapisode, by saying that if guys come up to talk to her she tells them “please don’t talk to me.” Wow. How she’s got one guy to ever want to marry her is a miracle in itself. She really is a prize.
  • Holy Hell! Holy Hell! Stop the Tivo. I repeat, stop the Tivo. What in the F is up with the girls faces that were talking to Steve Sanders? Are they wearing white masks? I’m not kidding. And did they really just make standard “mean face” at Heidi while walking into the bathroom? It’s like the producers told them to look angry and these two gems really pulled through. Although it didn’t look as much like she was angry as it did her taking a dump directly in her pants before she made it to the bathroom. Trust me, I know that look. I’ve given that look. I’ve crapped my pants many times, many times.
  • Audrina lives in constant fear of Lauren. She’s shaking while folding her laundry and telling Lauren about hanging out with Heidi the night before. Lauren is such a good friend to Audrina that she basically tells her that Heidi is only hanging out with her to get back at her for Lauren hanging out with Sandy Sanders. You’re both wrong! Lauren, you’re hanging out with Sandy Sanders and Audrina, you’re hanging out with Heidi because there needed to be a Season 3: Part II of The Hills. Without all this, we’d be watching Whitney working at The Pubic Revolution for 22 minutes a week and no one needs that.
  • Can I just say that I love the term: relationship vacation. Awesome. When do I get a “Hills Vacation?”
  • Uh, Kelly CUNTrone just gave Whitney a microphone so why is Whitney yelling out loud for everyone to head out to the runway? Couldn’t she just have used the microphone…you know, the one she’s holding?
  • Ok there’s about a 20 minute conversation about the color red and the color purple for the fashion show. I lapse into a coma.
  • Meanwhile, back at Bolthouse Heidi is burning the midnight oil and she and Kimberly are having a high-power business meeting which consists of Kimberly saying, “I’m going to move this to here and that to there and move that cabana.” Heidi says, “alright” and they immediately start talking about Heidi’s miserable night out. Meeting adjourned girls! You both, clearly, brainstormed some great ideas and made some important business decisions so you definitely deserve to change the subject and bring things back to where they belong, which is back to Heidi….as always. Also, nice bangs douche-bag.
  • GOD STOP SAYING “GIRLS NIGHT OUT!” I can’t take it.
  • Seriously are they kidding us with this crap which is Heidi’s office? There is nothing on her desk. No joke, nothing. No paper, no pens, no folders, nothing. And I’m pretty sure her mouse and that bottle of water were in those same exact spots as last week.
  • Wow The Pubic Revolution is star studded! Kirstie Alley is in the front row. How did they ever get her? Oh, and shouldn’t she be at home calling Jenny again? Wow!
  • In the end Lauren surprisingly gets hired on the spot. What a surprise.
  • Steve Sanders and Heidi are fighting in his car about being on “relationship vacation.” I shit you not, this is actually being discussed. Why is no one cracking a smile when they say “relationship vacation?” Dude Heidi is way crazier that I ever thought. She really is pissed that Steve Sanders had a shot with those girls with the white masks. How long will relationship vacation last? I hope a little longer…..just long enough for them to use the term “relationship vacation” a few more times.

Next week on The Hills: Justin Bobby is back! Finally! The world is a better place with a little Justin Bobby in it. And that can mean just one thing: Audrina may be wearing a helmet again which definitely makes my world a better place.

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