The Hills: Double The Hills, Triple the Crap!

Buenos retardos from IBBBs vacation! I may be south of the border, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a loser enough to carve out the time to recap the latest episode of The Hills. Sure I’m about 5 Vodka Tonics deep, but hey, watching The Hills any other way than drunk is just stupid. Here’s how this drunken crapisode, Back to LA, of The Hills went down:
  • Finally Audrina is back! Hey Audrina. Guess what. I’ve seen your boobs. That’ll be all.
  • What is Lauren talking about “getting away from LA for a while.” Wasn’t she gone for about 48 hours? Yeah wow the Korean/Crayon Ball…that’s an escape.
  • I will treat myself in words unspoken and live my life with arms wide open. Thanks Hills Theme Song!
  • LISA LOVELESS!!!! What a sexy little minx! She’s in her Christmas blouse. That’s a treat. I love her combover. Seeing Lisa Loveless in red silk really gets me going. Although I feel like once you got her out of that red silk double-breasted blouse she’d have flannel lumberjack thermal underwear underneath. Ugh, I guess it will better support her penis, so it all makes sense in the end.
  • So to sum up Whitney’s conversation with Lisa Loveless, she basically is getting walked out the door by Teen Vogue, no? Whitney is all like, “Can I have your blessing if I leave” and Lisa Loveless is all, “We don’t have jobs here for you, poor little white girl…hit the bricks, trash.”
  • Hahaha Heidi is back at “work.” From now on you are only allowed to use the word “work” in quotes. Heidi is such a great business woman. She uses all big business lingo such as “hey, here are those files” and she’s even holding actual files in her hands. The Hills must have a top notch props department.
  • Hey Kimberly, I have a question….can you shut the F up? You’ll NEVER be Elodie so don’t even try it. Haven’t you read the script? When Heidi starts talking about her pathetic relationship you should not contribute with your own story (which is even more boring, by the way). Just nod and play with your new bangs.
  • I feel like Steve Sanders and his sister, Sandy Sanders, is what happens when unethical stem cell research takes place. Just a thought.
  • Steve Sanders tells Sandy Sanders that he wants to date other people and I’m pretty sure he was just hitting on his sister.
  • I wonder if Lauren is pissed that Whitney is going to have a better job then her? Who is Lauren going to get bad “Hallmark Card” advice from when Whitney leaves?
  • When Whitney goes to her interview, why does that bitch Jessica stare at her like she’s waiting for her to introduce herself. It’s Whitney….from The Hills? It’s a show on MTV. There are cameras following her? No? Oh ok, that’s Whitney.
  • Is the chick that’s interviewing Whitney on crack or heroine? Sometimes I get confused on the side effects of each. Which is the drug where when you do too much it eats your face? Is that Meth? I think that chick is on meth. It’s comforting to know that this chicks hair is as ratty as Lisa Loveless’, but she’s never be Lisa Loveless.
  • I’m psyched Heidi puts forth her best “newscaster hairdo” whilst at breakfast. Listening to a conversation between Heidi and Sandy Sanders is as hard to follow as Chinese arithmetic, and not as fun. Wait, what?
  • Hey Audrina! Welcome back to the episode. Oh, I’ve seen your boobs and your bum.
  • Oh great, Les Deux. I’m now officially calling it Les Douche. That place f’n sucks.
  • It’s good to see Lauren and Brody fighting like drunken kids in college. I miss those days. Although my college days never had a friend with a wild blond fro-perm like Brody’s friend.
  • As a sidenote, nice “3-lines” in the side of your hair, Frankie.
  • Is it just me or does Lo’s new nose make her look almost exactly like Lauren? Well, not exactly like Lauren, but more like the hungover version of Lauren.
  • I’m pleased to announce that an Asian AND an African American person have been spotted in the background during Lauren and Lo’s lunch conversation. Sure their faces were all blurry, but they were there. It’s good to know that The Hills is expanding their horizons.
  • Gross, Heidi sounds like she has a nasty cold. Basically, she sounds like when she sings. She probably caught the bird flu from those seagulls she was chasing during the shooting of her video.
  • Steve Sanders is putting everything he owns in a box to the left and moving out. I’m pretty sure he’s pushing that box off the set of The Hills.
  • Awwww Whitney and Lauren are saying goodbye as it’s Whitney’s last day of “work.” They’re trying to decide if their long distance relationship will work. TRUST ME…it won’t. It’s going to seem like it’s working at first, but it will crumble for sure in the end and you’ll end up feeling horrible about yourself. You’ll decide you will never be in love again and you welcome the loneliness. Oh wait, that’s just me. Whitney and Lauren will totally work out.
  • I was a little disappointed in the ending. I was waiting for it to end by saying “Lisa Loveless R.I.P 1492 – 2008.

Holy hell what? I was just about to close my trusty laptop after the Hills crapisode and there’s another one? Sure I’m on vacation and drunk right now, but I’m pretty sure I’m not hallucinating this. Ok, I’ll give this one a try as well.

  • Sweet! Is Lauren’s professor from Boston? She was butchering every word with the letter “r” in it. I was waiting for her to say, “Wicked Pissah, Kid!”
  • To no surprise, Stephanie Pratt (aka Sandy Sanders) is in Lauren’s class. Who knew that The Hills producers also worked in the Registers office!?!
  • New Nickname Alert! Whitney’s boss, Kelly Cuntrone, is now know as “Wednesday Adams.” She looks like death. What type of job is this when your boss is like, “Oh yeah and you have to wear black everyday.”
  • Seriously, is Lauren’s professor drunk? I mean, I know I am, but she looks like she keeps a 40 in a brown paper bag under her desk….and she sounds like it.
  • Hey there token Asian student! It’s so bad when The Hills adds other nationalities to the scene. They get way stereotypical. They basically dress the Asian girl with a camera around her neck and place a map in her hands.
  • Oh those tricky girls! They’re all text messaging eachother that Sandy Sanders and Lauren are in the same class. When’s Mr. Firley going to walk by?
  • Are the fashion designers that Whitney is working with both Darma from “Darma and Greg” or just one of them?
  • Whitney’s doing great on her first day of work! She’s officially said the word “pants” 16 times and that’s a good day in my book. What, I have a book of pants. Don’t judge me.
  • Oh great, now they have a Michael Jackson hat on the token Asian student.
  • Is Sandy Sanders wearing a prison outfit? Anyway, she apologizes to Lauren and throws her brother under the bus. Wait, maybe that’s why she’s wearing the prison outfit.
  • Uh-oh Whitey is f’ing up the fashion show. Suddenly Lisa Loveless and her daughter, Kimball, seem like a walk in the park.
  • Why does Wednesday Adams think she’s such a bad ass? It must be that tricky Meth eating her face again!
  • I’m pretty sure that Heidi and Sandy Sanders will be the most boring roommates in the history of roommates. It’s like watching paint dry. Oh wait, that’s exactly what it was.
  • Sandy Sanders permed her bangs and is talking with Steve Sanders. They’re technically fighting, but I’m positive it’s just sexual tension.
  • Sandy Sanders and Lauren are apparently BFF and are having lunch together and squealing like school girls. Should I bother to mention that Sandy Sanders is wearing the same headband that Cheri Johnson’s wore in 5 seasons of Punky Brewster…or should I just let that slide.
  • Ahhh it wouldn’t be a Hills episode without ending it with a Natasha Bedingfield song.

Phew! Someone feed me some orange slices and pour little cups of water over my head because I just recapped my ass off! 30 minutes = fun to recap, 60 minutes = community service.

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