Well we’re at the second to last crapisode of The Hills and all is not right for The Hills gang. This latest episode is basically like a 30 minute commercial as we get to see Audrina push her new band, Heidi push Bolthouse, and Lauren and Lo push Petco. All in all, I’m buying all of it. Thanks Hills! Here’s what went down on last night’s episode, No Place Like Home, of The Hills:
- Pack your horse bags, Heidi, because you’ve just won an all expense paid trip to Vegas! Watching Heidi discuss “business” with Brent Bolthouse is like watching those infomercials that are on at 3 AM where those two twin midgets are talking about buying real estate. Heidi tells Brent his casino idea sounds “brilliant.” His casino idea….in Vegas….land of casinos…sounds brilliant. Yeah Heidi, he actually didn’t invent casinos. You’re brilliant, Heidi, you’re brilliant.
- Why do they still insist on having their names pop up on the screen every time they show one of the cast members. Yeah, I know who “Lauren” is by now thanks. And if you’re one of those “Johnny Come Lately’s” this entire show probably doesn’t make sense to you and you probably think you’re better than me anyway so I’m going to say F you to you right now.
- Lauren and Lo, who are not deserving to live in a house like they do, are laying out in their backyard. Mission: “Let’s F With Audrina and Make Her the New Heidi” is well underway. Lauren wanted to see if Audrina wanted to lay out with them, but she doesn’t want to wake her up. And cue Audrina entering the yard fully dressed and with a face full of makeup on. Yeah, it can’t be that early.
- Audrina invites Lo and LC to come and see the band. She’s like “and maybe you’ll like their song.” Yeah Audrina that seems like a hoot. Now be sure to thank MTV for the free band promotion you silly little white-toothed turtle!
- Heidi stops by Kimberly’s cubical that, to no surprise, is almost completely empty. She has a computer and a lamp and that’s it. There’s not one picture hanging up or any tacks in the cubical wall or even one of those obnoxious signs that says “Is It Friday Yet?” Couldn’t they have at least pretended that Kimberly really sat there by tossing up a calendar or something? As a side note, Kimberly’s bowl-cut-mullet is really starting to grow on me. Not really. I just wanted to say bowl-cut-mullet.
- Kimberly is still not 100% ready for The Hills script so when Heidi starts talking about herself (go figure) Kimberly only says the following words after Heidi makes each statement: Really? Oh? and Fun!
- So LC and Lo swing on by the doo-wop to see Audrina and her band play, which is pretty awkward because after they are there for literally 5 seconds, Audrina is like “do you like them?” Uh, I’m going to need at least 25 seconds before I make a judgement like that. Thanks though.
- Lo, the village idiot, screams “you guys are great” to the band while they’re recording their song, so be sure to look out for Lo’s voice in the background of one of their new songs. I’m just kidding. You’ll never hear one of their new songs again.
- LC and Lo leave after being at the studio for under 5 minutes. Keep in mind, boys and girls, those are “Hills minutes” which means that mathematically speaking you must tack on 120 minutes for every 5 minutes of real time. Add the columns, carry the 2, and you have your answer that Lo and LC were actually at the studio filming this scene for 125 minutes. Well worth the $25,000 per episode.
- Sandy Sanders stops by the set of Heidi’s apartment so that Heidi can tell her all about Vegas. Boring. Less boring is the fact that Sandy Sanders is dressed like the female Mr Rogers and she is camouflaged into the couch. They discuss Steve Sanders being homeless because Sandy is going to kick him out. Whatever will he do? How can he survive off of his Hills money and other business ventures?
- LC and Lo get a dog and name her Chloe. I’m not surprised at all. I fugured they would have gone with either Chloe or Emma. They say they saved her from the shelter, but then 2 seconds later they talk about getting her at Petco. Is Petco a shelter? And more importantly will Chloe end up like Heidi’s dog from season 1? Dead? The answer to all these questions is “yes.” They will use Chloe’s parts as scraps that can be used for future cosmetic surgeries for cast members of The Hills (i.e Heidi).
- And how big is this house they live in? They had a house warming party last week but now they’re all sitting in a room that has all boxes in it (and not just Lo’s, Lauren’s and Audrina’s boxes…..other boxes too). I thought they already unpacked. And there’s no furniture. I’m confused. What show am I watching?
- Sandy Sanders and Steve Sanders have their scripted boring fight about Steve Sanders being a bum. At the end Steve Sanders pulls his 3 yr old little brother argument skills by saying “La la la la la” while Sandy tries to talk. I think he meant “Lo lo lo lo lo.” Anyway, Sandy Sanders kicks him out of the apartment. I wonder where he’ll go?
- J Bob is back and Audrina is going to cook him up something nice. I think we’d all feel a bit safer if they only allowed Audrina to use those fake food products that come in a 2 year old toy shopping cart. You know, there’s like toy salt and toy pepper and a toy loaf of bread and toy butter. I’d eat anything “toy” that Audrina made. I would eat nothing “real” that Audrina made. These are things I would and wouldn’t eat. Anyway, Justin Bobby convinces Audrina to look for other apartments since, basically, the script told him to do so and Lo and LC together wreak of old rotten douche bags that have been sitting in the sun all day. Literally.
- Heidi, Brent, and random dude are at the airport ready to set sail (??) to Vegas. Uh, yeah. They arrive to their private jet in a Bentley. The only time I want to see Heidi in a car that nice again is when she’s in her funeral car and, at that point and only at that point will she deserve to ride in something that nice.
- Seriously the SBE jet is painted gold and looks like space shuttle while taking off. I’m hoping Heidi is getting punk’d and they’re really dropping her fake ass off to Iraq to fight in this little thing I like to call “the war.” That would actually be a great idea. Toss a helmet on her and give her one of those cap guns and let her fight on the front lines. Who’s with me?
- Steve Sanders shows up with his stuff, which consists of one bag that he’s kept in his trunk because, clearly, it was too big to put in the passenger seat….to Heidi’s apartment. Ruh-roh Rorge! Heidi isn’t home. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal because most people would probably just think that maybe she was at work or just out. Oh no, but not Steve Sanders. He knows something is up and not just because the cue cards told him how to feel. He calls Sandy Sanders wanting to know where Heidi is. She’s going to catch the beating of her life when she gets home. I’m sure she’ll decide to stay in Iraq once she knows this. Bombs away Heidi, bombs away!
Next week is the season finale of The Hills. I’ll officially be dead inside after next week. Does Heidi stay in Vegas? Will Steve Sanders go visit her? Will Audrina move out? Sure we all already know the answers to all this crap, but I’ll watch anyway. How is this season over, by the way?