I was a little surprised that the Season 4 premiere was only 30 minutes, but I guess tool bag beggars can’t be choosers. Ok, so I just finished watching it. Alright, so you know how when it’s a really warm day out you’re looking forward a nice fruit salad, and you see one that you really like because it has raspberries and pineapple on the top and you can see that there are some blueberries and grapes on the bottom, but then when you open the fruit salad the entire middle is really just honeydew and cantaloupe? Still with me? Yeah, well that’s what the episode was like for me. I’d been looking forward to it all summer, but then there were like 3 commercials that were, no joke, 5 minutes each and they jam packed about 15 songs in the episode and a million screenshots of the Hollywood sign and other landmarks. Lots of filler, not a lot of pineapple. Anyway, here’s what went down on last nights crapisode, We’ll Never Be Friends, of The Hills:
- Ah yes. Fast forward 3 months and Whitney and Lauren are right where we left them; hanging up jeans at Pubic Revolution. Lauren is simply telling Whitney that she has a date tonight and Whitney is reacting like Lauren just said she had sex in the middle of a busy intersection while bunnies watched. Whitney seems to think that it’s a small world that Lauren ran into this guy from high-school. Yes Whitney, it’s a very small world. Laguna Beach is about 1.5 hours from LA and the script is telling this dude to date Lauren. It’s a very small world.
- Yes! Whitney is bringing back her speech impediment! She keeps calling Lauren’s date, Doug, DouK. She even repeats it twice like she’s practicing flash cards Douk. DouK. Then she looks like she just ate a lemon. This will be a great crapisode!
- Sweet Kimberly is back with her bangs from last season. Heidi and Kimberly are walking into “work” at Bolthouse and they just sit down in the lobby. Honestly it’s like they’re not even trying anymore. They’re like, “F it. Everyone knows Heidi’s office and job (and boobs and nose and chin and hair and lips and tan) are fake so, F it, let’s just sit in the lobby and shoot this scene.
- And cue Holly Montag! Hahaha. Seriously, she can hardly keep her teeth in her mouth. I love it. I love every second of it. Looks like someone got the “Darlene” genes in the Montag family!
- Now why doesn’t Steve Sanders like Holly? I mean, I know that’s supposed to be “the thing” this season, but still. It’s stupid. With Holly, Heidi, and Steve Sanders all living under one roof you can only imagine the hijinks that will ensue. I give it one week until Holly accidentally sees Steve Sanders naked in the bathroom (gross, Santa white pubes). Where have I seen all this before? Oh yeah, once again The Hills is turning into Three’s Company.
- Whoa. Where did LC get all that extra hair from? It’s halfway down her back. LOser tells LC that she would date her and for one quick second I actually start to like LOser but mostly because I’m picturing them having a pillow fight in their underwear. The doorbell rings and LOser thinks she has to hide. Is she an illegal immigrant?
- Ok wait. I hate when they do this. Doug is asking Lauren what she’s been up to for the past 4 years. Really, Doug? You have no clue? Honestly? Like you didn’t know that Lauren has been on a show called The Hills and you haven’t heard anything about her and Jason, her and Brody, an alleged sex tape, a fight with Heidi and Spencer, a shit-bag clothing line, not going to Paris, going to Paris, oh and those pesky little cameras that have been following you around all night. Oh, and you’re wearing a microphone, you know, because you’re on a television show right now. Geesh.
- I think Doug is kinda a douche-bag until I discover that he drinks the same beer I do. Now I’m the douche-bag. Clearly. This dude is so cheesy. And watching LC trying to flirt is like watching an old woman take off her bra. I mean, you sort of sit there and watch it because she’s still a woman, but then you cringe when it’s off because, you know, she’s old woman.
- Lauren orders a “fuzzy dragon” for her drink. Grab your nap mats boys and girls, because it’s story time with IBBB. You see, LC ordering a “fuzzy dragon” means that she’s going to be playing the “head bob” game on Dougie’s knob. She may even put her moo-goo-gai-pan on his face to which he may even place his Chinese tea-bag on her chin. It’s really a whole Chinese restaurant thing. You’ll understand when you’re older. Now go play hop-scotch. Actually, that’s a whole other thing. Just got to bed. Story time is over.
- Oh kids. Holly is not too good with the cue cards yet. Even asking if Steve Sanders wants breakfast is sounding a little to fake. Seriously this Heidi/Steve Sanders/Holly thing is f’n stupid.
- Woo hoo it’s Audrina’s birthday party and it’s filled with the douchiest party go’ers ever! Frankie and Doug are there in their Lakers jerseys. Yup, we know how that ended now don’t we? There’s a dude with a sky-high pink mohawk and a ton of people dressed all in black. At least Justin Bobby makes a cameo.
- Hahaha why is Holly getting a “Hollywood makeover?” And when is Heidi going to get her makeover? Seriously it’s like the same crap every season now. Holly is asking Heidi if she misses the relationship with Lauren. Nice try, Holly, but your mom asked the same thing on a mountain top at Crested Butte. I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. I miss Heidi’s horse. Poor thing.
- LOser is such a whore. She’s locked herself in the house during Audrina’s birthday and is playing with her dumb dog. Maybe if Lo just had a little sex she’d mellow out. She’s the worst.
- Holly’s trip has come to a scripted end and she randomly, yet scriptedly, tells Heidi and Steve Sanders that maybe she’ll just move out to LA. Heidi’s just like “oh really?” This is the fakest thing ever. I’d believe it more if Holly said she was hiding weapons of mass destruction in her new weave. Sidenote, Steve Sanders gelled his curls for this season. Nice matted down perm.
- The moment we’ve all been waiting for. LOser goes to “talk” to Audrina in her backyard tree-house. LOser is such a bitch. She’s trying to put Audrina in her place and Audrina is having no part of it. Her teeth aren’t having any part of it either. I kinda wonder if LOser is wondering why Audrina is looking up at the ceiling the whole time.
- Wow. Audrina is sassing back every time LOser tries to sass her. It’s like a major sass-off. It’s like a tennis match, back and forth, of losers fighting. I, of course, am the biggest of the losers because I am both watching and typing.
- Audrina tells LOser that she doesn’t care anymore and doesn’t want to try being friends with her because they’ll never be friends. Sweet! I didn’t think old dead eyes had it in her! LOser kinda looks stunned, but I assume it’s just because she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and with her new nose she still hardly recognizes herself. But that’s just me.
Overall, a little disappointed. Hopefully this season shapes up soon. So what did you guys think? Good? Bad? Indifferent?