The City Recap: The Editing Machine is Already Broken. Plus, I Still Want to Play Dirty Games with Olivia.

Yes, my photoshopping skill level has officially hit “tilt.” Well the moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally upon us. Nope, not world peace. I’m talking about the season premiere of The City. Within the first few minutes we really get to learn a lot about how this season will go.

First off, The Hills editing machine must have pieces of Spencer Pratt’s Santa Pubes beard still stuck in it because the editing train has fallen off the tracks. We learn this when Whitney is basically dumped off at her desk on her first day of work and her new co-worker, Olivia Palermo, walks in. I know I’ll get a lot of crap for this, but for now I’m sticking with my original thoughts on Olivia. She’s hot. Sure she probably drips douche when she sweats, but I’m fine with that. Anyway, Whitney and Olivia have this cockamamie conversation like they’re life long friends and not at all like they’re awkward new co-workers. Olivia informs us of a party she’s having on her roof, but at this point she hasn’t invited Whitney. Perhaps she’s never seen Whitney throw “air punches” in the Hollywood Hills? Watch out Palermo! The looks that Whitney and Olivia were giving each other looked like they were drawn in with comic-strip animation…or worse yet, Japanimation. Is that a real thing, by the way?

Whitey and her faux-boyfriend who I will only refer to as “Ozzy Bobby” grab a quick dinner in the Meat Packing District, which is right near my favorite NYC hotel, The Gannsevoort. Now that I know Whit and crew film near there I will be sure to raise my stalking alert system to “red.”

As the episode progresses I start to miss Lauren Conrad and those lines under her eyes. I even miss her holiday mustache. It’s not as fun watching Whitney say things like “thinkinK” and “keepinK” to other people. I feel like the child of divorced parents. I will try everything I can to get Whitney and Lauren back together on The Hills. I’ll be thinkinK of a plan over the cominK season.

So does everyone know Olivia? And does everyone hate her? It seems like everyone knows her and is like “ugh” when they hear her name. I mean, I requested her as a friend on Myspace about 3 months ago and asked her if she wanted to answer some questions for IBBB. I mean, she never responded to me at all, but I’m sure she’s nice, you know, like deep down inside. Like real deep. I’m talking deep…..like down near her vaginastein.

Is Whitney’s roommate/friend, Erin, really that chick Kimberly who works for Heidi at Bolthouse? I think it is. Either that or she stole her bangs from the set of The Hills and is wearing them on the set of The City. I have to admit, I kinda like her. She seems real and I bet she drinks beer and swears a lot. She’s my kind of girl…..even with Tyra Bank’s bangs. By the way, the party at Olivia’s roof looks like a living nightmare. Someone mentioned playing a game of “Fashion Trivia” and I swear to God I think I saw a white light and I tried to go into it. Alas, it was a glare from the TV and I bumped my head. Luckily I came to once the “dinner party from hell” was coming to a close. Although, I did think I heard Olivia ask Whitney 15 times why Ozzy Bobby wasn’t there. Perhaps they filmed that scene over the course of 10 weeks.

Ugh. So they decided to air two episodes back to back. I’m already tired. Basically here’s what went down in the second episode….

That dude, Alex, from The Hills episode had lunch with Whitney and spilled the scripted beans that Ozzy Bobby may have gone home with some d-bag named Danielle. Fast forward. Whitney confronts Ozzy Bobby and he denies they technically went home together, but only shared a cab. Have you ever been in a NYC cab? You can pretty much have sex, sit in the cab for nine months, and then give birth in the backseat of the cab and the cab driver won’t say anything to you. Therefore, he technically doesn’t have to “go home with her.”

Later “the new friends gang” heads out to Tenjune and Alex is “randomly” there and by “randomly” I actually mean “planted.” This is the same crap they used to pull with Lauren and Heidi in The Hills Season 3. Remember that awkward encounter at “Ketchup?”

Anyway, Ozzy Bobby and Alex get into an “F you” fight about rumors and blah and blah and everyone is trashed and blah and I kinda wish I was drunk too, but I’m giving my liver a break until New Years and blah. Meanwhile, Alex’s roommate is almost on all fours whispering in Whitney’s air about Ozzy Bobby, etc.

The fight was pretty fun to watch because I was sure that Alex’s winter hat would go flying off his head once Ozzy Bobby cold-cocked him. Cold-cocked. That’s a funny word. However, it took the most embarrassing turn when Alex ended the bitch-fight by saying, “I only have one thing to say. The truth will reveal itself.” Really? That’s like the “words of wisdom” that Whitney used to bestow upon Lauren. Did I mention I miss Lauren’s mustache? Actually come to think of it didn’t the actual Justin Bobby once say something about “truth and time” to Audrina and her teeth? Are they sharing from the same script?

Finally, Kelly CUNTrone stops on by to talk with Whitney and I officially take back every mean thing I’ve ever said about her. That crazy son-of-a-bitch is real and she keeps it real. Even Kelly seem shocked that Olivia had a job. Finally, someone said it! And I don’t mean that against my future wife, Olivia, but for the majority of the cast that are making more money filming The City than actually working regular jobs. Also, I think Kelly brushed her hair, so that was a nice change of pace from The Hills.

In the end, I actually will say this show wasn’t so bad. It’s pretty much like The Hills from Season 2, when it seemed like it wasn’t overly scripted but just slightly coached. And, Whitney actually seems like a good person (yes I just said that). I’m going to give this new show a shot and I suggest you do the same.

I would personally like to thank Adam DiVello for producing this show, as The Hills has changed my life, as well as Sean Travis and, of course, Liz Gately. I have seen these names flash by in the credits for the past 3 years of The Hills and now The City….so I feel that we should all be thanking/blaming Adam, Sean, and Liz. Thanks guys.

So what did you guys think??????

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