- Sammy Gap Tooth (SGT) has invited Whitney and Roxy Horror out for a fancy-pants breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner. I’m not really sure what meal it is as Roxy Horror is complaining that she wants coffee and breakfast and Whitney is whining that she wants a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Remember when you had to have a talent of be interesting to be on television? Now, apparently, you just need to be able to read menu items and you get your own show. Keep bombing us, terrorists. I get it now.
- Olivia, wearing what I can only assume is a magicians cape, is meeting with one of the Elle directors to inform them that she wants to feature her friends business on Elle.com. Her friend has a line of precious stones and, to be honest, I have no idea what that means but both Olivia and the director squeal with delight like pigs who just escaped the slaughter house. Are precious stones only found in the remote depths of the rain-forest? No idea. Don’t wanna know, don’t care. Fine, I’ll look it up.
- Meanwhile, we’re following along with Whitney as she gets her fashion line shot by some random photographer named Jonathan. There’s a few crucial things you need to know in this scene. (1) Whitney is wearing those horrific leggings that she made her sweatshop sewer, Michelle, make for her while she poured hot water on her and poked her with toothpicks in a previous episode. (2) There are random models modeling Whitney’s clothes, which made me think of whatever happened to Sleepy Time Allie from season one. Remember her? Moment of silence.
- When Erin Jo Buttafucco introduced Jonathan, the photographer, to Whitney he looks like he’s ready to commit “the rape” right then and there in front of everyone and on camera. I don’t want to say he’s a Level Three, so I won’t. Level Two perhaps. Maybe Level One. Which one is it where you don’t have to introduce yourself to your neighbors by law?
- Here she comes to save the day! Kelly Cutrone is on the way. On the sea or on the land. She’s got the situation well in hand! Kiki Cutrone stops on by the photoshoot to (1) save the show and (2) make me the happiest blogger this side of the Mississippi.
- We learn that Jonathan has shot for Elle before, but he’s really a war photographer. Sweet. Uh, I know we’ve been in a recession and junk and jobs are hard to come by but, um, does he know that there’s still a war going on that he can shoot? Yeah, there totally is. Is it still called the Gulf War? I have no idea, I’m not good with math. So maybe he should take advantage of this war and shoot it because I’m sure we’ll be done with this war by 2029 so, well, time is ticking. Whitney on the other hand is so impressed with this photographer because she calls him “brave.” That’s right Whitney, he’s the real hero. I’m the brave one for watching this crap and then writing about it. Where’s my Purple Heart because all I have is this here black one. Hey-oh!
- Anycrap, Olivia decides not to go interview Whitney for the website and Erin Jo has to tell Whito and Kiki Cutrone that Olivia doesn’t want to support Whitney’s line. This sets Kelly off. Besides yelling, “Who gives a f*ck about Olivia’s opinion?!” she then says, “I’m going to come up like a shark underneath a glass bottom boat and whip the sh*t out of her.” Ok I totally get it, but do sharks come up from under glass bottom boats with a whip in their hand to assault the people on the boat? I always assumed they used their 15 rows of teeth to bite the people on the boat. Now in all fairness I haven’t been on a boat in a while and I’m sure sharks have really evolved over the years so I’m sure Kelly is right. Now I have images of Kelly Cutrone snorkeling with a whip in her hand looking for girls in the water who have their period and just start whipping them.
- The “next day” Olivia and Erin Jo are having one of their famous “Cubical Sass-Off’s.” This consists of Erin Jo asking Olivia why she bailed on Whitney’s dumb photoshoot and Olivia telling Erin Jo that it’s none of her business and that she’s not going to discuss it further. Here’s the thing, Olivia, you’re on a television show and we’re going to need to hear you speak. So use your words, please, because we can only watch so much of you walking up the hallway with your head bobbing up and down while you look down at the ground. I mean, it is riveting, but we’re no longer in the days of Charlie Chaplin. Movies and television now have sound. I believe you’re technically in what they call a “talkie.” So start talkie-ing.
- Roxy Horror is going out with that random dude, Zach, from the last episode. Yawn. Next.
- The next day (again) at Elle, Joe Zee Messina is caught up in a sassy huff while he pretty much yells at Olivia for not showing up for Whitney. You know he’s made because he starts speaking upwards of 210 mph and his hands are flailing all over the place. At one point I just assumed he was directing traffic in the middle of Times Square. Anycrap, Joe Zee tells Olivia to invite Whitney to lunch and smooth things over, unless she doesn’t want to work there any more. Oh no you didn’t. Oh yes you did. I looked down at my DVR and I’m pretty certain I saw it do a “z snap” after Joe was finished with his rant.
- I love this. We get to watch the rough edit of Olivia’s video from when she interviewed that annoying girl with the precious stones. It’s awesome. Olivia is stuttering and making no sense at all. Erin Jo is watching this and she looks like she’s witnessed a puppy getting killed, gutted, stuffed with 1,000 bags of cocaine, and then carried like a purse onto a plane going from Columbia to NYC on a non-stop flight where the movie is “Made in Manhattan.” Just sayin’. In cased you’re confused, Erin Jo looked horrified. Therefore, she decides to tell the editor to stop editing this crap and that they’re not putting it on the site. Sweeeeeeeet.
- Meanwhile, Roxy Horror is telling Whitney to put Olivia in her place for not showing up to her fashion line shoot. This is when Kelly Cutrone comes in and gives Whitney some great advice. She tells her to “take this b*tch out.” Awesome. She also tells Whitney to let this toxic b*tch know that she will fight back. However, probably one of the best Kelly Cutrone quotes that has ever been said takes place now. In regards to Whitney being too nice Kelly says, “You know where nice people end up? On welfare.” Seriously, they should have ended the show right then and there. Fade to black and call it a day.
- In the end Whitney does meet Olivia for an awkward lunch where Whitney wants to talk about what happened and Olivia is brushing it off. To my surprise Whitney won’t let her off the hook and tells her that her excuses don’t mean anything to her. Olivia does her typical “I’m not engaging in this conversation right now” and Whitney tells her that she looks like a bitch. This is where Olivia gets up and leaves (probably edited) and Whitney calls her a coward. With her hair she kinda does look like the Cowardly Lion, so, good call Whitney!
I have such a hard time figuring out what is fake in this show and what is real. Here’s what I think is real: Kelly Cutrone and Erin Jo. Fake: Roxy and her date. Real: Whitney has a clothing line. Fake: Olivia really having any responsibility at Elle. Real: Erin does work there and hates Olivia.
Well, that concludes another crapisode of The City. It’s like we’re all a part of history.