Cowbell, cowbell, cowbell. Oh, and cowbell. The City is back like a case of crabs that you’ve come to know, expect, but aren’t overly psyched to see each and every week. What I mean is that the break was nice. Was that not clear? Also, I don’t have crabs. Now that we’ve taken care of these housekeeping items, let’s see just exactly what went down on the season premiere of The City…
- Whitney and Roxy Horror are out and about at the fabric store to cut some stuff up because, well, Whitney is having a fashion show at Bryant Park during Fashion Week and only has about 25 minutes to create 24 looks, cast models, and press “shuffle” on her iPod so that the music is taken care of. Through the magic of television I’m sure this is going to go off without a hitch. As a sidenote, Roxy Horror is dressed like she gang raped 1980’s Madonna on the way to the fabric store.
- Meanwhile over at Elle Magazine, Joe Zee Messina is in quite the hurried huff when talking to Olivia and her toothpick-like legs about crap that happened at the Today Show, like 8 months ago. No joke, he says, “So I haven’t had a chance to talk to you about what happened at the Today Show but….” Really? No chance? Couldn’t find about 5 minutes over the course of the 8 months that you weren’t filming this show? Way to follow up, Joe Zee Messina, way to follow up. Anyway, Joe Zee is all pissed off that last season Erin Jo Buttafucco and Olivia gave him an ultimatum. So, to fix the faux-problem between Erin and Olivia, Joe Zee is thinking that she should take Erin and her face full of eye-rolls out for coffee to smooth things over. Why do I have a feeling that Olivia doesn’t drink coffee, but blood only?
- Oh hey good news, you guys! Even with the economy in the absolute crapper, Whitney owns an Asian sewing sweatshop! Hooray for giving people jobs even if they are chained to their desk and forced to sew Whitney Port clothes at all hours of the night. Illegal in some countries, just not ours. Whitney’s “pattern makers” look like they are afraid for their lives when Whitney asks them to finish on time for the fashion show. Seriously, if I were them I’d just go to the clearance rack in the “intimates” department at Walmart, buy a few things, and then show them to Whito and tell her that they’re all done.
- I miss Sleepy-time Allie from Season One. I wonder what she’s up to now, you know, besides taking a cozy sleepy little coke-induced nap?
- Well, well, well. Why in the holy hell is Rita Wilson playing the role of the head boss at Elle? I kid (because I’m already bored with this). The big boss is actually Robbie Myers and she’s dressed like she’s ready to attend the Oscars, yet she’s just at work. However, let’s give her a little credit for knowing her audience because she is definitely rocking the freakin’ Snooki poof.
- Joe Zee Messina heads into a meeting with Rita Wilson and you can tell he’s totally doing Shasta McNasty in his pants when he has to talk to her. I feel like Rita Wilson would use her pointy high heel to scrape the skidmarks out of Joe’s underpants and then make him lick it. And he would. Allegedly. Anypoof, when Joe Zee Messina spills the beans like a school girl in heat about the confrontation between Olivia and Erin, Rita Wilson is not pleased at all and she calls someone and tells them to send Erin in right away. No last name, just “Erin.” I’m sure after Rita Wilson said that the person on the other end of the line finished saying, “…and 20 seconds. The temperature is 50 degrees, Fahrenheit. Beep.”
- Yay Erin Jo Buttafucco is back! I missed like the deserts miss the rain….except during flood season and I don’t even know if that exists but I’m sticking with it. Rita Wilson slaps on her sh*t eating grin and tells/asks Erin that she’s not going anywhere. Why do I feel like she says the same thing to the worm at the bottom of her tequila bottle every night when she’s taking swigs of it in the bathtub and crying about all the past lovers she’s lost? It may be a hunch, but I think I’m on to something.
- In order to solve the problem between Olivia and Erin Jo, they decide to promote Olivia to “Girl Who Uploads Videos of Herself on the Website.” What luck! And, because Erin Jo is a publicist, she’ll be working even closer with Olivia which is great for us and all mankind.
- Meanwhile, we make a brief stop at Pubic Revolution which is always a pleasure. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, put Kelly Cutrone on every single show that airs in the United States and overseas. At least for a few minutes. This time around Kelly gives Whitney some words of advice about how quickly the fashion show will go by. She says that you prepare for weeks and then it’s over in 3 minutes….like a bad f*ck. Awww Kelly, clean it up! I’m kidding, make it raunchier. She should have flashed her rack and wiggled her tongue when she said it. Long live Cutrone!
- When Whitney is casting her models for the show, Kiki Cutrone stops on by for just enough time to ask Roxy Horror if she’s even paying attention because she could learn a lot from this process. Roxy looks like she’s having a hard time listening to her iPod and balancing on her chair at the same time, so I’m going to let her off the hook this time. Also, I think that moving forward every time Kiki Cutrone gives Roxy sh*t she should end her statement with, “Zing!” And then possibly, “Suck my kiss, bitch!” I could write one-liners for Kiki all the live long day.
- It’s now Olivia’s first day of her “new job” as a video blogger and she has to go backstage to ask a designer some questions. This should be quite the sh*tshow, but sadly it’s not. Olivia actually does a good job asking questions and being in the know. I mean, she still has the overall personality of the ice-cream stain on my couch, but I digress.
- Yes! We’re back at Whitney’s Sewing Sweatshop! I already love it there. This time the poor little pattern sewer lets Whitney know that the material for the leggings didn’t stretch, so she couldn’t make her leggings for the show. Oh hell no! Whitney picks out material (that isn’t even hers) right at the sweatshop and then demands the poor little sewer to make her leggings in time for the fashion show…tomorrow. Aww, the poor sewer. She looks malnourished, dehydrated, and delusional but Whitney still makes her stay and sew. I believe she actually said, “I know, but I have no choice.” And then I’m sure when the cameras stopped rolling, Whitney continued by saying, And you have no choice either if you ever want to live in this country again! I have INS on speed dial and my friend here, Roxy, is already getting the white van and handcuffs from the parking garage, so sew bitch!”
- Olivia and Erin Jo Buttafucco are having coffee/tea and are going to bury the hatchet. Literally, Erin looks like she’s about to vomit during the entire conversation. Olivia can barely look at her in the eye. She looks for a second and then looks away…like she’s going to get hit. I’m sure Tina Turner gave Ike that same look. In the end, Erin tells Olivia that she thinks they’ll make a great team and then Erin looks like she farts, which I’ll assume she did. What? Sometimes coffee does that to you.
- Well, it’s the part that I couldn’t care less about. Whitney’s fashion show! Backstage is a nightmare and Whitney is “copping the ‘tude” as Ricki Lake used to say in the mid 90’s. All the models walk down the runway in clothes that look like they itch and will burst into flames at a moments notice.
- I’m sorry, come again? Are those tears I see from Kelly Cutrone? Why aren’t they black tears? Anyway, way to make me feel like a complete a-hole for making fun of the fashion show. What else am I supposed to do? It’s what I do best. Kelly cries and makes sure that Whitney takes a moment to take in all that she’s accomplished and has manifested for herself. Pretty deep. No really, it is. Whitney thanks Kelly for making this happen and tells her that she’s Whitney’s family too. That was nice. Personally, I think she’s just trying to get into Cutrone’s Will, but that’s just me.
Well, there’s your recap. Now print this out and line your birdcage with it. Oh, and pass it around if you like it. Tell a friend, or two…but not three.