The City Recap: Whitney Goes Apartment HuntinK!

Before we even get into the “lack of episode” that took place last night on The City, let’s discus the opening credits. First, is it normal that as soon as I hear that cow bell during the opening my stomach starts to turn? Sometimes there’s more excitement during the opening credits than there’s in the entire show. But I digress. Second, I still admit that I love Olivia. However, how come it looks like she’s ready to fight me during her opening credits scene? She kinda squints her eyes and shakes her head “no.” Perhaps she’s trying to push one out. One can’t be sure.

  • In this crapisode we get to see Erin “The Bangs Monster” and her new long distance boyfriend. He’s from a country called “Canada.” Very international. The conversation between The Bangs Monster, Whitney, and the long distance boyfriend is so painful that I actually considered changing the channel to watch a “Where are They Now” episode of Intervention on A&E. I decided to TIVO that instead. At one point they’re talking about watching the Titanic or the Sound of Music and Whitney just cuts them off to tell them she’s peacing out. I wish I was on the Titanic right now.
  • Does Erin kinda also look like HOlly Montag, but with brown hair and bangs? She’s a perfect mix between Holly Montag and that chick, Kimberly, that works with Heidi at Bolthouse. Maybe they’re the same person? They probably are. Times are tough and they can’t afford to pay all these different people. It’s the whole “Michelle Tanner/Mary-Kate/Ashley Olsen” strategy.
  • Why does Olivia always look pissed off no matter what Whitney says. I’m sure it’s a glitch in the editing machine. I mean, Whitney’s phone rings and Olivia looks down. Whitney starts to answer a question that Olivia asks and Olivia just looks away. She has what I like to call “4 second eye contact” in which she can only look at you for a maximum of 4 seconds and then needs to look away.
  • Ozzy Bobby finds Whitney an apartment. Ok, let me just set the record straight for all of you out there watching The City and thinking that the apartments that Olivia, Whitney, and Erin have are what the apartments in NYC are like. They’re not. First off, you wouldn’t be able to even film in my apartment because it couldn’t hold me, my friends, and the entire camera crew. Plus there would be no where to sit because I can only have an oversized love-seat….not a full couch….OR…two full couches like Whitney has. If I had to guess at what the rent is for Whitney, in a one-bedroom in Gramercy, on the 30th floor with unobstructed views, and a balcony….I would guess around $3,500-5,000 per month. Who’s with me? I couldn’t even guess how much Olivia’s apartment in Tribeca costs. Perhaps she’ll invite me over and I’ll ask her. Stay tuned.
  • As this episode of nothingness continues we get to see The Bangs Monster and her long distance boyfriend head out for drinks and basically talk about how much they love each other after dating for 2 weeks. Kill me. Although, it does look like he’s about to jump her and do sex to her right there at the bar. Of course, they cut that part short. I wonder what Audrina is up to? I mean, I’m sure she’s brushing her teeth in a bikini on the set of a photoshoot for Maxim, but I wonder what else she’s doing?
  • Ozzy Bobby and Erin help Whitney move in to her new apartment and by “help” I really mean “stand around and talk about saying ‘I love you’ to each other after only dating for 2 weeks.” This freaks Whitney out and, well, that’s about all.
  • We learn, from Olivia’s cousin, that if you spit in the subway you get a $100 ticket from the cops. What about the homeless dude that I saw peeing and then puking on the platform? How much does a ticket like that run?
  • Finally this crap is over and I can go on with my life…which consists of watching that Intervention episode that I just TIVO’d. Whitney and Ozzy Bobby are out for faux-dinner and talk about the labels of being boyfriend and girlfriend. Jesus. Between Ozzy Bobby’s accent and Whitney’s speech impediment, you’d think they would have sub-titles during this conversation.
  • Ozzy Bobby gives Whitney the old “I’m prioritizing my career” speech and Whitney wants to be a priority in Ozzy Bobby’s life. Really? Why?
  • I’m not really sure if anything was solved during this conversation, but then they played “If I Were a Boy” by Beyonce, so I’m guessing that Whitney doesn’t want to be treated like that from Ozzy Bobby. Seriously, if they didn’t have music in each episode I honestly don’t think I’d know what was going on during the show.

Ok, so what did you guys think of this crap? I don’t know if I have it in me to recap each episode this season. This show is kind of “bathroom break” material….meaning that during The Hills when they would show this stuff, I would go to the bathroom. Was that not clear?

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