Time to spend a little time with the folks from “The City.” You want to know what this show is missing? Someone with a visible drug problem. Really, that’s it. It has everything else I’m looking for in a show, but it’s missing a sloppy drug addict. I’d even trade that in for a drunk. Toss in a drunk and you’re in the running for an Emmy. Anycrap, here’s what went down (besides Joe Zee on Olivia) last night on The City:
- Let’s start taking swings at the pinata and celebrate because Kelly Cutrone just informed Whitney that Glamor magazine is going to do a “piece” on her new line. Something about skirts and cheap-sh*t I think, it’s hard to follow. All I know is that Whito wants to bring Roxy to the meeting and Kiki Cutty basically thinks it would be like bringing your pimp to the Little Peaches of America Cotillion. It just shouldn’t happen. As a side note, Whitney is wearing what I can only assume is a mix between a Suze Orman bedazzled blazer and Paula Abdul’s jacket from her Vibeology video. Like a fruit fly that flutters 1 inch from your face, it’s distracting.
- Back to Elle, back to reality. While Erin is cackling on the phone, Olivia is surfing the web at her “desk.” I’m sure Olivia thinks she’s watching television and the screen keeps freezing, but that’s neither here nor there. Erin Jo lets Olivia know that they have a staff meeting coming up and wonders what Olivia is going to contribute. Olivia half smiles and tells Erin Jo that she’ll just have to wait and see. In other words, “My parents already contribute a large sum of money to this magazine so there’s my contribution b*tch.” I’m kidding. Olivia doesn’t have parents. She was conceived by Rosie the robot from The Jetson’s and an old oak tree and she was raised by butlers. At least that’s what I found on Ancestry.com and they’re never wrong.
- Whoa slow down Speedy Gonzalez. Joe Zee Messina is doing a “drive by chatting” with Olivia all whilst wearing his aviator sunglasses. It’s like a party at Diddy’s every day at Elle! Joe invites Olivia to some random Gossip Girl party, but he is so excited just to ask her it’s like watching the computer geek asking out the cheerleader as she stands by her locker. After Olivia lifelessly says that she’ll go, Joe Zee looks towards Erin and basically says, “You don’t want to go, Erin, do you?” Oh no he just did not. When did Olivia turn into the new girlfriend and Erin Jo turn into the bitter ex-wife who’s in a heated custody battle over the kids? Poor Erin. I would never do that do her. If I were sitting in the next cube I would have started rapping: “Shorty you’re the hottest, love the way you drop it, brain so good could have swore you went to college. Hundred K deposits, vacation in the tropics, everybody know it ain’t trickin if you got it. You ain’t never ever gotta go in your wallet, as long as I got rubberband banks in my pocket.” Well you know the rest. When Erin Jo tells Joe Zee that she already has plans with Page Six, Joe Zee speeds away and it is then when you can see Erin trying with all of her willpower to not make a face. So much so that she is physically using her hand to hold her face together. Set yourself free, Erin, make the face.
- Whitney heads off to Glamour magazine to meet with some random editors to talk about her skirts that look like they’re highly flammable. Whitney decides to style her hair in a similar fashion to a horses mane and decides to go against Kiki Cutrone’s advice about not taking Roxy along for the ride and tells the editors that she’ll be bring her “second eye” Roxy with her the next time she comes (giggity).
- What in all that is holy is going on at the Gossip Girl party? And, more importantly, why is my new arch nemesis, Seth, in attendance?! There are a lot of cameras flashing and a lot of high pitched screams (mostly coming from Joe Zee) and next thing you know Olivia is talking about her vintage Luca Luca (is that how you spell it?) dress and Joe Zee makes her do a spin as some other random dude does the “raise the roof” hand motion and screams “what what!” all while Seth giggles like a school girl in heat. You wanna know what was missing from that circle of people? Me. I was missing. I would have been standing there in absolute terror and would have just blurted out, “What the hell is everyone doing?! Are you all having seizures?!”
- Meanwhile Erin Jo is at Fishtail in the Upper West Size (xoxo Gossip Girl) to meet with the dude from Page Six. Erin Jo talks up Alexis (Olivia Palermo Part II) as the new “Belle of Elle,” and Olivia being a royal F-up. The Page Six dude thinks this all makes a great story for the paper. Really? Note to self: Don’t read Page Six.
- The “next day” Seth, who is inexplicably dressed like Sinead O’Connor from the “Nothing Compares 2 U” video, is chatting up with Olivia about the night before at the Gossip Girl party. Seth can’t believe how Olivia can just go up to anyone and start talking to them and Olivia replies “I can talk to a park bench.” Seth and Olivia laugh so hard over this comment you would have thought that Joe Zee was laying on the floor tickling their privates. I’m sure in Olivia’s case, he was. They should have an “under the desk cam” because I’m sure we’d see Joe Zee under there more times than not just blowing into Olivia’s “boing boing” whilst Olivia pretends to do work. I’ll assume it would make the same sound a giant seashell does when a gust of wind hits it at the beach. Where was I going with this?!
- Olivia must end her conversation with Seth because she has critical work to do in the “accessories closet.” So after Seth removes his tongue from Olivia’s choochola and pats Joe Zee on the head, he heads over for sloppy seconds at Erin Jo’s desk. He can’t seem to understand why the cast of Gossip Girl would have any interest in talking with Olivia and Erin Jo says she doesn’t care what Olivia does outside of work. Well she should care a little. I mean, I’m sure Olivia’s after work activities include, but are not limited to, vomiting into her gold plated toilet, hacking into Erin’s bank account and then doing side-by-side comparisons to her own bank account, kicking puppies who aren’t on a leash, walking hunched over around her apartment, and pretending she’s going to give money to the homeless people on the street and right before she drops the coins in their cup she yells “psych!” and then swallows the coins instead. Actually, get a camera on Olivia after work because if any of those things were to happen, I’d watch.
- Seriously, so when did Joe Zee Messina start banging Olivia? No really? When did this start? Joe Zee invites Olivia to yet another party. This time he’s hosting some event at Burgerdork John Goodman and wants Olivia to wear some designers dress that I can’t even begin to remember. So basically Olivia was promoted from Accessories Assistant to “Girl Who Uploads Videos on the Elle.com Website” and now promoted to “Official Date of Joe Zee Messina?” Sadly, showing up for random parties seems to be the thing that Olivia is most qualified for and excels at. Basically she’s Elle’s paid Socialite. Works for me.
- The party at Burgerdork John Goodman looks like a real snooze. First off, all the rusted boxes that weren’t interested in Whitney’s clothing line last season are there. Second, there is some jazz band playing. Third, Sammy is there. Let’s just say that it’s the kind of party that I wouldn’t be able to raise up my arms due to excessive sweat stains, if you know what I mean.
- Quote of the Night: When Whitney is talking to Sammy about wanting to show Joe Zee her new line she says, “…like I want the day to come where I show my stuff to Joe Zee. Like, I bring in my rack, and I roll it right past Olivia’s desk.” Haha awesome! I, too, can’t wait for the day when Whitney shows Joe Zee her rack.
- The random dude from Page Six is at this party too and he chats up Olivia and Joe Zee about Erin and what Olivia does at Elle. That’s an answer that no one but the IRS knows. After he walks away, Joe Zee tells Olivia that he thinks the Page Six guy was “smitten” with her. Olivia, of course, replies, “I’m amusing, what can I tell you?” Yes. Yes Olivia. Yes Olivia you are amusing. You are as amusing as a reenactment of the Holocaust during Passover.
- Whitney is putting together her skirts and accessories over at Glamour and Roxy show up late looking more like Stephanie Pratt than ever before. Have we ever talked about this? Why not? She is absolutely the dark hair version of Steph Pratt. Anypigtails, as Whitney pulls together the looks and Roxy basically makes fun of them, she may have crossed the line when she said that it looked like “hooker, but not hooker hooker…more like Britney Spears hot.” Huh? Was she calling Britney a hooker or not? I’m confused, per usual.
- Back at (h)Elle, Erin Jo is doing kicks with her J Lo shoes (no joke) and I’m pretty sure that Joe Zee is wearing Olivia’s leather jacket. I’m sure they did a swap at the sleepover last night. Anyway, Joe Zee is pumped because Page Six mentioned Elle in their column and, more specific, they mentioned Alexis’ new role thanks to the handy work of one Ms. Erin Jo. Olivia kind of has that “keep the puke in” look that Erin usually has while talking to Olivia. Funny how the roles are reversed. Oh, and Alexis looks so uncomfortable during this meeting…she’s squirming around like she’s about the have projectile diarrhea at a moments notice. That would have made for a nice end to the scene. Congrats Erin! However, work like this will never get you invited to a Joe Zee slumber party. You should focus more on walking with your head down in the hallway and giving “air kisses” to everyone you meet. Just some free career advice. You’re welcome.
- In the end, Kelly Cutrone meets with Whitney and Roxy to put Roxy in her place as an “assistant” and tells her she’s a freak and if she wants to be a freak she’ll pay the price. Words of wisdom by Kiki Cutrone. When is she getting her own t-shirt line?
Well another crapisode of The City has come and gone. Spread the word!